Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me.

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…