Lord, what is happening?

For years upon years, I had been so hurt, accused, lied about and lied to, betrayed, and it came to a point that I totally shut down, became a hermit, isolated myself besides going to work.

I had always been a strong, independent individual because I had to be but it came to a point, I doubted my very being.  Who am I?  Maybe I am bad and everything said about me was true, but I tried and did what I felt what was right in God’s eyes.  Realizing Satan was successful in his plan to isolate me, and I was too weak to fight.

I quit a lot of social events, made excuse after excuse of not attending church, changed jobs because of stress of the one and with that it was as if I was walking blindly into the new job, questioning that, too.  With that move, it was a God thing!

So many things started to line up and I felt I was getting stronger but needed a push, which was when I started with my counselor.  I did not make that decision in haste but with prayer, research of many and of her and more prayer.

As we discussed and as time went on, my isolation became less and it was nice to feel life once again. The door of the dark despair of isolation was opened.

Here I am again though but a different type of isolation.

Now, it seems like everyone is leaving me.  Two of my best friends moved out of state.  Now who am I going to meet for lunch or shop with?  My counselor took a leave of absence and may or may not return so I really feel lost, my office moves in an office area of being off the beaten path in a large building and seeing nobody for hours on end and not to forget, there are no windows.  Where is everyone?

Leaving work one night, yes at night because I am so alone in there and no windows, I lose track of time.  I realized I am yet again isolated.  It kind of stopped me in my tracks, questioning the Lord what is up with this.

I get a grip and my wings start to flutter from being in a cocoon for so long and yet I feel as though I am back in it, kicking and pushing through the emotions and fear but yet there is peace.

Sometimes I feel we are alone to put our focus totally on the Lord, and I understand that and I am doing just that although I fail.   What is the purpose of this aloneness and walking alone?  There a lost, blind feeling in my steps right now.

Perhaps He is carrying me yet again.  I have to hope for just that as I did years ago.

I will not give up and if you are in this journey, too, don’t give up.  He knows who you are (I am) and He knows where you are (I am) going.   There is hope.  Trust Him.

Sometimes it is easier said than done.

Seasons of being alone and isolated can actually bring about a lot of spiritual growth.  I welcome that.