Hope – Page 38 – Just Pondering…

Do Over

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylou2 Comments

I want a do over!

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Thats my temper tantrum for today. Well, at this moment. They can come an go at anytime although I know how to grin and bear it just as much. Life.

Life not what I expected. I always thought that once the empty nest came, focus on the marriage and time together would be fun and enjoyable.

Some say to leave, others know of that commitment made in a host of family and friends and above all, God. You know the one, for better, for worse. Hmmm…

While I have had a roof over my head and food on my table, etc., the Lord truly has provided. I have great children that are independent and successful. I have everything I need, right?

1C7F3826-D31B-4674-950E-32CF5D84EB99 My life is boredom, only to be recognized and commented on by my counselor that all I do is go to work and go home (church services) and repeat. How could I disagree with his statement but in my mind think, ‘We’ll thank you very much for that Mr. Counselor.’ Although, I have done a few fun things this year, so I have branched out. Yay, me!

I want to plan a trip with a girlfriend to shop, talk and laugh for hours to celebrate my big birthday this fall but knowing we might need the money, I hesitate. Selfishness on my part, I feel. So I remain with my schedule of work, home and repeat. It gets old. Goodness, I am getting old.

Dealing with Aspergers in him, my energy level drains quick when with him or even in the house and I need time to recharge. I can only take so much. Small doses. When too much, my mental and emotional levels drop and then affect my physical life. 49C79EA5-8FDE-43D0-B06C-621FCECA9CE1

I have noticed this many times before, although dealing with it for many, many years. Just today moreso, paying attention to how it affects me. A few hours yesterday working in our landscape. It’s our black/white talking (saying the same thing but differently), reminding him of what I just said seconds before (put birdbath here while tapping on spot but puts another place, saying don’t put rock here but does and this happening several times. Like dealing with a child. Exhausting. Today, I quietly walk within my own home to not wake him as he is in his tv room downstairs to go through the same or hearing him carry on a conversation with himself about whatever all the while whispering to myself, ‘Do not wake the dead.’ No more. My cup is empty. I look forward to going back to work tomorrow. Then, there is my pattern yet again, work and home.

While I am sad, bored and lonely, I truly am happy and feel blessed. It could be worse!

AD426E2A-61BD-4B20-AB4A-33426AC28840 The Lord knows all about this and I have to put my trust in Him to help me through it. Compared to years before, I have come through a lot, trust me, and I am getting through it still. Just disappointing at times, as I want and need more joy and laughter.

Thank God I had enough wisdom and willpower to contact a counselor and go, now almost five years ago. While she is no longer my counselor but was for four years, I gained so much in all areas of my life. I still see counselors and plan to get through this life.

This pattern and not knowing of Aspergers when I walked through her door back then was making me crazy. Had it not been for going for counseling, I do not know where I would be today. This is a great book. 👉🏻

For now, my temper tantrum is less… until next time. Thanks for spending it with me. 😉 ML

Despondent

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself. I understand the wall and isolation. I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues. I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be. Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he? I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through. Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147 Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

The Battle

June 23, 2019June 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98 I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be. Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him. A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again. As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder. He needed his mom just as much. As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

I just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully. But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy. It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away. We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him. Of course, that is not normal. I have to keep my faith in God. So hard to do at times.

Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times. God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

Of what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this. I cannot do it for him. We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process. That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him. I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding. We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love