Once again, as I drive to work, I have a favorite song right now playing in the car and sing along trying to hit the notes that they do. I did say I was trying, but singing is definitely not my talent or desire.
On my twenty to thirty-minute drive, my mind can stay active in what needs to be done, etc., or I just get lost in the music and soon enough, I am pulling into the parking lot.
It is when my thoughts cross over to something or in this situation, someone I miss so much and the tears flow faster than I can catch as I drive. Imagining in my mind how it would be if I ran into them once again. What would I say, or would my throat close up not allowing words to be said, like a valve keeping emotions contained. How would I act, how would they respond, would we hug or with the restrictions of the Covid19, would we just wave and go on our merry way? Knowing if just a wave, my heart would be broken once again of the grief felt with this loss?
Immediately, I turn off the song to get a handle on my emotions, so my eyes are not red as they peep over my face mask. Some days, a mask with a smile for appearances only have been seen. Isn’t that true for all of us, at times? Life can be hard at times, a medical issue, fear of this crazy virus, the sadness of not seeing and being with our children, family or friends due to the pandemic. The beautiful Christmas music now playing in the background, which stirs your soul and emotions are felt.
I get frustrated at myself for even allowing those thoughts to enter my mind. Plus, the makeup I just applied, which is now off and my eyes are no doubt noticable that I had been crying from the memories they envoked.
I so miss my sweet friend. Actually, I guess she is not my friend and cannot be a friend, as it would unethically be wrong due to the fact she was my counselor for four years. Now with almost three years since our last session, how could she not be special to me and basically considered as a friend? I have done so well but perhaps with the holidays, music and colder weather or perhaps what I am dealing with, my emotions seem frail, more than I thought.
Just as in a death, this also felt like one. The four years together, sometimes once a week or twice, she was a part of my life, sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and it was all cut off immediately. That’s grief!
In grief, my parents and brother have all passed and I do think of them and if a certain song, usually or something else reminds me of them, the tears come also. Grief can come out of nowhere and knock you down for a bit with the emotions. I could have got lost in this song and cried all the way to work but I knew I had to get a handle of myself, not that I was denying my loss or sadness. I felt it but the tune to this one song, this morning, just opened up the window of sadness of my loss. I feel at times, grief of somebody you miss that is still alive is harder, as they are within reach but yet too far away.
I don’t know how either of us would react if we ran into each other. Would we hug or just wave? I don’t know but I do know it would be a joy to just cross paths once again. Even if I choke from the emotions, the closed door on my car with dark-tinted windows will allow me to let lose and cry a river. Yet again, get a grip and move forward. Feel it, acknowledge but keep moving forward.
Daggone these tunes that brings tears. Even as I write, the tears flow. Years ago, I could buck up and keep them hidden but I cannot do that anymore, as they just seem to seep out and roll quickly down my face.
Thinking back, when I first started meeting with her for counseling, and maybe for the first year actually, she knew I was holding back and would not be emotional. The hard, rebellious part of me remembers saying, “I will not cry. I will not waste my time and money in these sessions crying.”
With everything that is happening, the chaos all around the world, the virus of those that have had it or feeling as if it will get me soon, is like a dark cloud, but I think many of us are unsettled. If you have lost a loved one(s), please accept my condolences. We cannot live in fear but use wisdom in mask wearing, even if we don’t like them, wash our hands often and perhaps stay home more. We all want this to be over or at least more manageable.
So as the tunes of the Christmas music that is played or a special song that reminds you of someone, it is okay to cry. I am not as strong and rebellious as I once was, as the tears flow. I do know that in those tears of sadness I feel, I am also blessed. Blessed to have had her as a counselor for so long and to help me so much. I am blessed with many family members and friends. I also feel blessed with the ability to share my heart with you through my writings. Thank You for reading. I wish you a Merry Christmas.
Have you ever missed someone so much that even the thought of them makes you cry?
Most praise and worship songs tell that God is always there to listen and to help us. Hearing these words trigger our spirits to cry out to Him for help.
“Music is a way to connect sounds to personal memories. We often like a piece of music not because the music itself would be so moving, but because we heard that song when we felt a certain way. The music merely activates that memory and re-triggers the emotion. So no, you’re not the only one ;-).
This phenomenon is also the reason, why clubs, radio stations, Spotify playlists etc. bombard us with the same few songs over and over again: record companies try to raise their chances of you listening to one of these songs while you experience intense emotions (like your first kiss or that wonderful party at the beach with your friends). Because after that, you will pay everything to listen to this song again – sometimes these songs stay with us for our entire life! And – contrary to what we might tell ourselves – it won’t be because of the song itself, but because of the memory it triggers in us.” Matthias Orgler, 30+ years in the music business. RealWorldMusicTheory.com Quora April 21, 2018
Grief is not just about death. It’s about loss and that comes in so many forms. Learning to live with grief is a skill that takes time and patience along with the acceptance that there are things we can’t change, good memories that can comfort us in times of distress and new plans to make when we realise that plan A is no longer an option.
There is a saying that happiness is a journey and not a destination. In the same sense, grief is a pause, it’s not an ending. Be honest in those moments of great sadness and find the joy where you can in the moments that can still warm your aching heart. Grief is a description of a part of your life, it doesn’t have to be a definition. https://www.ouralteredlife.com/grief-for-the-living/
Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.
“Normally we associate “tears” with “sadness”, but there are also tears of “Joy!”
Jeremiah 31:9 Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams and on smooth paths where they will not stumble. For I am Israel’s father, and Ephraim is my oldest child. (NLT)
The Bible tells us that God keeps all our tears in a “bottle”……… Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)
Paul told Timothy…… 2 Timothy 1:3 I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day;
2 Timothy 1:4 Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy;“
If you get a chance, listen to these two. They have two CD’s, one is Christmas. Mat & Savanna Shaw, a Daddy Daughter Duet
accent pillow brought me a peace, like comfort at home.
though? As it is just a pillow. I may never know.
to have and for many to sign. I have it still, of course, safely packed away with my other treasures from youth. Many wrote in my book but because my fifth grade teacher signed it, I wrote about her, too, but to say I was special to her, made that book like gold to me (The Light is On). I cannot get rid of that. Maybe I have just been a sentimental old soul all these years.
I remember this one counseling session, right before she was to leave for a two-week vacation. I hated her vacations although I understood she needed time away like we all do. Still, I was a mess due to the abandonment issues in my life. Two weeks felt like two years. It was this one session, I was aware now of a transitional item, a thing to help such individuals, as myself, adapt through a separation period. It for one is embarrassing, to realize and admit this is an issue when an adult but we worked through it. I had to but I did not like it. I remember saying to her, as I am sitting on the sofa, next to the pretty pillow, as she is in her chair taking notes, but before I left, I told her that I wanted her ink pen and explained why. The pen was held by her hand, writing notes about me while she is listening to me. I wanted that pen. Maybe a quick note was jotted down at that point… crazy.
Just Pondering... 