Abandonment – Page 10 – Just Pondering…

I’ve Let You Down

August 16, 2019ponderingmissylou1 Comment

I have sat on the loveseat in my counselor’s office week after week, year after year trying to understand life as an older, adult woman and realizing my childhood held a lot of the keys to the confusion felt.

Why has it taken me this long to ‘get it’ as my years are getting shorter and feel I have missed out on so much in life due to situations somewhat out of my control. The rush against time to fix areas and acknowledgement plus receive healing seems to be at one moment delightful and then the other overwhelming.

1169C66D-A717-4B98-B4F9-3CFBD0B16D96 As we discussed my own childhood issues so many times, I felt the burden and so often while reading about emotional neglect and abandonment, the burden that I let my own children down. I have failed them. How do I make that right now from their childhood? They are both grown adults. They seem well adjusted, confident but are they really? Will they ever express to me where I failed? Could I handle it, if so? I want to ask them but I am fearful to know, too. Will they even know until they also might be sitting on a counselor’s loveseat trying to understand life as I am and realize the damage done. The cycle of life as we all fail in one area or another or more.

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Not just in my own circle but as I look around at the families nowadays and everyone is on their cellphones. In due time, that will affect the children, soon to be adults. The lack of eye to eye contact and communication is almost gone.

BD34D33B-6F71-4B2E-9CB2-EB531553027E If only…. how many times we all say that. If only I could do some things over, I would still fail my children. So when the burden or guilt overrides my parenting, I know that I must remember I did the best that I could with what I knew. Today, and always, they know I love them. My time left on this earth and our time together, I do know that they will have a more happy, healthier mother before them.

I have let you down in many ways but I will always lift you up and I hope that is enough, my child. Mom ❤️

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Deep Roots

August 5, 2019August 6, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The roots of abandonment can go far and be buried in the depths of your soul, well mine anyway. While I know I am not alone, as I have read too much of others confessing the same. It just makes you feel alone, that nobody cares and the sadness can swallow one up in a gulp.

Today was no exception. I opened up an area that I just tend to scrape the surface but that scab fell off and I was in pain from the triggered effect. Oh my God, how much more do I need to deal with this pain in my life? Will it ever go away? Have I been pushing down all the emotions still, all along? Honestly, I know that answer. I do. It has been a lifelong trait that I fall into easier.

The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind. It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her. I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.

So many times, I would love to retreat and do the same, to allow my creativity to flow. My life experiences in snippets only show up here through my own emotional battles.

Recognizing my emotions and naming the loss and sadness that I was feeling was the easy part. Years ago, I did not know to do that so I have advanced in this turmoil, thanks to my counselor. It is how to move forward and heal from it, I find hard. So like Erica, I can wail, scream through my distress while FBF67FD9-262C-42D1-A50A-427B3497558C wiping the tears as they flow. That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat. Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.

Praying, Lord I need you to love me through this loss, this pain.

Knowing, too, I was tired from a long weekend and then a long day at work. I needed a nap, which I took. It is self-care to do such and we all need that, too. It is not always laziness but to recharge what is depleted and my emotional tank was running on empty.

Give yourself grace through these times, if you experience. We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives. It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing. Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain. Preaching to myself, right here. Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward. The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it. With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long. My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right. It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it. We’ve got this! One day at a time.

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Struggle in the Dirt

July 21, 2019July 21, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

It was about a week ago, as I spoke with my counselor, it got a little deeper in our session than normal. Still, we are becoming familiar with one another and I like that but digging deep gets to the rich soil that is there. Plowing up some old hurts and present issues to bring healing and the joy of blooming where you are, where I am.

I know this all sounds so flowery. Not in the beginning though because there is dirt and lots of it to contend with in life. The big, bad and ugly parts that are buried. You know how it goes, the seed is dropped in the dirt, watering and sprouts begin to develop and soon the stems with flower buds and flowers. Season after season, this can happen. Just as in life, we go through seasons.

As we discussed some issues, we mentioned and discussed abandonment. A common thread in my counseling sessions throughout the years along with my blogging, as it had such an impact on me.

My former counselor of four years was one that saw me 7177A8D1-60B1-4C48-89A6-C99539B65E87 in the dirt, plowed and plowed to get me ready for seed and growth. It was not a small undertaking by her at all, it was orchestrated by God. He knew I needed her when I did and allowed us to work together for all of those years.

Today or now as I meet with my counselors, it comes easier and I feel joy. It is not that I did not feel joy with my former counselor, I did at times but she had to do a lot of forceful digging to get deep with me and in my heart of hurts and issues. Many times I wanted to quit growing. The rebellious part of me asking why do I have to go through this. Many times feeling and saying I don’t want to do this. Deep down though, I knew in order to feel life later, I had to and continue. Even though I am older, I have more life to live before I die and the previous ones proved to zap life from me. Nobody really ever cared enough to know me and understand me, as she did. Healing comes when heard and understood. To dig deep was not easy for me nor for her. Most counseling sessions ended with me being overwhelmed and emotionally spent. I remember well dealing with it all, trying to make sense of it all for a good twenty-four hours, if not more, each week. We would do it all again the following week.

Now the sense of joy felt is that I understand myself better, she opened my eyes to many areas that proved to cause confusion in my life from childhood, marriage and just in life itself.

Each session enriched the soil within my life. Today, I feel joy because of just that. I have grown through the dirt and standing tall, most days. Other days, maybe peeking out at the sky and others I feel a bloom about ready to pop with new life. How exciting.

The counselors I have now are watering the dirt, the seed and sprouts and stems and at times, flower bulbs. I did not say flowers. I still have a way to go but I feel the growth, the warmth of the sun and one day, the flower buds will burst open with beauty. Oh how I want that. In hopes that I can freely express myself to others that they know they are not alone, as in the struggles I have endured. We are to help one another. Our testimony just might be healing for another. The vulnerability frightens me a tad but the Lord will help me, I feel, when it is time. I’m patient, I have had to be in life, while in the dirt.

While we may feel hopeless in the darkness, hurt and alone, as in the dirt, the root system is growing and enabling strength to endure of what is to come. Not all bad. Trust the Lord because odds are, He has a plan.

I do not know what all of this will look like but the anticipation of it all is exciting. I have been truly blessed with my counselors. The Lord truly placed each one in my life to help me struggle through the dirt, wilt at times, push through, stand and get strong, form a leaf or two, experiencing a bud now and then, as I look forward to blooming and the flower burst into beauty.

Hope! There is more to the rest of my life and I want it.

How about you? Where are you in this growth process, in the dirt, standing and waiting to bud and bloom or are you wilting away and stuck in the dirt?

I was stuck for so long and the darkness about overtook me. I had to make a decision and if this is you, move forward. Try counseling, see a medical doctor for a blood workup as you just might be low in areas or need anti-depressants (and that is okay). Most importantly, trust the Lord and allow Him to touch your life and heal the heartache and broken pieces in your life.

When I was at this one pivotal point in counseling, my counselor’s advice before she left on vacation was for me to get in every altar call at church, have others pray for me and I did just that. Humbling experience but I did just that to move forward and it did. If you take one step, He will take two.

Whatever, do not remain stuck. I had a choice, you have a choice.

Get out of the dirt and bloom where you are planted. 🌸

Isaiah 35:1-2 “Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God.”