This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.
There was an excitement just months prior of me enrolling in a medical class, which was a big step for this old girl. I finally felt empowered enough to move forward after many years of feeling hopeless. Counseling for years was helping me cope and understand myself plus my faith knowing I could do this and my dreams and desires were coming alive. Wonderful. Life was good.
It was in September though as classes started and my counselor of almost four years decided to close her office due to medical issues, of course, unexpectedly. While I understood and was concerned, I could not help but feel abandoned by her. My heart was hurting and my emotions were everywhere.
I would work full-time, go to class in the evenings and when I left, I sat in my car and cried, the grief was too much. This class was too much. My life was too much. 
How can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.
Through all of this turmoil within, I also knew I had to put a Thanksgiving dinner together for my husband’s family and our own, although my oldest son, now married would be with his wife’s family several states away. The month of November was one with my nose in the medical book, studying for finals the week before Thanksgiving, my house not ready and no desire to go forward, just managing the best I could. My surprise was to get a 94 on my final, which shocked me completely. The joy of the results disappeared soon after, as I was still falling apart within and now no counselor to counsel me, left totally in the dark. Now the anger was more prevalent due to it all.
Being so overwhelmed and grieving, I cancelled Thanksgiving. I did. I was done.
Thanksgiving Day was lonely in my home, just like any other day. My youngest son, living an hour away, decided to stay at his home. I offered for him, me and his father to go out and eat but he had no interest. Loneliness all around with depression raining down on each of us.
Finally, it was late that night when I spoke to my son, instead of texting. In the voice, a lot can be heard and discerned. I knew he was sad over no Thanksgiving. He probably thought that since his older brother was not present, he was not worth it. Still, that thought brings 
sadness all over me. I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again. He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.
In our telephone call, with my motherly instinct, thank God, I told him to get ready as I am coming down to his house. It was dark and late but off I went to be with him, I apologized and told him I will never do that again. We went to eat, get groceries, do all of his laundry and went bowling at midnight. We both had fun and I put a pot of chili in his crock pot to enjoy the next few days. In the end, he received my undivided attention and his mother’s love. He needed me and I needed him.
This year we will have the family in for Thanksgiving and if I get the house clean, fine and if not, fine. I learned my lesson.
“Thanksgiving is the holiday where people come together. At least, that’s what most of us are conditioned to believe. While Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most inclusive and unifying holiday on the calendar — particularly for families — it also has the potential to generate the most loneliness.”
Holiday Depression, it happens!
https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1
Self-Care During the Holidays, it’s needed!
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-self-care-during-the-holidays/
There have been so many years to where I was stuck in a depressed state of mind, body and spirit in my life that I did not see a way through the dark pit of despair.
within myself of my life here on out. I saw no hope.
him that I am in accelerated counseling, and we both laughed. Funny but true. I have lost too much in my life and I need to regain my years back, as my age is adding up to numbers that I find I shake my head at in shock. I want more in life and I know the Lord has more for me.
So many things have happened in this last year moreso that I cannot help but see the Hand of God at work. While it was rough and I took a nosedive last fall/winter, I was being pulled through with my nose to the grind in the medical class, while most times falling apart in an emotional chaos afterward. Another approach was with the acceleration with counseling this year that was put in place to keep me focused. Most importantly, trusting the Lord that He surely has a purpose and a plan for my life. There is light at the end of this tunnel and I am going through.
You, too, have a choice. Unsure where you are, whether spinning your wheels or stuck in the mud, as I have been there. Decide you want more. Take care of you. If you need counseling to figure life out, get counseling. If your energy level is depleted, go see your doctor and get blood work. It might be that you are low in iron or off in other areas within your body. If depressed, get an anti-depressant for a bit to get over the hump. Go for a walk, if just for fifteen minutes or stand outside (then you can say… you are Outstanding) and look around and breathe. It is a start. Nobody can do this for you. You have to make a choice that you want more and that you are important enough. You Are!
Many years ago I went through one of the toughest battles ever, feeling lost in the darkness of my thoughts and feelings with nobody to turn to. It’s interesting, twice this past week, this time of my life came up in conversations. I discussed with my counselor but also listening and encouraging a friend the other night, who is experiencing total hopelessness in her life, wanting to die. Sadly, I knew exactly what she felt and heard the screams of her begging God to let her die.
God was carrying me. He had to carry me. The Footprints in the Sand picture and the words that I have read many times, became real. One of those moments when you think or say, so that is what this feels like. Yes. He was carrying me and at times dragging or pushing me. Had it not been and had I not had my faith in Him, I do not know what I would have done.
Just Pondering... 