After years of counseling due to marriage issues, personal issues and realizing childhood issues, I realized it is just called LIFE. We all have it, in some form or another.
Just a bit ago, I was going through some emails of which I am behind in either reading or deleting and had to smile because I am so far behind on many things right now. Before that would have stressed me to the max and while I feel it somewhat, it is not keeping me up at night. My have things have changed. Even other insignificant things whether at work or home, if I do not do it perfectly, it is okay. While it is not 110% in my book, it is still 99.9% so I shrug my shoulders and move on.
Realizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.
I want my boss to know I have his back and will make him look good, a lot at my expense while working late and making that report look great, etc. Odds are, nobody is 
going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.
Having a task for another boss years ago, I worked tirelessly on this to make the ending of this study lesson perfect. To realize later, another co-worker, I am sure at the boss’s request added an appreciation to me at the end of all the work put into this endeavor. It threw off everything and I was livid. Now my work was off and now my name is posted. Those words of appreciation were never felt, as it was not perfect anymore. I was no longer perfect and now everyone saw that. Panic.
Since recognizing the whys in my life and understanding what makes me push for that so desired love, it has taken pressure off of me. It has been a good thing. I am thankful I had a counselor to help me understand this in me. While I still give my best, it does not need to be perfect, enough to make me lose sleep or cause me stress. The other day, I read a blog recently written and a word was wrong, should be taking and not talking, it is still there. When I find myself in this mode of perfection and needs to be done now, etc., I stop and recognize what is happening. It has been a lifetime of performing this way to be somebody.
News flash! I am somebody. You are somebody.
Those we live with, work with, associate with are all important but so are you, me and each of us. You do your best and let the Lord promote you, accept His Love and He will always have your back. He is all that matters anyway.
I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.
Do your best and move on.
Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.
I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.
Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.
Here I am, home from my counseling session and so thankful of having such great counselors as I deal with life. I would not be where I am today had it not been with each one.
Just with my last appointment, she said that a poem reminded her of me of my past counseling experience, which I will share. Perfect. Again, I have had the best and thankful for what each one has done to help me grow, understand life, and even understand myself.
Just Pondering... 