As I see him leave the house, there is a spring in my step. 
I’m ready to turn up my music, flow freely through my house, sing and sometimes dance if I so desire, the cleaning becomes fun, the sound of the vacuum is like a melody, the washer and dryer hum in the background. What a nice time enjoying my home without an energy, draining vampire lurking about.
If I decide to write as I am doing now, the words flow freely and my mind is sharp. So much to do enjoying my time alone, knowing it is short lived so I cherish the moments, as it will soon end.
I don’t have to listen to his sighs and monotone voice with no joy present, as Aspergers is real and there is none to be found. I have had years to search and try to find and realize there is just none. I’m bored to tears and have been for years. I have so much to give in love and laughter but I’m done trying to go there with him. Only disappointment and sorrow swallows me up inside with nothing more to give.
Lord, there must be more, I have said so many times through the years and You heard the same today. I have come so far and know the light at the end of the tunnel is near. I’m getting impatient so please hurry this along. My age is adding numbers and my strength is becoming less. There is so much I want to do in my time left. I want happiness, I want to feel joy, I just want to have fun and laugh until it hurts. I’m at an age I feel I’ve earned the best of what life has to offer, but I’m stuck and need a few more things to line up.
Well, I need to get the clothes from the dryer and close up my freedom as soon he will be walking through the door once again. Turn the music off, put the vacuum away, gather my warm clothing to fold and put away, the singing and dancing goes on the shelf and boredom soon to develop.
Lord, there has to be more for me on this earth. I know you have had your Hand upon me and still, and I thank You with my whole heart.
Life continues in this quiet house, non-existence of a relationship under one roof with no joy to be found except what I have in my heart and I know to wait.
https://leslievernick.com/if-i-leave-im-afraid-i-will-dishonor-god/
Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 
sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.
Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.
Just yesterday I was in my twenties, thirties, forties and, of course, fifties. Now, the BIG 60. How did that happen so quickly? I also often wonder how I and/or we have made it to our 30th anniversary. Wow! 30 years!
As I was busy with toddlers and caring for my aging parents, things changed in those years. My parents passed within two years of one another, then dealing with the estate and family issues. Sadly, my marriage died, too. Alone within and being private while wearing a mask of us all being a happy Christian family. Taking this all upon me, as it was all my fault, accepting the lies and rumors being spread that I am a bad person, etc., was weighing heavy upon me.
thankfully not a large space. While scrubbing, I remember thinking I am just like the fairytale we have all read, Cinderella. As for much of the forties, I do not remember, as I lost myself in those years. My focus was on my children and my energy went to them, otherwise depression was overtaking me.
Just Pondering... 