So Far Away

65490DC3-452C-45F7-AD65-26E398698941There is nothing more upsetting than a phone call at 3:17 a.m. answering and hearing your son crying uncontrollably.  Asking what is wrong?  Are you okay? Where are you? Trying to remain calm in order to calm him and his mind but inside I am a total, emotional mess. The sobbing is lessening but he is still crying and expressing what he is going through. Working out of town and being almost three hours away.

Do I jump in my car and go to him or do I talk him through the night until he regains control, which I did for two hours. Finally, he sounds like my son again and getting a grip from being overwhelmed with life upon his shoulders, tiredness and hungry.

I prayed for him as he cried, we discussed how this is when he needs to call out upon the Lord. Reminding him of God’s love.4F868FBC-6E7F-4427-82F3-42DEF5B8006C

We talked about everything imaginable in order to redirect his thoughts and emotions in order to drive home safely. His awareness of the Lord was definitely there and has been.

He was telling me that earlier in the day, driving to the event he was working, there was a wreck in front of him. A semi and a car ahead of him, the car rolled over. This scene has played in his mind since, seeing the girl in the car. He did not stop to help. The regrets were tugging at his heart since but also knowing he was just feet from being involved, too, as his car skidded but then straightened and moved out of the way. The fear that was felt seeing a semi headed in your direction but then control of the car happened. Son, please recognize that was the Hand of God, and he knew it. He regrets that he did not help the girl and pray with her. This whole accident right before his eyes will haunt him for a bit if not longer, as it replays in his mind. It was traumatic as it would anyone.

123CDAA3-91F5-4F89-AC41-00F76C3413F2Now thinking back of it all and how he was afraid to drive home. Not only fear but shock. While working, he had to focus on his job and was with others, but afterward and alone, it was all when it all hit by feeling it was all unreal but knowing it was real.

Hearing what he was telling me, it definitely could have been worse. I had to deal with my own panic and fear knowing how close he was to this accident. I’ll take my son crying uncontrollably three hours away, as I thank God for keeping him safe.

He was open to hear me pray, thanked me for being his mother, a shining light to him and everything a mom wants to hear but not in this manner and or distance between us. I want my boy! My arms cannot reach him but God’s arms are around him. I, too, must trust Him at this time.

Just this past week, in a job he was filming, I thought to myself, that this is not an ordinary job but was orchestrated by the Lord.  There has always been a calling  of God on his life, he knows it.D0074098-EB99-4F90-8242-C5139FC4C38E

As he sits in the empty parking lot, looking at the stars of which we also discussed, I told him this is a great time to surrender his life to the Lord, He’s calling.

I had my bags packed to travel the three hours, if need be. Myself praying for direction, what am I to do Lord? Do I go, do I stay?  I’m here, waiting for his check-ins every thirty miles, as he is together enough to drive. There is no rest until I know he pulls his car in his driveway and calls to say, Mom, I’m home.

As you read my blog, this one especially, as I have shared others blogs about my son, would you please say a prayer for him? Thank You! ✝️



47092C98-819F-4153-B630-1B8876B32648The memories and thoughts that surfaced in a conversation between my counselor and I were some I would have rather forgotten. Still, they are part of my journey and knowing they always will be.  As I squinched my eyes, shaking my head somewhat of trying to remember but not wanting to remember also, all the while. Regrets of those days being young and stupid. Odds are, we all have those remembrances and regrets. Please tell me I am not alone.A1D8FBA5-BD0D-439B-A0AD-69A7007128EA

Some of these thoughts and memories spoken in our conversation were like thirty-five years ago or more. Of course, some were not even touched upon thankfully but my mind did and a dread was felt within at the time in session, afterward on my drive home and as I write.

In those thoughts and the heaped-up guilt and shame made their appearances to me. Guilt and shame love me and would love to swallow me up whole, spit me out and do it again. Satan has a way of making one feel so unworthy and so underserving of God’s Love. The lies thrown at me were like darts to a dartboard for a bit of being a no-good-for nothing person on the face of this earth and I should be ashamed of what I did back then, I am not a Christian as I profess, no wonder my family disliked me and well, you get the picture.

Thankfully, I knew enough of his tactics and how the game goes of making me want to crawl back into the hole of despair and depression. I do have a few years under my belt of this mental torment plus years of counseling in how to counteract the negative, which I did.687D7D8D-7CB6-41AA-9D6F-80E611C2AE14

I am stronger today in all areas, as I chose to be in order to move forward. I was stuck way too long dealing with the belief of the unworthiness. Exactly, where the enemy wants me, and even you.

Yes, I did some things I regret and am sorry I did and hate that I did, but I did. Life! Forgiveness of others involved is important but also forgiving ourselves is a must. We learn from such incidents and situations hopefully and in my case, I did. Not a life I 968A38BB-9BAA-4986-A741-1ECE6AF3D441wanted to live but in those years I learned that it was not really living, it was running. Running from God. I knew better and I knew He had His Hand upon me from childhood. Even though I was not taught of God’s Love at home, apparently the Vacation Bible School teaching each summer stuck with me plus the many Christians in my path to lead and direct me. So thankful and blessed.

We are all non-deserving of God’s Love but He gives it freely. He gave His all, His life for us to live. So in that, I know that I am worthy and I am worthy of His Love, you also. It took me a very long time to accept that deep within.6128B30C-0CE1-478F-BEEC-21B2F393E74F

Yes, the past memories and thoughts that were mentioned caused some turmoil within but it also brought me to a place of praise. I am not there anymore and I have been forgiven. Trust Him.


“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.Isaiah 43:18-19.