Children – Page 9 – Just Pondering…

Despondent

June 30, 2019June 30, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself. I understand the wall and isolation. I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues. I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be. Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he? I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through. Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147 Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

The Battle

June 23, 2019June 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98 I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be. Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him. A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again. As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder. He needed his mom just as much. As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

I just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully. But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy. It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away. We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him. Of course, that is not normal. I have to keep my faith in God. So hard to do at times.

Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times. God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

Of what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this. I cannot do it for him. We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process. That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him. I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding. We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

It’s So Me!

June 22, 2019June 22, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

D2B8CE0C-1924-4D86-B084-6D5067FE9EDC Years have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?

All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.

I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.

Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize. I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape. I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal. I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her. I hid the best I could. I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.

While this video is funny, it is sad. They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral. It will always be out there to haunt them.

It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job. I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed. Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks. So that meant missing practice. Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine. In my thinking, my devotion of that for her. Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off. Today, when I hear that song, I cringe. I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl. In my case, no confidence at all. I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.

Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago. I let it hinder me. Realizing shame was to blame. Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.

Who cares. No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget. Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.

I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.

Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.

To watch the video, click on the link below. I promise you, laughter will occur.

Dancing 5-Year-Old Steals Show At Pre-School Graduation And The Video Has Made Millions Smile