Author: ponderingmissylou

Unforeseen Circumstances

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Last night I had many hours to view and think. Going to the emergency room is never delightful. Knowing time is going to be ate up with many hours of waiting. Waiting. Waiting to be triaged, called and tests done with results.

This was upon me. Seven days of pain was too much. I was over it. I had a choice of two hospitals to my liking. Lord, where am I to go? The one I chose, I found I was questioning my choice at five hour mark of waiting. It was a long night.

The place was packed. It was a Monday. Was it a full moon, I wondered but did not want to waste my cell phone battery? All these thoughts and wanting to just go home and suffer another night. Could I go another day? Already signed in, not knowing how the insurance would be affected. I stayed. I made a choice. Going forward.

Finding the right place to settle down was not easy, as I walked and looked. This is an ER, so the poor, pitiful looks was a lot to take in. I did find a place but a husband wife needed to sit together, so I was on the hunt again after I paced and felt a comfort location and sat down.

We were all sitting and waiting in our pod now. The occasional glance of each other, while we all watch the ER fill up non-stop. Sitting at the first pod, we saw it all. Amazing.

In time, one lady and I started talking, then another and another. Spending seven hours waiting, not afraid to talk and share, even though we each had an issue, we laughed and got to know each other in what time we had upon us.

Then one by one, we celebrated their name called to be seen. High-five moments. One guy was sharing his family photos of his beautiful family with me. The grandma, sitting with her ex-daughter-in-law, who brought her, was sharp as a whip and funny. That right there was perhaps the reason I chose this ER. The daughter-in-law, early on told me she divorced her son but kept his mom. Later, I had to ask her before leaving, if her and him are still friends and they are. My own situation, it can be done.

I left mid-point of our group saying our goodbyes, and I felt like I left nice people. Too bad we cannot reconnect in better circumstances. Still, we helped one another endure the dreaded time. I hope they sensed the same.

Tears Fall

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Have you ever missed someone and just the mere thought brings tears? Of course, grief is real. Real for those that have passed especially but also those that are living but no longer in contact. Sounds easy enough, pick up the phone or send a text/email, doesn’t it? Not that easy.

I had a wonderful counselor years ago and for many years. Now time has passed but still there are moments I would love to talk to her. Times in my own uncertainty about whatever. I have to trust myself and my gut instincts. Plus, I respect her too much to bother her and I’d be out of line, but that does not stop the occasional tears. While she heard me and understood me more than my own family/friends, I know that this depth of sadness within will dissipate. What I need is within me. It’s okay to cry and to miss her. Deep down, I feel thankful and so blessed that she enriched my life with truth.

I am stronger than I think and feel, and I know these tears will dry. It will all be okay.

Those moments come for me and you probably. Trust yourself and know that you will get through this rough patch. Maybe rest is needed. It’s okay to rest.

Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels.com

“This is the shortest verse of the Bible. It says, “Jesus wept.” This means that nobody is promised against sorrow or pain.” John 11:35

https://biblereasons.com/missing-someone/

A Mother’s Guilt

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Does it ever end? I really was a good mother, the best I knew to be but I feel I failed in so many areas, too. Don’t we all though? The ‘if only’ I had known or could do over sometimes rolls over in my mind, even though they are grown adults. I needed more time with them to do this or that, teach them things that I overlooked and so much more. Time runs out.

A mother of toddlers and as they grow, it is exhausting but the best reward in life ever. It is not an easy job being a parent. Today, I wonder how the parents are relating and dealing with what is before their own children and family, as the world seems to be spiraling down to a deep despair of ungodliness.

I remember the time when my boys were old enough and to the age of puberty and here comes Clinton having office sex with his staff attorney, being discussed on tv. I felt I was at a loss. Now all the drag and pronouns and senseless behavior. It boggles my mind.

All I know to do is realize deep down and STOP the mental fight that I was a bad mom and did not do enough. My sons are doing quite well, but I know also I failed them in many ways. We learn. They learn. We all learned. Our parents did not do everything right either, I know mine did not. They did the best they could at the time. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself. To dwell in the depths of despair is useless and causes the rabbit hole of mental anguish to deepen.

What I can do today, from this point forward and each day is to be a better mom. To be me and know that they have a path to walk and to keep my eyes on the Lord, knowing and truly believing that He has prepared a path for them. They get to choose and make decisions. I have been out of the picture for a long while now, but I will always be a landing pad for them, if needed. They know that and they know, too, that I love them.

The guilt comes to all of us parents. It is the point of stopping the guilt and acknowledging that our prayers have been heard and that the Lord knows their name and He knows exactly where they are in life. Sometimes, we want to help the Lord. Just stop and let Him show them the way and that they be open enough to recognize the way. I did my job and probably you have, too, or are in the midst. Just because they are adults, they are still our children. Our way is not their way. We let go again and again. Let God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/verses-to-pray-over-your-children.html