Fear – Page 19 – Just Pondering…

No Attendance?

February 10, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Have you ever signed up for something and later regret? Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.

Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel. Still, there is anxiousness within.

I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing. I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord. Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.

Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up. I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me. This was a big step for me. I put my feet in the water as they say, to test. If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing. I am here because of Him.

To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should. A step of faith for sure.

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Seasons of Life

January 23, 2019January 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change. I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.

Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me. I felt dead. It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.

While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other. So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up. Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to. Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life. I had no energy to make it happen.

As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too. As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one. My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone. It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.

Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.

While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that. At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited. Thank God I am not where I was!

My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again. Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful. I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.

No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us. In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes. Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

Stepping Out

January 7, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

What am I doing? It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one. How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment. Complete faith and trust in the Lord. The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’ Oh my! The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all. I cannot do this. I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen. The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc. Life goes on!

Stepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck. I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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