Anxiety – Page 24 – Just Pondering…

Lonely Child

July 5, 2019ponderingmissylou2 Comments

It absolutely drives me crazy that I continue on this path in life and I want it to STOP. Emotional exhaustion.

All my life, I have been focused on others, usually a mother figure, and knew that it was because my mother and I were not close. Mom was mom, I knew I was her daughter but no love expressed or shown, only one hug in my life that I remember. Sad, so sad.

I would always connect well with older adults, men or women, as I welcomed their advice and direction. It’s with those that showed me care and concern though, the motherly women figures, I became attached. I want more of their time, their advice and above all the care they gave me, the hugs. This pattern continued over and over until time passed or I was hurt by something in the relationship and my view of them became disillusioned.

Realizing the same thing did exist and still of my former counselor. Transference. According to what I have read, transference is typical and actually normal as it causes the client to relate with the counselor, as there is a trust that is built, which is what is needed in a therapeutic environment. I get that but did not want this to happen yet again but it did.

Thankfully, before she left her practice, we discussed my pattern in life many times and how this affected me. I am unsure with her leaving, if she realized that I would struggle as much as I have. I do. Probably so, as she knew me quite well. I really get tired of this and thoughts that continue though. Nothing bad, nothing sexual but thoughts of I wish I could talk to her as I am unsure about this or that, questioning if she even thinks of me or remembers me now, hope I run into her, etc. Make it stop. Make this pattern stop. Frustration of this seems to be a daily task, feeling the loss of an emotional attachment, the grief that is felt but more-so the abandonment yet again in my life, feeling lost in the I need you, I don’t know what to do, etc. Normal. Being a child not receiving the care and concern, this pattern exists, like it or not.

Tonight as I did some research and found some links, I was amazed that I am not alone. This is way normal for many. Go figure. Here I thought something was wrong with me and that, too, is a normal response to this pattern. What is wrong with me, besides of feeling somewhat obsessed is the fact I did not get the love I needed as a young child and this enabled coping skills for me by seeking out those that will care and love me.

These websites gave some tips on how to stop this, usually in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation but can be interchanged also. The link below is a post from Obsessed with the counselor’s reply. Obsessed could be me writing this and I had to actually question if it was me but the date it was written was too early in our counseling together. I understood Obsessed.

Also recommended that further thought be made as to when this all started in youth and examine this pattern. Acknowledge this and to not ignore the thoughts and feelings. To be and feel the attachment and have the fear of abandonment is rooted here besides childhood emotional neglect that I have mentioned before in my writings. I get that but finding that root has been exasperating but I am determined to be healed in this area. I’m tired.

Life is interesting. It’s hard at times. I have learned through this and other areas within counseling and research that knowing I am not alone, healing begins and I adapt better.

Just knowing I am not alone. It’s like a gift.

This is an area that in between counseling sessions, it is our due diligence to do further research to help ourselves. Counseling sessions end after fifty minutes or so but can continue if you desire.

Learning more on transference and reading of others experiencing the same tonight, this was on my timetable and free plus nice to know I am normal. Normal due to my situation. Adult problems are childhood issues.

While I miss her as my counselor of four years, I probably will continue to think of her but maybe now not as much and have input how to help me overcome this pattern. I know this is an area I have dealt with most of my life so I will struggle at times, with God’s Grace I will get through this. No matter, I wish and pray the best for her. I was blessed to have had her in my life and she will always be a part of my testimony. Many times, I wish she would read my writings as she brought me to this point. Although I hurt emotionally at times, I am not in the pit of hopelessness I was four years ago walking through her door.

My hope one day is that I can stand on a platform telling my testimony of emotional healing and God’s Grace upon my life through troubles and trials with her joining me to my right, holding her hand up in appreciation and praise to God. God knows the desires of my heart and maybe one day this will come to pass. I have hope.

Most important is that only the Lord can fill the void within us with His Love. ❤️

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/help-i-cant-stop-thinking-about-my-therapist

Despondent

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself. I understand the wall and isolation. I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues. I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be. Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he? I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through. Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147 Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

It’s So Me!

June 22, 2019June 22, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

D2B8CE0C-1924-4D86-B084-6D5067FE9EDC Years have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?

All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.

I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.

Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize. I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape. I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal. I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her. I hid the best I could. I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.

While this video is funny, it is sad. They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral. It will always be out there to haunt them.

It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job. I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed. Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks. So that meant missing practice. Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine. In my thinking, my devotion of that for her. Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off. Today, when I hear that song, I cringe. I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl. In my case, no confidence at all. I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.

Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago. I let it hinder me. Realizing shame was to blame. Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.

Who cares. No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget. Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.

I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.

Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.

To watch the video, click on the link below. I promise you, laughter will occur.

Dancing 5-Year-Old Steals Show At Pre-School Graduation And The Video Has Made Millions Smile