Our family is once again hit with dementia lurking, as my mother-in-law is exhibiting signs more and more.
In her though, I have to hope it was an onset with her welcoming and God allowing it to come, as she dealt with a man full of control and emotional along with verbal abuse, for years. This protected her.
This sweet lady endured so much while we had to keep our distance from the same man. While he exhibited issues, something clicked in 2018 and made it worse. They both aged twenty years, as I compared photos within a fourteen-month span. Still, we had to hold our distance, making minimal visits to observe, with excuses to get in the door.
Now, speed forward, he passed away this year and that in itself was a horrid situation. How terrible to say, but a relief although so sad.
While she is in our care now, she has improved so much, those twenty years after helping her in hygienic ways, she looks younger and happier. Memory of him is long gone, for the better.
How long we get to enjoy this sweet lady is unknown but she will never be abused. Hopefully, her dementia will not worsen but usually it does. We will cross that bridge as it comes.
I ordered a book called, A 36-Hour Day. The reviews have been great from others in this role. Some advice we are already doing, not knowing, which gives me hope that we have been doing the right things to help her.
We are learning as we go. Slow but steady steps. We have crossed big hurdles until the next one to get here where we are today. Now we are smooth sailing and making great strides.
Thankful that we have the means of doing what we are accomplishing and hope and pray to continue.
Everything that happened during the COVID19, was not all bad. It allows her son to work from home still, caring for her in her own home and surroundings.
I have the best mother-in-law. She has the best daughter-in-law. That’s what I tell her and we both laugh. I’m the only daughter-in-law. Truth!
Blessed.
Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”
As a child, my best friend and I would take a break from playing and lay in the grass, looking at the clouds. Laughing and pointing to shapes we saw, trying to convince the other of what and where. See? I still remember this so clearly, fifty plus years later. Clouds are majestic in their own way. I still do this, seeing shapes and smiling.
Today, as I sat on my exit ramp going home, I look up at the clouds. This is a daily thing with me. They look so soft, knowing they are not soft at all. The shapes and uniqueness is mesmerizing.
Oftentimes though, I have sat in the car, on the same exit ramp, as life stops for a moment to reflect. Tears form of memories of grief flood my heart.
It was after my mom died in 1996, I would be in the same place thinking how beautiful the sky and clouds were from my standpoint but realizing the beauty my mom saw from her now heavenly standpoint.
The exit ramp was my quiet moment, waiting for the traffic light to turn, between work and home cooking supper for a hungry family back then. It was my period of grieving. Those moments still come and go, as today, I see the clouds and remember my mom.
Life. It’s how we see and deal with what is around us and the remarkable way we cope with loss. It’s okay to grieve, you must.
May the clouds you see in life be beautiful. The dark clouds come but don’t last. Look at the clouds and let your mind get lost and relax feeling peace within.
Psalm 147:8 He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills
Job 35:5 Look at the heavens, and see; and behold the clouds, which are higher than you.
I went through with a plan today that I made months ago, and it seemed like the right solution but today I questioned myself. Should I or should I not? I hate that period of second guessing myself. I did it though, which was the right decision.
My heart felt otherwise and saddened. I tried to remain strong, but I knew good and well that when one tear falls, the waterfall of other tears will gush through with no way of stopping them and last for a bit.
My husband was already an emotional mess, so I had to keep a straight face. I did fine on the twenty-five-minute drive but the moment my car stopped, and I opened my car door, it was another story. It did not last. Onward we went, all four of us crying.
In all of my life of having cats off and on, whether it be one or two, but the last three years have been eight. Yes, eight. We had two of our choosing for years and it was great. Since we tended to be a good drop off point or neighbors in the duplexes nearby left their fur babies, which then became ours. It was when one brought her liter of three is when we realized we had a house full. We would not let them starve or be cold. Vet visits were a lot of planning and work, not forgetting the expense. Then there is feeding them.
Mama Cat with her babies
There’s a quote that reads something like, I work hard so my pets can have a good life. True! It’s not cheap.
The next to the last one to come from who knows where, was Mouse. He stayed in our garage the last three winters. His name Mouse was due to his gray fur, which was an ugly gray as a mouse but has turned out so pretty as he aged. He is spoiled, as he had his own space with an electric blanket that surrounded his comfy bed. He was the bully, there is always one, which is why he stayed in the garage.
I have held more than a few pets upon their last breath in my lifetime. I never wanted my pets to feel alone but feel my warmth and a last hug as the Vet does his job, which was a last option due to age and/or illness. There comes a time when you say when, it’s enough. Another hard decision but loving them enough to not suffer is showing love and care.
Today was not that though, it was surrendering two cats to a no-kill shelter. I visited the shelter weeks ago to see the living conditions and ask a million questions. I know full well they will be cared for and adopted out soon, but I had no further control of caring for them once I signed the paperwork. Letting go, saying goodbye and walking out the door leaving them was as hard as a death. No more.
Mouse
Elmo
Still, deep within, I know they will have life yet to live with hopefully a loving family that will one day say they cannot imagine life without Elmo or Mouse. I pray that is the case for each sweet baby.
We went out to eat lunch afterwards, not in celebration, but we were hungry. Now he was fine, and I am crying at one point, as I wonder how Elmo is doing. There was no stopping the tears while waiting for our food. Again, the floodgates were open and ready to flow.
Elmo was hiding in the corner behind the dryer looking at me as I said my final goodbyes, a couple of times. I think it was a look of hate. I just wanted to pull that dryer out and grab him. Apparently, it is a popular place for newbies, the shelter lady said, which is typical for cats.
He was tired so he will get to his personal, safe pen before the shelter closes and sleep the night. Poor Elmo had anxiety and felt abandoned and already rejected by his mother. We still have her. He never grew apart from her, but she did from him, which is natural. I would see him follow her in the yard, still after three years. It is like I could hear him, “Wait mommy, don’t leave me.”
I understand the pain of abandonment and rejection, so I understood him all this time. Here I did the same. Maybe his look at me was asking, “Why? Why are you leaving me?” because even with that, I understood. I said those same words years ago myself. That’s where I lose it and become emotional. Elmo, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Forgive me.
To make sense of my decision is to know of his behavioral pattern of marking places where his mama had been, watching her every move. Plus, too many cats in our house. He needs to be in a one cat house to have the love and attention he deserves. I so hope he gets this, and I have to trust that he does and is not mistreated. We have had this crew since birth so there has been a bonding.
I have to forgive myself for this big change in our home and in his life. My heart hurts for him but I love him enough that he deserves a new home.
I deserve to have my home and to have open doors instead from keeping him from rooms, which is not fair to me or the other cats. It caused me to be upset when I would see a marking. Never major but still enough. This was a big decision and a big step. I hope he can settle after the newness of the shelter and away from his mama and that I, too, can settle from the anxiety of leaving him. I will not miss keeping a keen eye on areas and clean.
So as the nighttime rolls around now, his first night away from home in three years, wondering if he is okay and Mouse, too, I will probably do this for a while at times with regret but also having a freedom.
Grief is grief. While we expect it with death, there is still grieving when losing someone living. Today, it goes for pets, too. I love you enough, it hurts.
Just Pondering... 