So many times in life, I see things open up before me and fall into place. Timing is everything. I just smile and say or think, I know that was You Lord, thank you.
About a month ago, I found a page on Facebook of a counselor and she was describing trauma and complex trauma, which caught my attention so I liked and followed her page. Each Sunday evening she would read parts of the book, Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. I was hooked.
I listened to her read and offer her personal comments, and I listened to it again. I went to the next week’s reading and did the same. This continued for a couple of weeks for me in order to catch up. If I was alone in the office, I would listen while I worked (and may have whistled, too).
All through this listening and soaking the information in, I found myself in awe. Part of me, I felt as though I was in a counseling session, or like an extended session of previous sessions with my former counselor. It was just odd but awesome, as we had discussed many things within the book. As she read and added tidbits, it made my time listening more personal, just me and her, as if she was reading and talking to me. I just felt this was a pretty cool way for a counselor to do this while also being quarantined but helping others, too.
With everything regarding this book being read and being discussed, I knew I wanted this book before her next reading. This was surreal, too many things were lining up and connecting with this book and my former counseling, as I mentioned earlier. Honestly, I thought many times and wondered why my counselor did not just hand me this book and say, read it. Then again, timing. I would not have been ready to understand, relate or grasp. Amazing.
So, of course, I ordered the book. What would we do without Amazon Prime? I was going to be ready for the next reading of this book.
So as in the title, ‘From Striving to Thriving,’ I really do expect that I will not be the same after going through this book and the quarantine, I don’t want to be. I have been on a quest to be a better me for years now, as I want more. So as the dots connect, I thought it would be fun to work through this book and share, if just for me.
http://pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html
I know to pray, I know that the Lord hears my prayers whether in my thoughts, silently or verbally. Had it not been, I would not be here, right now. At times, all I could muster up was, Lord help me. My heart being in such despair and nobody to turn to or trust, He was all that I had. He was all that I needed. Even though I felt alone in the thick of it all, and even felt at times He was nowhere to be found. Although, I know now that my faith grew in those dark, lonely periods, it had to in order to survive.
to say lump on a log, smacks me. To bring it home to understand and to grasp, I feel he is mad and hollering at me, his finger pointing confirms I am unworthy, to say sitting like a lump on the log is that I am also lazy. End result, convinced I am a good-for-nothing person on the face of the earth or in my family, now church family as a Christian.
In a church service or in our private time, we worship and praise the Lord to usher in His Presence. His Presence is precious and I am fully aware of Him during such times. I do not have to put on a full production of waving my hands, shouting praises and being something I am not. If I do all of that and I have tried but that is my time between me and the Lord. I can stand or sit quietly and feel His presence all over me with tears flowing down my face, dropping from my chin in my worship, praise and prayer. This is my personal time with Him. I don’t need to care what others think or expect of me, although at times I do and accustomed to, which has always held me back.
So as I toss this back and forth the past few weeks due to the COVID19 situation and the seriousness of it all, the finger pointing and preaching returns, of saying do this, do that. Again, I get it, I really do, but each time, I still get that unworthy feeling. I know, too, that the enemy wants me, us all to feel the unworthiness and to remain stuck. Am I going to act and put on a show just to please the preacher? No. Will I still get frustrated with him when he pushes this down our throat once again? Yes. I do understand he is trying to help us grow in the Lord but it is a big turn off for me. I love my church, my pastor and the anointing. I have considered finding another church at times, which may or may not be any better. I know that the enemy antagonizes me and I realize this could be a ploy to separate me from the church. So with that, something is about to break, a battle within. I have been at this church since 1985 so change is hard, too. This is when I need to be rebellious and stubborn, not with the Pastor or even with myself but the enemy wanting to halt my praise, worship and prayer.
Knowing and understanding this, perhaps praying, praise and worship will come easier for me. Still, I know the Lord meets us where we are and He is the one to direct us and help us in areas to get us to where we need to be. To be a willing vessel, He will do just that. I do not need to put on an air to appease the preacher or anyone around me. The Lord is all that matters and my relationship with Him. To acknowledge how this has affected me, I do not need to accept the feelings of unworthiness. I am worthy!
Today I coughed to clear my throat many times. No other symptoms, just a cough. As I continued in my day, the thoughts started to run rampant within, of you have the virus, you have given this to your sons and it will be your fault and, of course, you are going to die. The enemy likes to torment me and place fear to where I feel frozen or perhaps paralyzed unable to think, get things done, as I go from this to that and chaos causing me to feel scatterbrained. It’s anxiety. My cough is just from the anxiety felt.
Focus! We are to keep our eyes on The Lord. He brings peace to the chaotic, scatterbrained routine that we may slip into at times. Just be sure to bring your focus back to Him.
Just Pondering... 