I have sat on the loveseat in my counselor’s office week after week, year after year trying to understand life as an older, adult woman and realizing my childhood held a lot of the keys to the confusion felt.
Why has it taken me this long to ‘get it’ as my years are getting shorter and feel I have missed out on so much in life due to situations somewhat out of my control. The rush against time to fix areas and acknowledgement plus receive healing seems to be at one moment delightful and then the other overwhelming.
As we discussed my own childhood issues so many times, I felt the burden and so often while reading about emotional neglect and abandonment, the burden that I let my own children down. I have failed them. How do I make that right now from their childhood? They are both grown adults. They seem well adjusted, confident but are they really? Will they ever express to me where I failed? Could I handle it, if so? I want to ask them but I am fearful to know, too. Will they even know until they also might be sitting on a counselor’s loveseat trying to understand life as I am and realize the damage done. The cycle of life as we all fail in one area or another or more.
Not just in my own circle but as I look around at the families nowadays and everyone is on their cellphones. In due time, that will affect the children, soon to be adults. The lack of eye to eye contact and communication is almost gone.
If only…. how many times we all say that. If only I could do some things over, I would still fail my children. So when the burden or guilt overrides my parenting, I know that I must remember I did the best that I could with what I knew. Today, and always, they know I love them. My time left on this earth and our time together, I do know that they will have a more happy, healthier mother before them.
I have let you down in many ways but I will always lift you up and I hope that is enough, my child. Mom ❤️
The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind. It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her. I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.
wiping the tears as they flow. That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat. Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.
Give yourself grace through these times, if you experience. We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives. It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing. Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain. Preaching to myself, right here. Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward. The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it. With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long. My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right. It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it. We’ve got this! One day at a time.
So much to say and to interject but I keep getting interrupted. Seriously! What gives? Am I not important? Are my comments not of importance? Sometimes I feel invisible and not seen or heard.
listen to me as I am not finished talking. I just move on and forget my information or story, who cares, is my attitude. Maybe I am boring but still she doesn’t know me truly but this has been my life. Nobody really knows me. Perhaps this is why I like to write.
Most importantly… He knows my voice and He knows your voice.
Just Pondering... 