Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up. Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.
Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship. No matter what it is. Yes, sex, too.
I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife. Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.
Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face. Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact. This is how it happens. Never ending. So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.
Is this typical with other Asperger couples? Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad. I want more in life and fun. Just no connection.
Today, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.
While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her. At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions. To graduate was always a joke between us.
It was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about. It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave. For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.
Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed. His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.
Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her. But still, I miss her and grieve.
Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.
With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.
Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times. Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?
Even through the dangling, time heals. I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path. I just have to trust Him.
My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul. The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.
The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.
The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree. I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.
Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.
I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well. By the time everyone gathers, it will. Where is my get up and go?
Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all? Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.
No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life. Holidays are rough.
My get up and go… is gone. Just for now!
A few more ornaments will be added here and there. A dust rag swipes a table near. The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along. Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare. The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone. The holidays will be over once again. The cold dark days of January begin.
Be sensitive to those around you.
We never know what others are going through.
Temporary, seems to be the word of the day or maybe this week. Time will tell. Moving to our temporary office location, I keep hearing the others in the office repeat and remind themselves of this fact.
All evening, I have been in blah-ville. Ever been there? Just could not shake the sadness of grief, memories and the tears came easy. I’ve done so well but realizing these thoughts and feelings are only temporary. I understand them.
While receiving a text from my best sister-like, friend, of her situation living out west, as we both are settling in for bedtime, she expressed what she went through today and also said, it’s only temporary.
I know without a doubt that a good night’s sleep will bring new strength tomorrow.
Just know and reminding myself, it’s only temporary.