Blue Christmas

My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul.  The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.c742fbc0-696e-42f7-9993-c1bad74152b8-58952-00000da5b593db5f

The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.

The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree.  I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.

Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.

I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well.  By the time everyone gathers, it will.  Where is my get up and go?


Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all?  Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.

No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life.  Holidays are rough.

My get up and go… is gone.  Just for now!

A few more ornaments will be added here and there.  A dust rag swipes a table near.  The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along.  Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare.  The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone.   The holidays will be over once again.  The cold dark days of January begin.

657322F3-DD1A-4BAD-B269-034F546F5E83Be sensitive to those around you.

We never know what others are going through.


7F1B569C-FE5D-414E-8D88-9800E6CC0890Temporary, seems to be the word of the day or maybe this week.  Time will tell. Moving to our temporary office location, I keep hearing the others in the office repeat and remind themselves of this fact.

All evening, I have been in blah-ville.  Ever been there?   B5AA4D88-7B3E-434D-A4E5-AB827BB5D91FJust could not shake the sadness of grief, memories and the tears came easy.  I’ve done so well but realizing these thoughts and feelings are only temporary.  I understand them.

While receiving a text from my best sister-like, friend, of her situation living out west, as we both are settling in for bedtime, she expressed what she went through today and also said, it’s only temporary.

I know without a doubt that a good night’s sleep will bring new strength tomorrow.

Just know and reminding myself, it’s only temporary.



Feels Like Forever

Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!

Grief Sucks

5076C768-66B7-4F0C-9109-D7DA0CEF41E9In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable.  At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop.  They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them.  When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.

How many days will the tears come?  Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t.  I have lost so many loved ones to death.  I, too, have lost many in life.  Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.

Questions emerge of asking God all the whys.  Why did you allow this?  All the symptoms of grief circle around me.   Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.

Pencil Sketches Cry Girl With Boy Little Girl Crying Drawing At Getdrawings | Free For PersonalOne thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day.  To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm.  It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope.  It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression.  I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.

Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead.  Either way, it sucks.  Just keep walking through it.  The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about.  Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.