Divorce

Christmas Angels

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

A long time ago, in a far away land. Not really, just our back yard, there was once a couple with children that found it fun to decorate outside at Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, filled with lights, beauty, happiness and joy all around.

Of course, I would want to do all sorts of decorations and it was so pretty. I wanted my boys to enjoy the Christmas season. Inside, there was always a toss up with colored and white lights. My oldest and I disagreed on the lights for the living room Christmas tree. I wanted white, he wanted color. Crazy enough, now in his own home, he has white lights and now I have color. I haven’t asked, but I wonder if his wife wanted the white lights. The boy cannot win.

Presents are wrapped and some may have a small item in a big box. I have been known to put many wrapped boxes inside one another to make a big box, like those little dolls. It’s fun to buy socks and tie them together with ribbon and stuff in a paper roll. They pull and pull and pull and finally get to the end and look at me. Mom!?! They loved it, as I did. Fun! The magic of Christmas is what I wanted for them and also for me, from young to old, we need to enjoy.

The holiday season brings up memories and I remembered one the other day. I had always wanted those large white, wired angels with white lights and I finally found after searching for years, so I got two. Beautiful angels. We placed them in the front yard for a couple of years. I then had a bright idea. Since I had a big wooden Cross I used in the back yard, by our deck and lit up at Christmas, I wanted the angels to go back there also. Our yard is an acre with a slight grade that faces a two lane highway. The Cross stayed by my deck and I put both angels at the bottom of the yard, facing each other, about six feet apart (social distancing) and each had a horn, almost taller than me. With many strands of light, white lights, of course, we made a pathway open by the angels at the bottom of our yard that led up to the Cross. Another sign that said ‘One Way.’ Anyway, it was beautiful. We did this for a few years, too.

It was when working on this display one cold night, walking up the yard. I walked up the path from the angels to the Cross. It was pretty cool. Half way up our yard, I look over and my husband is on the outside of the path. Later, a few years, we had tried to work on our marriage, I think we both did. Looking over at him, it has just been like this forever, never on the same page, or same path as in this case.

It was when this path of the angels up to the Cross was mentioned to our marriage counselor at the time, of me on the inside and he is on the outside. He tells our counselor that I could have pulled him in the path. Okay, but he could have walked in the path to join me. The path was a resemblance of going to the Lord, to me. End result, neither one of us did anything to change our walk.

After that winter and counseling sessions, the two angels were never lit or used again, they stayed in the shed. The Cross was not lit although it still remained in our yard. I think now it is behind the shed, as he got tired of mowing around it. He put it away so it is probably broken down just like our marriage.

Several years ago, we had a yard sale. The angels were a part of the sale. I could have made money on these two, tall beautiful angels. Many offers were made to buy, even offers to buy out the lady who bought them, etc. I just wanted them out of my sight. To have them even out in the open, brought back memories of many years I would have rather forgotten and not lived through. The lady got a great deal. A loss for me in many ways but off they went to a new home.

The other day when driving through our neighborhood looking at Christmas decorations, I thought of the angels. This back yard scenario will always be a part of my memories or as I see others displayed, I will think of those angels we had once. The lady that bought them is within a fifteen-mile radius and she welcomed me to come see them. Thanks, but no thanks.

I do hope that the two angels bring a joy to their new home wherever they may be and to those that look at them.

The term angel literally means “messenger,” and it is in this prominent role that angels take part in the Christmas story. An angel appeared to Mary to announce the birth of Christ (Luke 1:26-38). … Understandably, images of angels have become a familiar symbol of Christmas.

 

Driving Miss Daisy

ponderingmissylou1 Comment

No doubt you have heard, ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ or have seen the cute movie. Yesterday, I was Miss Daisy and have been in the past. My husband of thirty-one years is my Uber driver for medical procedures only when required, otherwise I am on my own.

I have had my share of procedures and surgeries in my life. The medical side of it all does not phase me, I find it interesting. To know what to expect, I usually Google or YouTube to watch prior to the actual procedures. I know some are reading this and thinking, Oh No! I do. If I mention or ask questions, which I do, the doctor or dentist will look shocked. I want to know. I found myself yesterday sitting up and looking over at the instruments going to be used on me, while waiting on the team to finalize their stuff. The nurse asked if I was okay, which made me realize what I was doing. Part of me wanted to be awake to watch and learn. Although, I knew I’d rather be knocked out and I was.

As with all medical procedures, as such, no driving, no making legal decisions and recommended that someone should be home or near the day of surgery or procedure, especially. Normal stuff, right?

No matter and all through the years, I have found that my husband stinks at this requirement. The driving to and from is fine. It is the aftercare that he has no sense of what to do, even when told. It’s free time off work and off he goes to play disc golf or whatever. Yesterday was no exception. Of course, I am resting and laying low but to not even ask if I was okay, needed anything, etc., did not happen. I see him drive off into the wild blue yonder. Part of me perturbed yet again, but I’ve learned to just throw up my hands and give up. I have to be strong and push through. Don’t mess with his routine of playing disc golf, the same time, every day. I could be dead and he’d never know. The routine business of his day for him is typical of having Aspergers.

I just don’t understand him and odds are he does not understand me. Opposites attract is correct, I guess. After this length of time, neither of us care. Just drive me to and from for required circumstances and we both can go on our own way thereafter. It would just be nice to have been doted on more in my life instead of just expecting me to pick up and go, even after major surgery, of which I have done numerous times. I am woman, I am strong, I can do it all. I have had to. It gets old and I am getting old.

To write and read this and to believe he does such, just trust me. I just don’t understand and find it sad. Once, I had written down what to do and how this day of surgery was to take place for me. I thought he understood, as we discussed. It was in black and white, numbered and all he had to do was follow the steps and be at the hospital at the time of my surgery. He was not there. The surgeon allowed extra time to wait on him and then talked to me as I am there in the surgery waiting area to go through the doors of the operating room. He did not want to continue with surgery because of his absence. He was mad. I was mad but what was I to do? I told him to continue on, I was fine with going forward. I was alone before, I was alone at this point and I will always be alone. There you go. Thankfully, I always wake from anesthesia quick, and I really think the Lord knows I need to do so in order to keep things moving forward at home.

Thinking back of such incidents, telling my counselor of what I have dealt with, it seems unreal. Like my thoughts and telling my stories are lies. Unbelievable, but they are all real. Whether it be Aspergers or just a lack of common sense, I don’t know but it is what it is. Knowing where I am now, my health has and is taking a beating from the pressure. This makes me angry and to see him drive off to go play while I could use a bottle of water and a snack perhaps. I’ll go get it myself.

One thing about it, I had a ride to and a ride from the procedure, as he drove Miss Daisy.

So in all of this, not meaning to whine and have a poor me, pity party, perhaps it will wake someone up that is reading this or knows of someone similar, as to how not to treat your loved one. They are out there, whether man or woman, and clueless of what is required and needed for such medical or just day-to-day existence.

We are wired to be loved and cared for in life, especially in a relationship. Otherwise, it is very lonely and after awhile you learn to let go and not need the other so much. Sad.

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT)

https://fiercemarriage.com/presence-midst-lonely-marriage

https://drmichellebengtson.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/15-Bible-Verses-to-Assure-You-When-You-Feel-Alone-Your-RX.jpg

A Good Heart, Dies

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

All week, I keep coming back to the comment that says, be worried when we don’t talk and I don’t share. It means I’m done!

I watch what is happening and the distance growing like wild fire. I am okay with it. I’m done! Perhaps he is done, too. Odds are, he is okay with it also. It’s over and coming to a close. The timing is right on time. One more big hurdle to overcome and the curtains close, no further acts to follow or hoops to jump through. I see it falling into place. Sadly, there is an excitement.

As I pondered this scenario and remembered back of all the years, certain comments, situations, etc., I felt sad but I realize that I needed to walk over some shards of glass to be tough enough to stand tall today. Painful years feeling alone in a relationship. Perhaps the Aspergers I just learned about and is as clear as day in him. A good man but it takes a desire to be a better man and husband. The wife is not to do it all, she wears thin and develops health issues. That is not fair, as I contemplate recently with my health, yet again. I am paying dearly and have while he walks with his head in the clouds and mine is near the burial ground. Lord, I want to live and be happy before I die, my mind rehearses over and over as tears seep out at times.

So many details or water under the bridge, as they say, but so little time or even interest to deal with the past. The one I remember this morning was when we were in our early marriage, I asked why he never said I was beautiful to him or I would have been happy with being pretty to him. The comment made and from him as a compliment, was that I had a good heart. While that is nice and true, the enemy had a hay day with me. Convinced and confirmed that I am not pretty and that I am ugly. An area I had always dealt with in life, he was the one to say it. If I would go back through my journals and many notes written of my thoughts and cries on paper, I would say that I gave up then. Not knowing how to deal with this. I am nothing but his wife and a mother to our children. Thank God, I had the children to love and recognize what real love was because I never knew before, in life. Neither one will ever have to doubt my love for them.

The quietness surrounds each of us, as there is no further communication, unless absolutely necessary. Many would be long gone, whether it be the wife or the husband, in most cases. Knowing him, he will not move unless I said to do so and made preparations to ease his journey. I stayed in order to get the help and healing within myself to move forward. Year after year of having a good heart, the heart weakens in many ways. It has taken years to get to this point and there is joy within that I had lost. A slow move but to a much better place. I have faith and I have hope. In God’s eyes, I am beautiful.

Psalm 139 says, God knitted us together in our mother’s womb (verse 13), carefully detailing our shape and outline and artistically forming our idiosyncrasies.

Psalm 139:14 says, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart

Why Should Men Worry When Their Woman Goes Silent

https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-your-relationship-is-dead.html/

https://biblereasons.com/womens-beauty/