Marriage – Page 13 – Just Pondering…

So Done, So Stuck

April 13, 2019April 14, 2019ponderingmissylou3 Comments

B55D7BA5-C109-42D4-90E4-EBF70E1617E4 Tonight, when going out for a walk, I was reminded just how blah my marriage is and has been. Returning from my walk, him sitting on our porch reading his sci-if book, the same. No nothing! No joy, no expression, no emotion, no comment. Nothing. Like a living dead man. In his own little world. I realize I deal with Aspergers with him, which I learned about just over four years ago from my former counselor. To know that, helps knowing I am not crazy but living this way, can make one crazy. It is a sad, lonely life. For better or for worse, the wedding vows echo and will be told, while trusted ones that know my situation say, leave.

If you are wondering why I stay. Financially, I stay, as most wives do. Before and still, it’s because of the kids. Stuck.

To daydream of having a man to talk to and share that will understand, have empathy, to touch my face and wipe tears as they fall, to laugh and act like kids sometimes, to grab me and kiss or hug me for no reason at all but because he enjoys being with me, loves me and tells me so. Fun, I want fun and I need laughter whether in daily living, at an amusement park or in bed. Is this being unrealistic? Marriage or any relationship has its good and bad days but… every day, every year?

To daydream about walking out the door and never return has not come for awhile but tonight it did. Leave it all. Just get in my car and leave. He can have it all, the house, savings, full benefits, bills, etc. Realizing, I have spent too many years to help build what we have and I am entitled to fifty percent of everything, I won’t just leave. The thought of preparing to split everything fifty-fifty, sell our house, etc., I will have to do it and arrange all the details, as he won’t. Nothing! My body just aches of the thought of the burden I have carried and will carry to make this dream come alive. I’m tired. So, I sleep and another day comes of the same. Easier to dream of leaving it.

To daydream of just being free. I can breathe.

I have held on this far and I will continue. I have to trust that the Lord is allowing me to heal in areas to get strong within myself and one day, make my dream come true of having nothing of a marriage to having a life free of being and feeling drained. I am taking care of me in my own life spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. It has taken me years to be where I am. Life of joy and purpose is returning to me.

Lord, hear my cry, see my tears, read the words in my writing, I know you know my name, where I have been with this and where I am. I’m tired. There has to be more.

A great book if you or someone you know is dealing with Aspergers.

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Knock, Knock

April 2, 2019April 2, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Do you ever daydream about, perhaps winning the lottery and what you would do with the millions of dollars? Sometimes, I do and no doubt you do, too. It is just fun.

My other daydream I have is that one day somebody will come and knock on my door, offering to buy my house and property. Of course, the dollar amount would need to be just right. Would I? Yes! Enough money and I’ll be out next week.

Crazy enough, I know of a family that had this happen. Actually, if there was a house I loved and knew I could afford, etc., I would knock on their door and offer my price for the family to sell and leave. Perhaps if I won the lottery, if only I played and won, I could do that. Again, just fun. Daydreaming at its finest.

Yesterday, being April Fool’s Day, I sent pictures of a small, cute house, and several rooms inside, all coordinated that fits the character of the outside and of my personality to my sister with, ‘Look what I did!’ With Google, you can do anything. The dreaming came alive even more.

I love my house but being an empty nester, I don’t want or need all this space. The yard is bigger than I want and even for my husband nowadays as age is creeping up on both of us.

So to dream, the escape of what is or of what could be is my happy place. 😎

Give Me Wings

March 13, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I wish I had wings like a dove.

I would fly away and find rest.

Psalm 55:6

Good News Translation

Ever feel that way? Sure you have.

Thinking back, I remember when my father was alive and had a feeding tube. I had to go to his home four times a day, starting at 5:30 a.m. At that time, I had two active boys under the age of six, at times worked at the church, and watched other children in my home, not to mention the other things that came caring for a home/family. I was exhausted.

Walking up to my Dad’s home, about two blocks away, I often looked up at the dark, clear sky seeing all the stars and would say, if I could just fly away. Thankfully, buying the house several years before, was a definite God thing because I could not have done this otherwise; to care for him daily, his home and my own. As tiring as it was, I have no regrets taking care of him, just wish I had more time.

On top of all of this, dealing with grief from my mother’s recent death, my marriage was dying. I knew it deep within but had to function as best as I could in the roles before me.

Each day turned into the next and you just make the most of it, I know I did or I at least tried. It wasn’t long until my father died and then the estate and sure enough family issues. There is always somebody that causes discord within the family and this in-law did just that to cause division. Does it ever end?

Even today, thinking back of everything that I endured, I really do not know how I did it. But God….. He saw me. He heard me. He collected my tears. He had heard all the nasty lies about me. If it had not been for Him, I would not be here today. It took its toll on me and family issues with estates are pure hell.

oday, as I do my job and watch the clock ready to leave the office, I am tired and ready for a vacation, which is only six weeks away. I am so ready. I found myself saying, if only I was a bird, I’d fly away, which brought back years of memories.

Sometimes life can get overwhelming in so many areas to where you’ve had enough. It’s at those times, you pray that the Lord uphold you with His right hand. Cover you with His wings and shelter you and give you peace.

Trust Him