As I see him leave the house, there is a spring in my step. 
I’m ready to turn up my music, flow freely through my house, sing and sometimes dance if I so desire, the cleaning becomes fun, the sound of the vacuum is like a melody, the washer and dryer hum in the background. What a nice time enjoying my home without an energy, draining vampire lurking about.
If I decide to write as I am doing now, the words flow freely and my mind is sharp. So much to do enjoying my time alone, knowing it is short lived so I cherish the moments, as it will soon end.
I don’t have to listen to his sighs and monotone voice with no joy present, as Aspergers is real and there is none to be found. I have had years to search and try to find and realize there is just none. I’m bored to tears and have been for years. I have so much to give in love and laughter but I’m done trying to go there with him. Only disappointment and sorrow swallows me up inside with nothing more to give.
Lord, there must be more, I have said so many times through the years and You heard the same today. I have come so far and know the light at the end of the tunnel is near. I’m getting impatient so please hurry this along. My age is adding numbers and my strength is becoming less. There is so much I want to do in my time left. I want happiness, I want to feel joy, I just want to have fun and laugh until it hurts. I’m at an age I feel I’ve earned the best of what life has to offer, but I’m stuck and need a few more things to line up.
Well, I need to get the clothes from the dryer and close up my freedom as soon he will be walking through the door once again. Turn the music off, put the vacuum away, gather my warm clothing to fold and put away, the singing and dancing goes on the shelf and boredom soon to develop.
Lord, there has to be more for me on this earth. I know you have had your Hand upon me and still, and I thank You with my whole heart.
Life continues in this quiet house, non-existence of a relationship under one roof with no joy to be found except what I have in my heart and I know to wait.
https://leslievernick.com/if-i-leave-im-afraid-i-will-dishonor-god/
with all our heart. Many times this is written in the Bible of Trust Me. The hope knowing He is there for us and always will be with us, brings peace. Bottom line, we are to trust Him. No if, ands, or buts about it. Trust Him!
Just with that last statement, I am sure some eyes will widen in shock and gasps of the ‘oh my’ with judgement and shameful that I don’t love the Lord. It felt wrong to do that but it was the truth. Well, guess what? He knows I was angry anyway about my situations and even with Him. He knows me, He knows my coming and my going, He knows the number of hairs on my head so it was no surprise to Him that I was and confessed that I was angry with Him. Believe it or not, I felt a deeper connection with Him after that outburst.
Several that knew what I was facing in my marriage said to leave, even a counselor. No, I can’t. I would suffer and hold on for my boys, it was best financially and even though I felt stuck and had no hope or joy, I always felt that it was not in God’s Timing to leave. I will know when it is time. Perhaps a codependency on my part, but I know to wait upon the Lord.
So I am to trust God. A couple of months ago or longer, I felt down inside that He was questioning me. The question was, Do you trust me? I heard that over and over and from experience in years past, I know He speaks to me usually repeating three times. Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Do you trust me? Well, I guess I need to trust, don’t I?
Him, doubting and delaying. Lord, was that really you? I kept hearing and to remind me, ‘Do you trust Me?’ Still, I hear those words in that question. Have I had any great miracles happen? No, but I know to be patient and wait upon the Lord. Do I trust Him? Yes! I know something is about to happen, the anticipation within, but I have no clue of when, where or what so I wait. I know how to wait and be patient, most of the time. His Timing. Always on time!
Today, I talked with a friend about his month-long stay in Florida with his wife and how much fun they had together. They have been married a good forty-five years, maybe longer, which is pretty cool. He mentioned that on their drive back home, a long twelve-hour drive, they stopped several times, of course, but he said they sang a lot. How sweet, I thought. I just love this couple and to see them enjoying retirement together. Do I know they get frustrated with one another? Yes. Normal. Still, he calls her Honey and tells her he loves her and they seem so 
sweet together. I love that in them and so wish I had that. So I do think the good of them and in most couples.
Depending upon the circumstances, there could still be hope in making it all work and enjoying life together.
Just Pondering... 