In all my years, I have felt and have had to be like a Wonder Woman. With that, a take-charge person, to make sure things get started, get done, figure out and manage or complete whatever it might be. For the most part, I’m glad for all that, I’m a better person and employee.
Being the youngest in my family though, I also had the responsibility to make some medical decisions with my parents and my brother. The pressure, doubting myself and my decisions plus the guilt that attacked my mind could knock one down and it did. Did I make the right decision of not having a procedure done, knowing my Mom was dying? Did I not act soon enough to get my Dad medical attention, which ended in a feeding tube because of a stroke? As to my brother, I was able to get his doctor to sign off on his death certificate causing no autopsy, due to his many medical conditions, surmising a heart attack. Major stuff. Not to forget the financial decisions with estates, putting up with family members not happy with their inheritance. Apparently, the Lord thought I could handle it all and I did.
Then in my own home, I tend to all the financial decisions and upkeep because my husband does not want to, has no interest and it falls on me. Pressure has been pushed on all sides, at times. Thankfully, I am and was able to handle it, and still can hold my own because I am supposed to be Wonder Woman.
Sadly, you can only do that so much for so long until your body, mind and spirit is exhausted and depleted.
Through it all, I am still here and in the last five years taking better care of me. Moving forward. Just sharing part of my life and I am sure many reading this can identify with it. Somebody has to do it.
Still, I deal with an area that zaps me. Drained immediately.
We all pretty much have heard of Superman and how Kryptonite takes his energy. I feel that is exactly what happens.
While my marriage is not the best, it is not the worst, but existence, and right now it works. Perhaps it is the Aspergers part in him or is it me or both? I have to retreat to gain energy to be involved in social settings with him and that is just not normal for a marriage. Being reminded yet again recently, I can be home alone all day enjoying my time, while cleaning, singing, dancing, just feeling a freedom but the moment he enters the door, I fall into a tired state and any motivation to continue is gone. This is not normal and it throws me for a loop each time. Zapped of energy.
I swear the man carries Kryptonite in his pockets and I must be like Superman because all power and energy drains from me. Why is that?
I do know and I made a choice, especially in the last five years, with the help of a counselor, that I am caring for me nowadays and getting stronger with counseling, taking care of medical issues, exercising, massages, manicures, traveling, being with friends and active in church services and activities.
I have to or he controls my power.
One day, I will leap tall buildings.
I stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be. As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here! I knew something was not right.
How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.
blanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often. Lies and fear must go.
My present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate. I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking. The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay. I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.
On my way home today from church, I heard the man on the Christian radio station mention and encourage those listening to not quit.
It was about twenty years ago, I did not care if I woke up when having gallbladder surgery. I had a note prepared for my children and a cassette tape (so that was a long time ago) of my voice talking to them, just in case I did not come through surgery. I remember the drive to the hospital and the hopelessness and sadness of my life felt. My gallbladder was to be removed but my heart was so broken, I did not think I would make it. I found myself so disappointed that I was still alive, and I can still remember that moment in recovery. Talk about hopeless. Nobody to share with, so alone and I was beginning to really doubt that the Lord knew me, cared, much less loved me. I wanted to quit life!
It was when I heard this song, “He Knows My Name” by Tara Jackson and played the song over and over for the longest time and still one of my favorites. He does knows my name and He knows where I am. Thank God.
Just Pondering... 