The other day, working and running from one appointment to another after leaving work early, in hopes that everyone needs to run on schedule as I had to. Three appointments, an hour each, everything worked perfectly. It was a good day, the stars all lined up, as they say.
Well, until the last one. It was the third appointment, at 4:15 that I pushed to get there on time and I sat. I waited. I enjoyed a few mints. I usually never dig in the candy 
dish although I have one on my desk that is open for guests to enjoy. I waited more, thinking the appointment my counselor was in would soon end and she would be rounding the corner to greet me. I waited, still. I wrote, texted, read, ate another mint and I could feel myself melt in the chair 
from tiredness of the early morning alarm and the busy day. I was now too tired to really talk, the clock was ticking away and I finally set my time that I would leave. I wrote a brief note and I left. I never do that either. Done. Goodbye.
Realizing, I had somewhat of a guilty feeling to leave but I was forgotten. A fear of abandonment and rejection that normally would knock me down and cause panic within me. A conversation my former counselor and I have had many times before.
The fear and panic that would overwhelm me, but I did not feel that this day. It was one of those shake your head moments. Now, in real time, I am actually forgotten by my present 
counselor. Oh my gosh! The ‘OMG’ panic, fear and anger was missing. Whether I was too tired or was I just frustrated, I tried to figure out. Was it me? Did I forget or have the wrong day? Knowing this was an off day to meet due to a previous engagement, but we both agreed the week before and also confirmed in an e-mail days before. My mind tossed this and that as I drove away. Have I changed that much? Has there been a healing in this weak area of my life of fear of being left, rejected, forgotten? I even had to think of my relationship with her compared to my former counselor, is it me that I do not care enough for this counselor. I do care. There is a difference between them, of course, but that was not it either. This feeling of being forgotten before would not matter whom it was or situation.
So. What just happened? Who am I?
To definitely get the one question answered and clear, she is a great counselor also. I know, too, what happened in this circumstance, as I came on a day before my normal appointment and she just forgot to write it down. So yes, I was forgotten but instead of digging a hole of self-pity and sadness to bury myself, I accepted the fact and in the end, was right plus receiving an apology from her.
With me sitting there so patiently, I did realize I am very patient, more than most would be. I have had a lot of practice in this area, I believe. I try to give a benefit of a doubt to people and situations but sometimes that leads to anger afterward within me. Accept, shrug your shoulders and move on. I am to 
the point that my time and that it is more valuable than being concerned with things I have no control over.
I realized I apparently did pick up some tricks of the trade from my former counselor of many years, which was rewiring my brain. Just like the thoughts of ‘what if’ and I would continue down the dreaded rabbit hole of negative thinking. I did it! I came out on the other side. While I approached home and at the last traffic light, I had a brief moment where I felt the tears building, my heart rate increasing and that panic. I recognized it and acknowledged. Fear. I was exhausted. Again, to recognize and realize, I knew she would not purposely forget me.
We are not to believe every thought we have. Turn those negative thoughts or lies around.
I was just amazed and still how that time sitting and waiting did not knock me out of the game of life and counseling. If anything, it made me stronger within myself and probably the connection between us as counselor and client.
Moving forward as I will not let this stop me.
Above all, and most importantly, I know the One that will never forget me. He loves me. He sees me where I am. He knows where I am going.
Same with you! Trust Him.
unsettledness was ever-so present. I counted down the days until her return. To help me and I shared with her, I installed a timer app on my phone, I still use it. My coping mechanism, as it keeps track so my mind can be somewhat at ease of not counting. With this, I can just look at the time, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, cry if I need to and move forward. Technology in this sense shows me I made it, some days were rough and have been, but I was and I am moving forward. It’s what works for you to bring calmness.
The pen she holds that just made notes about me in her file because of the connection between us.
How sad it is to consider that a little girl, now older woman still clings to such. What happened in that little girl’s life to hold on for dear life to such objects? Maybe one day, when the Lord feels the time is right, I will know exactly why and mostly, what happened to cause such a deep root to still rear its ugly head. Abandonment in love, emotional neglect was definitely evident.
photo, these were typical of me through life and sadly still. I know the three hundred and sixty-fifth day is approaching since our last session. My grieving is present still, I acknowledge that. Will I see her again for a session? No. It is just my coping skill to get through the loss, sadness and hopefully healing as I see this pattern and know I have made it and I will make it.
If you have dealt with loss and lack of love in childhood or as an adult, you will understand me. It’s real. It’s real hard, too. Through it, you have to learn to care for yourself, re-parent yourself, get in touch with your inner child and just love and appreciate yourself. Do I have all that together? No, but I do know now what I am dealing with and what I lacked and taking one day at a time.
Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.
I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.
Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.
Just Pondering... 