I stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be. As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here! I knew something was not right.
How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.
In life we mess up, we fail, our walk is not perfect, disappointment in ourselves and others, etc. In those times, we want to hide and keep the door shut to those around us and ignore life or what happens in our world. The point of depression and isolation can come and knock us for a loop and unsure how to get out of this tailspin.
While I understand his predicament, I also have been there many times. In all of this, the guilt will hit me and the enemy is quick to accuse me that it is my fault. My fault because he is like me, I was and am a terrible mother and fill in the 
blanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often. Lies and fear must go.
My former counselor calls that rewiring your brain, too. We need to flip our thoughts to the positive. In my case with my son and the lies, etc., it is putting Satan in his place and acknowledging that the Lord is in control of this situation. Until next time and I’ll do the same. Back off! A spiritual warfare on my behalf and definitely for my son.
Just like God, He will not give up on you, me, us. He will patiently stand at the door and knock; awaiting for the door to open and for us to acknowledge Him. The love of a mother for her child is deep but He loves us so much more.
My present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate. I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking. The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay. I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.
How great it is that He will never leave nor forsake us. He awaits to hear us call upon Him. He loves me. He loves you. ❤️
All I can gather is that the emotional toil on my life has zapped me more than I thought. The past two months of losses with animals, loved ones, turmoil with my child of worry and the unknown of what is before me. Exhaustion with it all plus the heat and humidity where I live has caused a lack of energy. Giving myself grace instead of feeling all down, depressed and lazy is a big step for me though. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. It’s okay to have some up and down days, too.
Instead of yearning for the motherly hugs from motherly figures around me or even from my counselor, which she gave me often upon leaving our session due to knowing my heart and feeling my basic heartache, I have turned more to the Lord. Lord, hold me through this or I need your loving arms to wrap around me. I need you. Hold me tight, don’t let go. Perhaps learning while knowing, that was what He wanted from me anyway, which was to turn toward Him and allow His Love to fill my heart void of love. No other can fill that void.
People, whether, friends, family, church, even counselors, etc., will let us down and hurt us. Normal. Our focus should be on God and know that He truly loves each one of us. To truly grasp that from one growing up feeling unloved, just existing, and love not shown, it is easy to question. Also normal.
Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.
Just Pondering... 