Faith

Tomato Patch

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I absolutely love this time of the year when garden fruits and vegetables are available. Weekly, my stop on the way home, I get tomatoes especially as they are such a delight to have whenever, for breakfast, lunch or dinner. This year, the watermelons have been extremely good and I really don’t like watermelon. What’s up with that?

Whenever I visit my oldest sister who lives about four hours away, she is sixteen years older,. I usually travel with our other sister so we can all visit, now she is nine years older than me. It is always a great time of being together. Altogether, I have three sisters. Our other sister lives in North Carolina so we do not see her as often, and she is seven years older than me. I was the last, an oops, the baby of the family, and they all, with brothers included, one especially, made me know just that. Such warmth of love expressed from their jealousy of me.

As I am standing at my kitchen counter peeling my tomato to enjoy, each time, I always think of my oldest sister, with me standing at her kitchen counter those many years ago. When we visit, we eat, of course, and there is always a tomato to peel and slice for meals. We help her when we visit for those few days and it is fun. In that, I learned early on in our visits that she does not like the way I peel ‘her’ tomatoes. So this task now belongs to my other sister. Makes no difference to me but I know she would not say a word to her if not pleased. Whatever! I know, too, she would prefer to do the cooking and all with us not in her way in her kitchen. I understand that, I feel the same, and odds are we are most like that. Get out of my kitchen. This lady can cook and I tell her she could make dirt taste good. So, I back off and wait, as I don’t want to get in the way. I hate that feeling of being in the way, sadly a place I have been all my life.

I am usually on dish duty, which is fine but even with that I feel it does not measure up to her standards or she says she does not want me to get my nails messed up because I wear polish. I explain the gel type of nail polish and I will be fine. At times with such instances, when younger, feeling that I cannot do anything good enough, which in turn making me feel I am not good enough. Still. Thankfully, I did not ever feel unwanted. I know she loves me, always glad to see me, plus she is old enough to be my mother.

Now back to our sister that is peeling the tomato, she is not one to cook but thinks she can. Shhhh. I watch and wonder why she gets to peel and slice the tomatoes but I can’t. I do not even attempt to put forth an effort in that area while visiting. I remember for a long time, I quit trying to peel even my own tomatoes but just sliced, because I was told I did it wrong, I was a failure in this task.

One thing from that situation, I do know how to peel and slice and do quite well, as I have perfected my technique. Plus, I hate to eat the peeling on the tomatoes. Cutting the tomato yesterday, made me think back many years ago when I took offense of her taking this task away from me. Often questioning if I will ever please her (or anybody for that matter). Perfectionism had to be conquered, even with a tomato.

Our sister that is not with us due to distance, she is a good cook. Sadly, they really don’t know me enough, perhaps due to the age differences. I can cook, well I used to cook a lot but baking was always my favorite. Homemade yeast rolls, cookies, cakes, etc. I could throw a party like nobody’s business. They did not see me in this light. If I had a home party such as Home Interiors or whatever, I did not just serve finger sandwiches and cookies but a full meal. It was fun. When I worked at the funeral home, we would have a memorial service for those that lost ones during the year at the holidays. I loved this time and I made sure it was a plentiful, beautiful presentation of food. I have also made fruit and vegetable trays for people, which I enjoyed. My sisters don’t know that about me.

In all of that thinking while peeling ‘my’ tomato, I have tried to be a perfectionist in life and wanted perfection from others. Give your 100% if not more. Does it really matter though? We can all stand to learn and do better, sure, but if I peel my tomato one way and you peel it another way, it gets done in the end. Of course, learning to not waste is good and trust me, I could show my sister a trick, but I don’t dare even try.

Along with this somewhat, years ago when working in our church office, they hired a church administrator to oversee everything. This one day, I was typing a report or a letter and he came behind my desk and wanted me to use his way. I let him show me. He liked to use the symbol in between the paragraphs and show each line, etc. It made my report so busy looking that anxiety was happening within me. I realized, I have done this job long enough without the symbol to show me how many lines, etc., so I stopped. He may be in charge of the church grounds and departments but do not micromanage my reports or typing abilities. I felt competent in my work and so did the Pastor, then and in previous years, still. As an update, this administrator was not with the church very long. I guess he micromanaged the wrong one.

Years later, at my present office job, about ten years ago, I was training my assistant. I showed her how to do this one task. I did it one way and she said she always did it this way, but same result. Isn’t it funny how things stay in our mind and return? Cutting the tomato yesterday, it made me think back through the years when I took offense of my sister taking this task away from me, then the administrator correcting me feeling as though I was not doing it perfectly, which in turn made me feel not perfect. I am unsure why people feel that they can do this to me and I don’t dare do it or say anything to them. Just let it go, not worth my time and energy was often my thought pattern. Still, it hurts. As I was training, I remember my comment to her with, “Hey, if it works go for it with what you feel comfortable with doing as long as we get the end result.” Teach, be patient but do not make one feel incompetent or as a failure. I am sure I have failed in this area many times through the years, but I do try and be aware and to be patient.

I was thinking, of my oldest son when he was young and wanting to learn how to tie his shoes. We tried over and over again but one day he ran in the house all excited to say he could tie his shoes. Of course, he wanted to show me and I wanted to watch. He did just that, he tied his shoes. Nothing like I was showing him or how we tie our shoes but…he got the same result. ‘Well, there you go son, you did it.’ He was so proud and I was proud of him, even if different, same result. I still hear about this and we laugh. ‘Mom, why did you let me do it this way?’ ‘Son, because it worked for you.’

I never put two and two together until my former counselor brought the perfectionism up and it brought clarity to my life. So this is why I do this or did that in my life. Perfectionism. Perfection becomes a way to gain acceptance, love, and praise. This is what I wanted and needed from others.

“Bask in the glory of God’s love and for accepting your worthiness rather than trying to earn it by being perfect!”

https://focusoncampus.org/content/the-tyranny-of-perfectionism-and-6-ways-to-conquer-it

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

https://www.cleverism.com/37-inspirational-quotes-to-conquer-any-negativity-in-your-life/

The root of perfectionism is believing your self-worth is based on your achievements. Many perfectionists grew up with unrealistic expectations from parents, caretakers and/or themselves. Perfectionismis encouraged in some families. Sometimes parents knowingly or unknowingly establish perfection as the standard.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2015/12/what-causes-perfectionism/

Take the quiz: https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/quiz/perfectionist-quiz/

Just as a side note, I really dislike this new WP format. I feel defeated and like a rotten tomato. Ugh! The perfectionism is being pushed to its limits within me. I really am trying. 🍅

Woman at the Tree

ponderingmissylou3 Comments

Have you ever stopped and noticed an image in wood grain of a door, in various paintings or other inanimate objects? I’m sure you have at some point in your life, you have done just that with clouds. It’s fun and is actually relaxing.

I have lived in the present house for twenty years now. It’s an older house and actually it belong to my parents so I grew up in this house, too. The yard is about an acre, not too big and not too small although as we get older, it seems to get bigger and be more than we prefer to deal with.

The back yard was full of trees and bushes when my parents moved in, back in 1964 and was thinned out. When we bought it in 1999, we took out trees also. There is this one big maple tree in the middle of our back yard. This tree after all of these years still provides shade and perfect where it is, but I have recently noticed a figure of a body in the trunk of it, a full body. As I stand at my kitchen window doing dishes or just looking out and watching the birds, I look at this tree and realized it is a body of a woman. I felt she deserved a name, which is Tree-na, of course.

Apparently, I need to get out more. Throughout this pandemic, this has been fun to view and get lost in the imagination of the tree. Why have I not seen this before?

Do you see her? Her head is tilted down, my opinion. Once the weather is cooler, my intention is to give the body an outline with paint and color to enjoy even more and it will be a definite conversation piece. Perhaps a fright to some, which makes it even more fun. 

If all of these years living here and being in this house, looking out into the back yard, from childhood basically, this woman in the tree never stood out to me. Now though it is one of those things, I cannot unsee. I wonder, how much more do I not see around me or in front of me, wherever I go. Lord, open my (our) eyes.

This year has been a year that none of us will forget as we shake our heads in disbelief of the chaos, confusion and fear. I wonder the same, how much more I do not see around me or in front of me, wherever I go. Lord, I (we) need your discernment and protection.

“Open my eyes, that I may behold wonderful things from your law.” Psalm 119:18

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12

https://www.buzzfeed.com/christopherhudspeth/pareidolia-quiz

Pareidolia was at one time considered a symptom of human psychosis, but it is now seen as a normal human tendency. Pareidolia is not confined to humans. Scientists have for years taught computers to use visual clues to “see” faces and other images.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/illusions-delusions-and-reality/201902/mind-controlled-motion-perception

I Am A Robot

ponderingmissylou1 Comment

Why do I even try to talk to this man? I ask myself that after I kick myself for even trying, each time. No matter what comment I make, I get a blank stare, eyes don’t blink and I hear, What? Let’s not forget the lack of facial expressions, there is no joy… ever.

At times I say never mind when he says “What” and then at times I repeat what I had just said but in a slow robotic voice. Simple or detailed, it does not matter. If I say it slow enough and make my point quick, it will be repeated back to me (insert banging head against the wall, here).

The processing of his mind is on slo-mo with me. Frustration to the max. Overwhelmed on his end and zoned out, even with small sentences I may say. So why do I even think I have a chance of having a conversation with this stranger that I married. How is it that he can work, be involved with work calls and process but completely, and totally braindead with me? Perhaps it is the routine, coding and the numbers in the details of his job that makes this man tick. Actually, it is. 

A suggestion from a counselor many years ago to hang a keyboard around my neck to spark life into this man. Trust me, I considered such but knew I would get that blank stare of confusion from his beady eyes, as he processes why I have a keyboard hanging around my neck, wearing nothing else. Forget that, in order to seduce him. He would not get it although wonder if the keyboard was an old one not used or if I took it from his desk. What spark? Fizzle!

My energy is depleted after all of these years to even try to communicate, forget the other. Different wavelengths, different floors, different life.

Explaining this life of mine to counselors up until recently was like unlocking my own padded cell to walk in and throw away the keys. They did not understand but advising me to leave. I could not in my right mind, of what was left of it, to leave our boys in his care. As they grew up and to be in their teenage years, they would run this man over and he would not see it coming or care. What? I had to stick it out and deal with the craziness it brought between the both of us and the grieving of a marriage that I will never have with this man, just a business partner. 

The boys were finally in college, empty nesters we were, existing under one roof. At this point, I was beaten down to nothing left within me to fight. It felt as though I could only mumble, “Lord, please help me” in desperation. Thinking, “Lord, I know you know my name and I know you know where I am.” Otherwise, I was slowly dying within. 

I knew I had to get an upper hand on my life and for living if I was to survive. Little by little, progress but healing of my spirit, soul and body was needed to take place. I decided in 2014 after having a major surgery and hearing cancer but it was found early, I think gave me the push I needed. I was going to give it one more shot with a counselor. Otherwise, I am done, stick a fork in me. 

After much research, narrowing my choice of counselors down to two, I kept returning to one and that one, I made contact to meet.  First meeting, I will never forget sitting down and looking at this woman and saying when she asked why I was there, which was “I think I am going crazy.”

You cannot tell me that the Lord did not put her in my path for this period in my life. The first three months, as we began to know one another, with me describing what this life and marriage was and is like, she had a clue. I was unsure, thinking it was a child issue, which was Aspergers (AS). How could that be? Still, she was convincing enough that this truly described this man. I began my research on Aspergers. This explains the craziness I was experiencing. Finally, I had a spark of hope, at least. 

I found one book that seemed like a good fit for me to read and that I did. I underlined, marked it up with highlights and made notes all throughout this book. It looked like my Bible, all marked up, etc. Actually, this book felt like a Bible to me in the sense of describing this man that I married in 1989.

The lightbulb moment and understanding the craziness I have felt and relief that I am not crazy.  Although, at times those thoughts come and I still wonder. I will not let these thoughts torment me any longer. Also, understanding why he did this or that and why the ‘keyboard moments’ made no spark fly.  The spark or even trying to spark was out and done. Now, I just want to survive and get healthy within myself and I have been doing just that. He will never change and he has not and does not care to change. There is no working on us as I tried numerous times early on, only to be looked at in a blank stare. Sooner or later, you give up and get the help you need and let the other remain, as is.

Still today, even though we are still under one roof but on different floors, it works as we have our own interests and routines. There might be days that we may not see one another, or only in passing. Thank God, when we moved into this house, we remodeled the lower level as an apartment. Thinking this was for the kids the whole time, if needed when they got older, or perhaps used as an in-law suite. Never to think until just a few years ago, it was for us. Tell me that is not God. In that, back when we moved in, back in 1999, and I was planning the layout for this remodeling. I remember laying on the floor and counting how many drop ceiling tiles and brackets we would need, drywall sheets per room, etc. I had a lot of supplies delivered to the garage before even having a handyman. Crazy enough, this one handyman called me saying he never calls people but felt he needed to reach out to me. I will never forget that call and how surprised but also increasing my faith. Only the Lord knew of what I had done and what I needed. Interesting, actually mindblowing. Talk about faith increasing. It was when Bill worked and had this lower level all completed and then he asked me how I knew how much product to order that was needed. We had one box of ceiling tile left over and it was perfect to have for damage through the years. But God!

Aspergers is exhausting for the spouse. Whether it be the husband in my case or the wife. It’s a different world and the Neurotypical (NT) spouse must be a part of it. I have heard too many state the same thing in support groups. While there are some good traits, which is the only reason sanity remains, it is possible to exist. The good outweighs the bad and you feel as if you can stick it out a little longer and then there are those times when you are lucky to know your own name. Knowing early on in a relationship, there is an advantage of knowing your spouse has Aspergers. Later on, not so much. I have found that in life when we realize others deal with same circumstances, as in the Aspergers support group, we don’t feel so alone. We are not crazy. A spark of hope outweighs the monotone voice of the word, What?

https://www.spectrumrelationships.com/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/self-care-tips-for-those-married-to-someone-with-asperger-syndrome/

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2016/09/26/in-case-you-were-wondering-god-knows

If you would like to know more about Aspergers, just look up Aspergers on Google, etc., and you will find plenty. Perhaps this will help just one other spouse to know, you are not crazy.