Years have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?
All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.
Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.
I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.
Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize. I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape. I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal. I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her. I hid the best I could. I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.
While this video is funny, it is sad. They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral. It will always be out there to haunt them.
It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job. I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed. Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks. So that meant missing practice. Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine. In my thinking, my devotion of that for her. Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off. Today, when I hear that song, I cringe. I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl. In my case, no confidence at all. I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.
Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago. I let it hinder me. Realizing shame was to blame. Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.
Who cares. No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget. Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.
I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.
Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.
To watch the video, click on the link below. I promise you, laughter will occur.