On my way home today from church, I heard the man on the Christian radio station mention and encourage those listening to not quit.
Whether it be your job, etc. Life can be demanding and we may not like where we are in a position whether that be working, a marriage that is dying, health issue or whatever it may be. Discouragement and hopelessness takes over to the point you’d rather die. Sadly, some do to suicide.
As I pondered what he said and knowing right now my son is in a place that is hard, wishing he could hear this brief message of encouragement himself. I can see it, hear it and pretty well know he is struggling, as I am his mother. My heart hurts for him. I know, too, that he has to work through this or I will enable him and that will not help at all. I can pray. I have to trust the Lord through this process. He has been through some rough periods before and while it was hard to endure, for him and for me, he did it. I was so proud of him and he was proud of himself. As we will be together this week, I hope to remind him of just that. He can and will get through this, too.
In hopes of encouraging him, I remembered back to my own life and how I felt lost and hopeless. It’s so hard. Actually many times, as I have had to deal with some issues that only the Lord knew about because I did not share with others.
It was about twenty years ago, I did not care if I woke up when having gallbladder surgery. I had a note prepared for my children and a cassette tape (so that was a long time ago) of my voice talking to them, just in case I did not come through surgery. I remember the drive to the hospital and the hopelessness and sadness of my life felt. My gallbladder was to be removed but my heart was so broken, I did not think I would make it. I found myself so disappointed that I was still alive, and I can still remember that moment in recovery. Talk about hopeless. Nobody to share with, so alone and I was beginning to really doubt that the Lord knew me, cared, much less loved me. I wanted to quit life!
Still, I did not quit, I kept moving forward. I was back to work the following week and just going through the motions there, at home and in life. I was not happy.
Thankfully, I did not quit. Has it been easy? No. Have I wanted to give up since? Yes. Many times. Still, I know to keep going. Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and be thankful that your heart and lungs know how to function without your help. Keep going.
It was when I heard this song, “He Knows My Name” by Tara Jackson and played the song over and over for the longest time and still one of my favorites. He does knows my name and He knows where I am. Thank God.
Days, months, years passed and I did not quit. Finally confiding in a Counselor, it helped get myself together somewhat but he moved out of state after a year or so of counseling. Alone again.
It was six years later, I had enough and that I knew I needed help so I begin to ask the Lord to lead and direct me to the right Counselor. He did just that with four years of counseling with one of the best that changed my life and helped me put my faith and trust back in Him. He was always there for me but being so hurt, my attitude, anger and rebelliousness was there also. Was counseling easy? No. Many times I wanted to quit.
No matter what I am going through, whatever my son is going through right now or you as you are reading this, don’t quit. We are just going through. While life can bring some hurdles and sadness, there are blessings and joy, too. Look for the good in what is around you.
Tomorrow is another day if today sucks. Get some rest.
Realizing the same thing did exist and still of my former counselor. Transference. According to what I have read, transference is typical and actually normal as it causes the client to relate with the counselor, as 
Thankfully, before she left her practice, we discussed my pattern in life many times and how this affected me. I am unsure with her leaving, if she realized that I would struggle as much as I have. I do. Probably so, as she knew me quite well. I really get tired of this and thoughts that continue though. Nothing bad, nothing sexual but thoughts of I wish I could talk to her as I am unsure about this or that, questioning if she even thinks of me or remembers me now, hope I run into her, etc. Make it stop. Make this pattern stop. Frustration of this seems to be a daily task, feeling the loss of an emotional attachment, the grief that is felt but more-so the abandonment yet again in my life, feeling lost in the I need you, I don’t know what to do, etc. Normal. Being a child not receiving the care and concern, this pattern exists, like it or not.
These websites gave some tips on how to stop this, usually in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation but can be interchanged also. The link below is a post from Obsessed with the counselor’s reply. Obsessed could be me writing this and I had to actually question if it was me but the date it was written was too early in our counseling together. I understood Obsessed.
All I can gather is that the emotional toil on my life has zapped me more than I thought. The past two months of losses with animals, loved ones, turmoil with my child of worry and the unknown of what is before me. Exhaustion with it all plus the heat and humidity where I live has caused a lack of energy. Giving myself grace instead of feeling all down, depressed and lazy is a big step for me though. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. It’s okay to have some up and down days, too.
Instead of yearning for the motherly hugs from motherly figures around me or even from my counselor, which she gave me often upon leaving our session due to knowing my heart and feeling my basic heartache, I have turned more to the Lord. Lord, hold me through this or I need your loving arms to wrap around me. I need you. Hold me tight, don’t let go. Perhaps learning while knowing, that was what He wanted from me anyway, which was to turn toward Him and allow His Love to fill my heart void of love. No other can fill that void.
People, whether, friends, family, church, even counselors, etc., will let us down and hurt us. Normal. Our focus should be on God and know that He truly loves each one of us. To truly grasp that from one growing up feeling unloved, just existing, and love not shown, it is easy to question. Also normal.
Just Pondering... 