“I care for you and I love you.”
Will you even be able to grasp that? The comment made to me from my counselor of four years in our apparent exit telephone conversation. We had a nice relationship as counselor and client. How could we not? The trust in her and care and a love felt was present from one another, along with the boundaries required in this equation.
There had been times I wish we had a friendship rather than being counselor/client but knowing I needed her in that role, I was able to adapt and respect it.
Our last conversation and toward the end, those words were said to me. While I knew I loved her as my counselor, a sister-like friend, I never expected to hear that from her. It definitely took me by surprise, and I froze. Did I hear that correctly as I gasped and rehearsed in my mind? Minutes later, to hear her say lightly, “will you even grasp what I just said?” Still in shock, I did not know. I heard her say that, questioning me because she knows me so well. I did not respond because of my shock and questioning myself if I heard her correctly or did I just hope and imagine that comment. While I know she did, the surprise was shocking. I do know, and I have repeated those words almost daily if not more, I still do.
You see, I never heard those words, ‘I love you’ growing up and still in a dead marriage of almost thirty years, nothing. Always, just to expect they loved me, leaving a big void in my life. So for me to gasp and wonder if I heard her correctly, it is understandable. Sometimes my heart aches from a lack of love. That, too, would be normal to feel, a definite loss.
Deep within, I do grasp those words as I repeat them as I mentioned; but also at times I question the validity just because it is not a usual comment made to me. Love, I always have to wonder or in my case, ponder.
So many throw around the words of ‘love you’ and ‘love ya’ and while they are true, I desire sincerity. Love means more to me than a word spoken freely. With her words, I felt them and I wanted to hold onto them. I need to, in order to get through the loss.
So as I grasp the words from her or others that are sincere, I do hold onto them and it seems like I put them in a treasure chest within my heart to keep.
To hear them, to feel them is to grasp and hold onto them forever.
Be sincere with your love spoken.
practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever. It ended way too quick. Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned. I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong. Perhaps I pushed her over the edge. Yikes! I certainly hope not.
No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR. While this is funny, it is not. This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting. I just never realized how much so. It’s been an interesting ride.
I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:
Giving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.
I have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings. I need her! All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life. Help me!
Just Pondering... 