Today at church, which has been great to attend again, a late, smaller service and no cameras. Just for me. Too many have been ill with the virus through the months, so I declined going. The morning was beautiful with the sunshine, even though it was quite cold. The joy of knowing springtime is near.
I was reminded today of how far I have come.
As I am sitting there waiting for church to start, a lady commented that my face looks thinner. I had to laugh and said, yes I hear that all the time. While nice of noticing a difference in my face, it actually hurts me when this is said. I get frustrated more with myself. It makes me feel hopeless.
Also, it is my internal thoughts that start stealing my peace and my joy each time, because it is like a look of disgust received that I am still fat. I am.
As I turned to sit in my seat ready for service, for a couple of minutes, I had a war within. All the negative thoughts were being thrown at me and an urge to go hide. Just go hide, as it hurts too much. I was considering to leave and go home to feel safe in my rocking chair, throw the covers over my head and call it a day. All because I am fat, the thoughts of unworthiness, I should hide my fat, I am a disgrace nobody wants to see me, etc. WOW
The struggle was real but I worked through it soon after and stayed. I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. There were many years. I did hide.
Life can throw some heavy rocks of condemnation, unworthiness, shame and every negative word or thoughts to the point of hopelessness. I was there, in a pit of despair for so many years due to several circumstances. I had given up. What’s the use, just hide and let my comfortable chair hug me to a long deep sleep, sometimes hoping I would not wake up.
Even though I deal with weight issues, which I allowed to increase over the years. Depression will do that to you, as some of you may know. I have had to deal with being over weight. We probably each have a struggle in one way or another. Exactly where the enemy wants us, to hide and be depressed, believing the lies.
This won’t be the last time that I will be told my face looks thinner and then they glance at my body. It hurts because I see it happening, and I know I will need to deal with it afterwards. Thankfully, I did not leave church. I did not go hide in my bedroom and rock the negative thoughts to sleep. It can feel like a prison, locked up.
The first worship song, I sang along and clapped my hands, while still tossing a few of those negative thoughts. It was about the third time around of hearing and seeing the words on the screen and me singing, “He set me free, Yes He set me free, and He broke the bonds of prison for me” I actually felt joy rise up within me.
I know I have been in prison, not actual prison, but one in my mind that I am no good, etc. I don’t want to even type the words now of what I struggled with again or elaborate. I think you get it.
I am worthy of God’s Love whether I am overweight with a thinner face or whatever. He loves me. I don’t need to go hide away from life and people. I don’t need to fear but have peace knowing He is doing a work in me.
Perhaps you understand and at times want to hide yourself as the negative thoughts bombard your mind, or people are unkind in their words whether they know it or not. Whatever it might be. Please know, YOU are Worthy of God’s Love. He loves YOU.
I felt the prison bars opened for me today. I just need to walk out with my head held high. I don’t need to run off and hide. Just shut the door for no re-entry when those moments come and I want to hide.
Lord, don’t let me hide.
“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” (Isaiah 45:2-3)
..if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free. John 8:36
“God has opened the prison doors for you to walk out into the freedom He promised through Christ.“
https://findingtruthwithin.com/2016/04/29/freedom-friday/
https://bessg.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/prison-in-our-life/
https://biblestudentsdaily.com/2016/08/18/isaiah-611-the-opening-of-the-prison/
I find that childhood issues can wreck havoc even in a grown adult, me. I have heard that many times. Or the phrase, adult problems are childhood issues. Still, understanding after many years of counseling of childhood issues and childhood emotional neglect, just to name a couple. Well how about rejection and abandonment, too. I still get triggered and a panic felt within as I want to just cry, but I freeze. I recognize this more so because my voice gets lower and somewhat shaky when trying to remain calm so the one I am talking to will not notice, but inside I am falling apart.
needed to take care of herself if that was the case. The whole ordeal with her leave was horrendous for me, I felt totally abandoned while we were actively discussing abandonment, so I saw this in a whole new light and degree. I have written many blogs of my time with her and now of no longer her client due to closing her office. In this scenario, feeling she did not want me anymore.
unless it was my actual birth. I was an oops baby, I know that. Seven years my mom thought she was done having children and then I appeared. It makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside (sarcastic tone). Perhaps that was it or later, but I can tell you how often I felt this way, which was all of my life. The lingering effects can also bring shame, feeling unlovable and asking myself what is wrong with me.
So whether it is me or if you can relate and question if loved and wanted, just stop and realize and acknowledge that you are loved and you are wanted.
Just Pondering... 