Throughout my life I have always dreamed of doing and giving to help others, which is a good thing, if only I had the millions of dollars to do so.
Still, I do what I can when I can and usually not on special occasions but out of the blue, just because. Everyone needs to get a surprise now and then and plus it is fun for me.
Realizing this pattern in my life, it was when my former counselor mentioned this to me. It has been amazing how much she made me understand life and myself. Asking me why I do this for her or others.
I find that throw pillows make a room. I love pillows and found that you can buy pillow covers from Amazon to slip on and zip up to change the theme; so my life, in my own home, has been exciting.
With the pillows though, my counselor had purchased a new loveseat for her brightly, painted walls in her office, but I felt it needed a pillow to bring it all together. I was on a mission and made sure this was done. It made me happy 
to do this for her and she accepted my gift, which I was unsure she would. It also settled my mind while in counseling as I could focus on the colors or rub my hand over the texture of the fabric to ground myself if in a deep, emotional moment.
Still, even though I no longer sit on that loveseat as she is no longer counseling, I see pillows that would be perfect and I just smile and think, that would be perfect.
With the pillows given through the years, to change out, I often wonder now if she still has them and uses and thinks of me, as I do her when I shop.
Her comment to me was asking why I give gifts. Crazy enough, it is like how a cat shows its love by bringing a mouse to its owner, the cat is grateful and loves the owner.
It was when we had discussed abandonment in my life so much that she felt the gifts given were to remind her of me. Leaving a piece of me with her so I would not be forgotten. I remember that moment well and while shaking my head, I replied with, Yes. Again, she understood me. To be heard and understood, brings healing.
Abandonment, whether young or old, the lack of love shown through life will be visible to those that really care. She did. How could I not bring and give her gifts? I was grateful for her bringing light to the dark corners of my life. I love and miss her as my counselor, who knew me better than my own family and close friends.
Giving gifts is one of my love languages. The five love languages are not just for spouses but in life and in all relationships.
For me to receive gifts, it is not easy although nice, but it is a joy to give. I’ll take touch (all the hugs, mostly sincere, tight motherly ones I can get) and words (so I can write them down and repeat over and over to myself and be reminded of spoken love toward me). Due to abandonment and emotional neglect, this would be typical in my situation.
Where do you rate in the love languages?
Realizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.
going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.
I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.
You Are Worthy!
So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.
The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord. Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.
Just Pondering... 