Faith

An Unexpected Place

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I am sure I am not alone and this has happened with you or someone you know. It is going to a doctor, whether a new one or just a visit, perhaps routine or having an issue. It always calls for blood work, another pill or a test that may require more tests. It’s like a spinning wheel that you cannot get off.

Exactly where I have been the past two months and today was a long day of tests. Thank God they are over. The last two CT scans were nothing. It was the first one that took an effort to plan and get to the hospital out of my area for this test. Being on the road at 6 a.m. was not something I would want to do daily. I realized there are a lot of people on the road this early, as the traffic was backed up in several places. Why aren’t they at home drinking coffee and leaving later, and out of my way?

A new hospital to me but probably better than most that I am familiar with, as it was easy to get in, park and find my department. As I looked around from my seat at the registration desk, I saw a room and figured I would be placed in one for my procedure. Nope, I was led to a big room of many reclining chairs and IV pumps. As I entered, I felt my body just stop but my mind thinking I don’t like this. Fear hit. The thoughts of knowing each empty chair, had held many people with the same fear I felt, some hopeful and some hopeless as this is their chance to keep living. I was the first to be in this empty room as the Nurse handled my records and soon starte my IV.

One by one, the chairs filled from those older than me, the same age and then a young girl, maybe mid- twenties came in with her beanie hat on, knowing there was no hair underneath it. What I did like was that most patients had a support person beside them, which shocked me due to this Covid19 restrictions. Even though, it made me happy they had one by their side to talk to or just be there. Only two of us had nobody with us.

I was okay with this, being alone, until the injection was administered slowly. I could feel the medicine injected hit me and the heat although it was cold settle right below my rib cage. Oh my, I don’t like this either. Unsure what I expected but not that feeling. Each slow push, this sensation would return. The Nurse was very attentive, as she knew the first push was an eye-opening experience for me. Here I am in a room full of others, but in this time period of her finishing my injection, nobody else mattered. I had to deal with myself. I think I finally disconnected from it all especially when the man next to me was nauseous, as I was. He had a different procedure but we both were struggling. The thought of, ‘Oh Mr. please do not get sick because I will be right behind you.’ Not a good turn of events for the Nurses or others, if so. Mentally, I had to disengage and just be still. At this point, if this did not lessen, wondering if I could even drive home, or if I would faint upon standing due to the shock.

After an hour or so, I did feel back to normal, knowing I don’t want to deal with this sensation or a room as such ever again. It was then I looked over at the young girl, with a life ahead of her that may or may not be and knowing, too, she has been through way much more than I did in those few hours. It’s those I want to take their place, as I’m old. The filled seats, the IV pumps beeping, hearing the drips of the one next to me, the aroma of medical plastic, antiseptics used and that once warm blanket now room temperature on each of our bodies, was pretty surreal.

This is what many people deal with often. No doubt their first time walking in this big room of chairs with or without people, I am sure they did not like it either and fear struck them. Thankfully the medical technology has improved so much to have this available. Many will walk in, walk out and return. Many will walk in and walk out and not return. Hopefully, for the good.

I really liked the hospital and the people. I had a great Nurse but they were all awesome with the patients and working well together. If anything, this stopped me to realize a little more of what others go through when getting chemo, dialysis, platelets, infusions, etc. To have more empathy of the patients and a deeper appreciation of the Nurses. I watched both today as an outsider looking in, from my chair in the corner, of an unexpected place.

Tunes & Tears

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment
I don't sing in the car, I perform! #UAMP #quoteoftheday #perform | Singing in the car, Inspirational quotes motivation, Singing

Once again, as I drive to work, I have a favorite song right now playing in the car and sing along trying to hit the notes that they do. I did say I was trying, but singing is definitely not my talent or desire.

On my twenty to thirty-minute drive, my mind can stay active in what needs to be done, etc., or I just get lost in the music and soon enough, I am pulling into the parking lot.

It is when my thoughts cross over to something or in this situation, someone I miss so much and the tears flow faster than I can catch as I drive. Imagining in my mind how it would be if I ran into them once again. What would I say, or would my throat close up not allowing words to be said, like a valve keeping emotions contained. How would I act, how would they respond, would we hug or with the restrictions of the Covid19, would we just wave and go on our merry way? Knowing if just a wave, my heart would be broken once again of the grief felt with this loss?

Immediately, I turn off the song to get a handle on my emotions, so my eyes are not red as they peep over my face mask. Some days, a mask with a smile for appearances only have been seen. Isn’t that true for all of us, at times? Life can be hard at times, a medical issue, fear of this crazy virus, the sadness of not seeing and being with our children, family or friends due to the pandemic. The beautiful Christmas music now playing in the background, which stirs your soul and emotions are felt.

I get frustrated at myself for even allowing those thoughts to enter my mind. Plus, the makeup I just applied, which is now off and my eyes are no doubt noticable that I had been crying from the memories they envoked.

I so miss my sweet friend. Actually, I guess she is not my friend and cannot be a friend, as it would unethically be wrong due to the fact she was my counselor for four years. Now with almost three years since our last session, how could she not be special to me and basically considered as a friend? I have done so well but perhaps with the holidays, music and colder weather or perhaps what I am dealing with, my emotions seem frail, more than I thought.

Just as in a death, this also felt like one. The four years together, sometimes once a week or twice, she was a part of my life, sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and it was all cut off immediately. That’s grief!

In grief, my parents and brother have all passed and I do think of them and if a certain song, usually or something else reminds me of them, the tears come also. Grief can come out of nowhere and knock you down for a bit with the emotions. I could have got lost in this song and cried all the way to work but I knew I had to get a handle of myself, not that I was denying my loss or sadness. I felt it but the tune to this one song, this morning, just opened up the window of sadness of my loss. I feel at times, grief of somebody you miss that is still alive is harder, as they are within reach but yet too far away.

I don’t know how either of us would react if we ran into each other. Would we hug or just wave? I don’t know but I do know it would be a joy to just cross paths once again. Even if I choke from the emotions, the closed door on my car with dark-tinted windows will allow me to let lose and cry a river. Yet again, get a grip and move forward. Feel it, acknowledge but keep moving forward.

Daggone these tunes that brings tears. Even as I write, the tears flow. Years ago, I could buck up and keep them hidden but I cannot do that anymore, as they just seem to seep out and roll quickly down my face.

Thinking back, when I first started meeting with her for counseling, and maybe for the first year actually, she knew I was holding back and would not be emotional. The hard, rebellious part of me remembers saying, “I will not cry. I will not waste my time and money in these sessions crying.”

With everything that is happening, the chaos all around the world, the virus of those that have had it or feeling as if it will get me soon, is like a dark cloud, but I think many of us are unsettled. If you have lost a loved one(s), please accept my condolences. We cannot live in fear but use wisdom in mask wearing, even if we don’t like them, wash our hands often and perhaps stay home more. We all want this to be over or at least more manageable.

So as the tunes of the Christmas music that is played or a special song that reminds you of someone, it is okay to cry. I am not as strong and rebellious as I once was, as the tears flow. I do know that in those tears of sadness I feel, I am also blessed. Blessed to have had her as a counselor for so long and to help me so much. I am blessed with many family members and friends. I also feel blessed with the ability to share my heart with you through my writings. Thank You for reading. I wish you a Merry Christmas.

Have you ever missed someone so much that even the thought of them makes you cry?

Most praise and worship songs tell that God is always there to listen and to help us. Hearing these words trigger our spirits to cry out to Him for help.

“Music is a way to connect sounds to personal memories. We often like a piece of music not because the music itself would be so moving, but because we heard that song when we felt a certain way. The music merely activates that memory and re-triggers the emotion. So no, you’re not the only one ;-).

This phenomenon is also the reason, why clubs, radio stations, Spotify playlists etc. bombard us with the same few songs over and over again: record companies try to raise their chances of you listening to one of these songs while you experience intense emotions (like your first kiss or that wonderful party at the beach with your friends). Because after that, you will pay everything to listen to this song again – sometimes these songs stay with us for our entire life! And – contrary to what we might tell ourselves – it won’t be because of the song itself, but because of the memory it triggers in us.” Matthias Orgler, 30+ years in the music business. RealWorldMusicTheory.com Quora April 21, 2018

Grief is not just about death. It’s about loss and that comes in so many forms. Learning to live with grief is a skill that takes time and patience along with the acceptance that there are things we can’t change, good memories that can comfort us in times of distress and new plans to make when we realise that plan A is no longer an option.

There is a saying that happiness is a journey and not a destination. In the same sense, grief is a pause, it’s not an ending. Be honest in those moments of great sadness and find the joy where you can in the moments that can still warm your aching heart. Grief is a description of a part of your life, it doesn’t have to be a definition. https://www.ouralteredlife.com/grief-for-the-living/

Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.

“Normally we associate “tears” with “sadness”, but there are also tears of “Joy!”

Jeremiah 31:9 Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams and on smooth paths where they will not stumble. For I am Israel’s father, and Ephraim is my oldest child. (NLT)

The Bible tells us that God keeps all our tears in a “bottle”……… Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)

Paul told Timothy…… 2 Timothy 1:3 I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day;
2 Timothy 1:4 Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy;“

If you get a chance, listen to these two. They have two CD’s, one is Christmas. Mat & Savanna Shaw, a Daddy Daughter Duet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fP8sE6H7j2s

Grouchy Pants

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Tonight, I relived yet again the sound of a flat, monotone man, reminding me of all the years with him, yes with a roll of the eyes and a cringe. It is past his bedtime and we have a cat outside, in the freezing temps, as he calls for it. When I ask a question or see of any luck, I get the dreaded sound. Like a pout, boo boo, I want my bed, I need my sleep, it is past my bedtime. Life ends at 10:00 pm in our household, that has been since from day one. The cats even have to be in and quiet. Yes, and strangely enough they are, like he has programmed them. Well, so am I programmed basically.

Many women, wives, that I have had the opportunity to share a group for wives of Aspergers spouses, I hear this so often. The look, the voice, nothing but a stare. We are left to manage or figure out things and take care of matters. Knowing I am not alone in this endeavor feels good, as this has only been available to me the past six years. The previous twenty-nine years, I dealt with it, learn to despise and finally to the point of it all making me feel completely crazy. Thank God I had a counselor that pinpointed what was happening and what I was dealing with.

Many do not know about Aspergers or understand. I did not until 2014, which turned on a light in my dark, lonely tunnel I was living in. There is so much to this and the routine of it all, is amazing, especially with mine. Meeting or socializing can only be maintained in short periods and then a shutdown, which is typical in most. Whether it be with me, kids, his parents, company or whoever and I am left holding the conversation or visit, if it is bedtime or a ritual that is set.

So much. So much flooded my mind as I opened the door. Why did I even do that? Closing it, on the grouchy pants outside, he is just that, especially after his bedtime.

Thinking back of when we had kids and those teenage years when boys are just being boys, that did not go over well. Many times, I am sitting with them as their dad appears at the door to remind them to be quiet. I, too, as his wife and their mother was in trouble. I understand respect of being quiet at bedtime but not putting the fear of him on our kids, and me. No.

Try having a newborn and keeping it quiet after 10:00 pm. Not possible. The only thing was to go in the other room and tend to this beautiful child by holding him close to nurse and both of us falling asleep on the couch night after night, for months, if not a year. He did not care. He needed his sleep uninterrupted, just as he is today.

I wonder how he will be when he is older. Actually, I do not want to know. Jokingly, I have told him that if he even gets like his dad, I will put his butt in a nursing home. He thinks I am kidding.

So the grouchy pants of him has now made me grouchy thinking back of all the years I have dealt with this. Oh the stories I could tell. This story is yet to be continued but it repeats itself, day after day.

Here is some information that you or another may find helpful.

https://www.millcreekbehavioralhealth.com/development-disorders/aspergers/symptoms-signs-causes/