Today. I need you! Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart. You left me.
Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over. I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand. Anger at her and anger at God. Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience. Both probably know that this is of no surprise.
The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the sadness over it all and memories. Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor. Seriously? That’s the reason I feel it. So now what? I wanted to laugh and to cry. Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice. My heart cries out, I need you.
There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed. Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person. Help me. I need you.
Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same. Whether it be me, you or others. His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’
I need you to come to Me. I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc. I need you to trust Me. I will help you.
He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.
I get it! I need You, Lord Jesus.
Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page. There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.
The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression. Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.
I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come. I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.
So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels. What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?
Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do? It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.
Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings? Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be? I really miss my counselor. I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her? I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back. Then I wonder has she given up on me.
The holidays do not help. I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?
Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end? What happened to me?
Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am. He is all I have.
My heart sinks in despair today, the memories and the loneliness overwhelm my soul. The cloudy, rainy day doesn’t help and everything in front of me to do, I’d rather push away.
The holidays are here but my heart isn’t.
The Christmas tree is up and lit, thankfully a pre-lit tree. I struggle to add the ornaments one at a time.
Family will be here in ten days to celebrate and the desire to clean, decorate, wrap gifts of the ones that I do have remain undone.
I know if I put my heart in all of this, I can whip it out in no time and all will look well. By the time everyone gathers, it will. Where is my get up and go?
Am I dealing with sadness, or is it grief, or the holiday blues, perhaps procrastination at its finest, just no energy within, perhaps it is my age and, of course, is it depression from everything and all? Sadly enough, it’s all of those listed.
No doubt others around you and me feel the same or have at some point in life. Holidays are rough.
My get up and go… is gone. Just for now!
A few more ornaments will be added here and there. A dust rag swipes a table near. The Christmas music, I’ll turn up and hum along. Soon I’ll write out my menu to shop and prepare. The family will come, eat and enjoy. Then everyone will be gone. The holidays will be over once again. The cold dark days of January begin.
Be sensitive to those around you.
We never know what others are going through.
Temporary, seems to be the word of the day or maybe this week. Time will tell. Moving to our temporary office location, I keep hearing the others in the office repeat and remind themselves of this fact.
All evening, I have been in blah-ville. Ever been there? Just could not shake the sadness of grief, memories and the tears came easy. I’ve done so well but realizing these thoughts and feelings are only temporary. I understand them.
While receiving a text from my best sister-like, friend, of her situation living out west, as we both are settling in for bedtime, she expressed what she went through today and also said, it’s only temporary.
I know without a doubt that a good night’s sleep will bring new strength tomorrow.
Just know and reminding myself, it’s only temporary.
In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable. At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop. They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them. When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.
How many days will the tears come? Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t. I have lost so many loved ones to death. I, too, have lost many in life. Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.
Questions emerge of asking God all the whys. Why did you allow this? All the symptoms of grief circle around me. Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.
One thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day. To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm. It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope. It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression. I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.
Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead. Either way, it sucks. Just keep walking through it. The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about. Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.