After years of counseling due to marriage issues, personal issues and realizing childhood issues, I realized it is just called LIFE. We all have it, in some form or another.
Just a bit ago, I was going through some emails of which I am behind in either reading or deleting and had to smile because I am so far behind on many things right now. Before that would have stressed me to the max and while I feel it somewhat, it is not keeping me up at night. My have things have changed. Even other insignificant things whether at work or home, if I do not do it perfectly, it is okay. While it is not 110% in my book, it is still 99.9% so I shrug my shoulders and move on.
Realizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.
I want my boss to know I have his back and will make him look good, a lot at my expense while working late and making that report look great, etc. Odds are, nobody is 
going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.
Having a task for another boss years ago, I worked tirelessly on this to make the ending of this study lesson perfect. To realize later, another co-worker, I am sure at the boss’s request added an appreciation to me at the end of all the work put into this endeavor. It threw off everything and I was livid. Now my work was off and now my name is posted. Those words of appreciation were never felt, as it was not perfect anymore. I was no longer perfect and now everyone saw that. Panic.
Since recognizing the whys in my life and understanding what makes me push for that so desired love, it has taken pressure off of me. It has been a good thing. I am thankful I had a counselor to help me understand this in me. While I still give my best, it does not need to be perfect, enough to make me lose sleep or cause me stress. The other day, I read a blog recently written and a word was wrong, should be taking and not talking, it is still there. When I find myself in this mode of perfection and needs to be done now, etc., I stop and recognize what is happening. It has been a lifetime of performing this way to be somebody.
News flash! I am somebody. You are somebody.
Those we live with, work with, associate with are all important but so are you, me and each of us. You do your best and let the Lord promote you, accept His Love and He will always have your back. He is all that matters anyway.
I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.
Do your best and move on.
You Are Worthy!
So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.
The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord. Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.
Years ago, I started counseling mainly due to marriage issues and just at a loss, feeling crazy, feeling alone and no hope in life. Stuck.
Now, fearfully and not at all what I was expecting in counseling, it was all about me. Realizing, with each counseling session, I had a choice to dig my heels in and grasp what is or high tail it out of there.
Part of me felt it was crazy thinking how to do this and get to the point of making this work. Honestly, I still have issues with this.
Thankfully, I know to give myself grace and in time I will have my inner child trusting me and knowing that I love her unconditionally.
Growing up, I yearned for love and attention and sadly, I do as an adult. With counseling, understanding why this caused such in my life, I am doing better. I’m understanding that the little me needs me to love her and care and have fun, too.
Just Pondering... 