Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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Different Wavelengths

Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up.   Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.

Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship.  No matter what it is.  Yes, sex, too.5A5CABA9-2B4C-47F8-A06A-26138023EB11

I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife.    Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.

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Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face.  Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact.  This is how it happens.  Never ending.  So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.

Is this typical with other Asperger couples?  Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad.  I want more in life and fun.  Just no connection.

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Seasons of Life

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change.  I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.
Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me.  I felt dead.  It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.
While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other.  So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up.  Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to.  Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life.  I had no energy to make it happen.
As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too.  As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one.  My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone.   It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.
Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.
While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that.  At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited.  Thank God I am not where I was!
My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again.  Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful.  I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.
No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us.  In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes.  Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

Dangling

08473529-FA33-4C38-9A88-D15F42B4751CToday, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her.  At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions.  To graduate was always a joke between us.

D72D1370-20C6-4671-8399-530AF0C76E2DIt was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about.  It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave.  For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her.  But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times.  Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals.  I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path.  I just have to trust Him.

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Blue Christmas

My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul.  The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.c742fbc0-696e-42f7-9993-c1bad74152b8-58952-00000da5b593db5f

The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.

The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree.  I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.

Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.

I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well.  By the time everyone gathers, it will.  Where is my get up and go?

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Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all?  Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.

No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life.  Holidays are rough.

My get up and go… is gone.  Just for now!

A few more ornaments will be added here and there.  A dust rag swipes a table near.  The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along.  Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare.  The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone.   The holidays will be over once again.  The cold dark days of January begin.

657322F3-DD1A-4BAD-B269-034F546F5E83Be sensitive to those around you.

We never know what others are going through.

 

http://blog.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/2013/12/10/holiday-blues/

Temporary

7F1B569C-FE5D-414E-8D88-9800E6CC0890Temporary, seems to be the word of the day or maybe this week.  Time will tell. Moving to our temporary office location, I keep hearing the others in the office repeat and remind themselves of this fact.

All evening, I have been in blah-ville.  Ever been there?   B5AA4D88-7B3E-434D-A4E5-AB827BB5D91FJust could not shake the sadness of grief, memories and the tears came easy.  I’ve done so well but realizing these thoughts and feelings are only temporary.  I understand them.

While receiving a text from my best sister-like, friend, of her situation living out west, as we both are settling in for bedtime, she expressed what she went through today and also said, it’s only temporary.

I know without a doubt that a good night’s sleep will bring new strength tomorrow.

Just know and reminding myself, it’s only temporary.

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Feels Like Forever

Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!