Coffee First!

5423BE40-FAFA-4BFC-9825-475A6700B5D0 Shhhhh….

Don’t talk to me this morning, I’m not ready yet.  To deal with your humming or your morning voice.

Just let me be and pour my coffee to drink in solitude so I can get my act together without yours in my way.

No promises about later, I may need another cup.  Thank goodness, I don’t drink anything stronger than this.

Years of unhappiness as we are strangers under one roof, other wives would run screaming, but here we are.  E27C49BF-C9D9-41F7-BAB4-35721D8C12D4

Another day, another year, I wonder how much coffee I have had to drink.

Pour me another cup of Joe!

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Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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I’m Fine, Right?

62E5C4A9-D1C7-4AAD-A78B-C704D55FCB4C.jpegSo often we reply with the words, “I’m Fine” when in all honesty, we are far from that fact.  Still, it rolls off the tongue and for the most part and people around us don’t think anything about it and/or if it is true.  Just accepted.

As much as I try not to use this phrase, I found myself using it last week and regretting the words once I let them slip.  I knew the words were not true but came easy.  Thankfully, I have a counselor that picked up on that right away.  Knowing me too well, she called me out on it.

Realizing what I said and this discussion that came afterward, I remembered back many years ago to a time I said it moreso and was told that this phrase, ‘I’m Fine’ EB6DA888-705F-4D9D-B416-87BCBBBC6B4Dmeans another thing for others.  Which is ‘F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional’ and from that day, I limited and was cautious of using.  But I did it anyway.

Looking back, I think I was each one of those words that week and by the time meeting with my counselor, open and honest, as my true self came through.  It was a bad week and actually a peek of several weeks of being overwhelmed.  So, it appropriately fit when I said it.

Life can be too much at times.  Perhaps when you hear others say those words, pay attention, take time to listen and show you care.

I know in times past and still, I would love for somebody to just grab me and hug me.  Let me cry.  Tell me I am okay.  Sometimes we just need that.

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Unspoken Love

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How or why is it that family members do not speak of love?  To say ‘I Love You’ is hard and/or I guess embarrassing.  I have never figured this out within my own family.  It is that you just know because you know, you are family and you’re loved.  These words are not said.  How sad is that?

Even the thought of asking others in the family if they feel a void in love, is off limits.  True feelings are not discussed. This makes my heart hurt.  My heart has hurt for years of longing for the love that a child/adult should feel or have had received.

Leaving a family member today, my sister, I hugged and I did say I love you and she just looked at me.  Perhaps shocked.  I was thinking and even hoping that those words would be reciprocated but not.  I wonder if they know or feel this, too.

It took years to get this far though.  Before, for years, it was hello/goodbye and no hug so we’ve come a long way baby, as they say.

It is easier to say ‘I Love You’ to a friend than it is a family member.  Why is that?  To get a kiss on the cheek is definitely not going to happen.  I have only a few friends that give me a kiss on the cheek when leaving, along with a hug.   Those mean so much.  I hold onto those moments.

My children hug me and I cherish those hugs.  They know, too, that this Mom will ask for one more hug before they leave to go home.  It’s just expected, with a grin.  I will always hug them, kiss their cheek and say ‘I Love You’ so they will never have to guess or wonder if I do.  I do!

Never let your child(ren) leave without saying those words to them or while they are in your presence.  Hug them, pat their arm or back, as the power of touch is healing.  They need to know you love them.  They may pull away or act embarrassed, especially teenagers, but odds are they want that.

Although, if you only do this while in a drunken/drugged state, that will be a definite turnoff.  I don’t blame them, as I experienced that.  If that is the only times of love shown, it is not love.  Just plain sad.

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