Author: ponderingmissylou

Let Me Hide

ponderingmissylou2 Comments

Today at church, which has been great to attend again, a late, smaller service and no cameras. Just for me. Too many have been ill with the virus through the months, so I declined going. The morning was beautiful with the sunshine, even though it was quite cold. The joy of knowing springtime is near.

I was reminded today of how far I have come.

As I am sitting there waiting for church to start, a lady commented that my face looks thinner. I had to laugh and said, yes I hear that all the time. While nice of noticing a difference in my face, it actually hurts me when this is said. I get frustrated more with myself. It makes me feel hopeless.

Also, it is my internal thoughts that start stealing my peace and my joy each time, because it is like a look of disgust received that I am still fat. I am.

As I turned to sit in my seat ready for service, for a couple of minutes, I had a war within. All the negative thoughts were being thrown at me and an urge to go hide. Just go hide, as it hurts too much. I was considering to leave and go home to feel safe in my rocking chair, throw the covers over my head and call it a day. All because I am fat, the thoughts of unworthiness, I should hide my fat, I am a disgrace nobody wants to see me, etc. WOW

The struggle was real but I worked through it soon after and stayed. I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. There were many years. I did hide.

Life can throw some heavy rocks of condemnation, unworthiness, shame and every negative word or thoughts to the point of hopelessness. I was there, in a pit of despair for so many years due to several circumstances. I had given up. What’s the use, just hide and let my comfortable chair hug me to a long deep sleep, sometimes hoping I would not wake up.

Even though I deal with weight issues, which I allowed to increase over the years. Depression will do that to you, as some of you may know. I have had to deal with being over weight. We probably each have a struggle in one way or another. Exactly where the enemy wants us, to hide and be depressed, believing the lies.

This won’t be the last time that I will be told my face looks thinner and then they glance at my body. It hurts because I see it happening, and I know I will need to deal with it afterwards. Thankfully, I did not leave church. I did not go hide in my bedroom and rock the negative thoughts to sleep. It can feel like a prison, locked up.

The first worship song, I sang along and clapped my hands, while still tossing a few of those negative thoughts. It was about the third time around of hearing and seeing the words on the screen and me singing, “He set me free, Yes He set me free, and He broke the bonds of prison for me” I actually felt joy rise up within me.

I know I have been in prison, not actual prison, but one in my mind that I am no good, etc. I don’t want to even type the words now of what I struggled with again or elaborate. I think you get it.

I am worthy of God’s Love whether I am overweight with a thinner face or whatever. He loves me. I don’t need to go hide away from life and people. I don’t need to fear but have peace knowing He is doing a work in me.

Perhaps you understand and at times want to hide yourself as the negative thoughts bombard your mind, or people are unkind in their words whether they know it or not. Whatever it might be. Please know, YOU are Worthy of God’s Love. He loves YOU.

I felt the prison bars opened for me today. I just need to walk out with my head held high. I don’t need to run off and hide. Just shut the door for no re-entry when those moments come and I want to hide.

Lord, don’t let me hide.

“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” (Isaiah 45:2-3) 

..if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free. John 8:36

“God has opened the prison doors for you to walk out into the freedom He promised through Christ.“

https://findingtruthwithin.com/2016/04/29/freedom-friday/

https://bessg.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/prison-in-our-life/

https://biblestudentsdaily.com/2016/08/18/isaiah-611-the-opening-of-the-prison/

Always A Hitch

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Yet again, I find that one thing leads to another, which is good but somewhat misleading. You get drawn in and then, here comes a sales pitch. If you do this and pay this fee monthly, I will do this and that for you and you will never be the same, totally worth it.

A guilt trip is added, but you deserve this for you, do this to be a better you, you will thank yourself, etc. While I get it, I get totally frustrated of being strung along and then BAM. Yes, it would be a good but so would the other program and another program, each one having a monthly fee. I do want to join to become a better me. Majority of the time, the same layout. When will I quit being pulled in and fall for the catch of them trying to get clients? Tonight’s fee was just $450.00 a month, a six-month program. A great deal, she said. No!

This class for the week, first three nights, were awesome. I absolutely loved it. It was like a continuation of my counseling years ago and stirred some emotions in me, which was good. I miss those hard, exhaustive sessions I had years ago at times that leave one depleted emotionally, but I grew within myself.

What ticked me off was a couple of things, besides this happening, a sales pitch. I was vulnerable in an email and shared how this time learning had affected me, as I stated. The fourth night, it starts off great and then it started, as a commercial for thirty minutes. While I understand, I should have known better days before, although I kinda did. I let my guard down and trust level was present. Angry with myself for allowing that to happen. Years ago, my counselor questioned why I didn’t trust others. Wonder why? Moments like this and I fall for it at the beginning and have at times jumped in and totally regretted, while losing money. It’s like the “L” hand sign on my forehead, Loser. Live and learn, right? Not this time.

Besides the anger I felt, it brought back other memories. Memories similar since I allowed myself to think back of my former counselor, that I still miss. When I was her client, on her Facebook business page, she offered programs that would have been nice to join. I could not join because I was her client. To sell her courses, of course, those also came as advertisements by the way of emails. The same holds true, I could not join. Each email or post, I felt it was like a slap in my face, like I was being rejected by her.

Dealing with rejection anyway, this did not help matters although I understood. I requested that I be taken off her email list for this reason. I do not have to subject myself to further pain. Although that decision I made hurt me in the end, as she officially closed her office and I did not know. A sad day it was when I drove past her office, it was my safe place for four years on a weekly basis and her signage removed. Now, not only feeling rejected but now abandoned. Devastated.

Of course, her groups also cost, which is understandable. Now that I am no longer a client, as she closed her office, I guess I could join. I don’t know, I was not offered and probably best. Now she is a coach. Everybody is an online coach nowadays, it seems. Unsure of the cost for her program(s) but it was a lot, if I remember correctly, but not as high as I was just offered. No! At least, no guilt trip.

A friend of mine that I often walk with also has a support group, she is a coach, too, which I could join but I will not. No! It’s only $39.00 a month. Really, there are all types of classes, groups, etc., that we can all join and they all have monthly fees. Again, understandable. It makes the world go around. It’s a business world.

Still, the last night of this class, it opened up an area that still affects me. The anger with myself of allowing to trust and enjoy but the slick move of the hitch attached was too much. Please do not guilt trip me to making me go in debt to the soothing tune that I deserve it, I am worthy enough, etc. I do and I am but I am also to use wisdom.

Otherwise, it is just digging a bigger hole to deal with the depression and anxiety of added expenses and probably thereafter a class on financial management would be needed. Wisdom.

They are all good and fine but there has to be a balance, too. I was really enjoying and wanted to grow in this one area. Yes, I can do it for the low cost of $450.00 a month. Immediately with her saying this price will never be this low again. Also, an often-used slogan. Should I or shouldn’t I? No! Further stated, next year will be $550.00 and following year $650.00 so jump on this price now. Sign up! Now! Plus, told that she spent $50,000.00 for her training in order to help us, to help me. I did not need to hear that comment. I get it but I am not doing it. No!

As much as I would like to have joined, I just cannot put forth that much money. I know it would help me, I know I am worthy but there are some things that you must let go of and just trust the Lord. He has brought me this far, He will be the one I will look to help me go further.

There are many online groups and local classes that I would like to take a part in, cost or no cost, but there are only so many commitments you can make. Choose wisely. Too many and you will burn out. If you have a family, it is time away from them.

Even though I am venting through this blog, it also made me aware of the anger that came up due to situations that still bother me. You know what? It’s okay! It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to say, “No Thank You.” As a thank you, a few days later, after I pondered this whole scenario, I sent an email stating I will not be joining and appreciated what online time we had together, wishing her well. No surprise, no reply, as I am not a monthly payment for her debt. It was a week of growth of knowing who I am, how it affected me and I am okay with my decision. No!

On a more personal note, it has taken me many years to get our family out of debt. Back in 2014-2018, my former counselor and I would discuss the stress this was putting on me. Drowning and I did not know how to dig myself out to move forward. So often I told her, I don’t know how. I did not see how it could happen, to be free of debt.

As I looked back and we talked, I caused a lot of this. Besides emotional eating, emotional purchasing is a thing, too. Depression and emotions can pull you down to where you feel there is no hope.

I can now recognize with the help she gave me, is when my emotions are trying to take over, how I am feeling and sensing, the desire to eat and the desire to buy. I know to pay attention to my thoughts, what am I telling myself, my emotions, my body. Just like the class mentioned above for $450.00 per month, my emotions were stirred. Stirred not only in learning but also grieving, as I missed my counselor. I needed to join. Everything she touched on was for me. I need it now, sign me up. Previously, I probably would have joined. It would have been good.

Thankfully, in late 2019, the debt was gone, just like that. Now it is me saying, Lord, I don’t know how you did that and led me to conquer such a mountain, but Thank You. An amazement in me, as that was a miracle. There’s a freedom I have not felt for a very long time, which is pushing me through an almost open door. Bring it on!

To bypass joining the class and knowing myself better and mostly of who I am in the Lord, I am a lot more aware of myself, happier and it is awesome. I wish I could share with my counselor.

In life, it’s hard at times. Through it all though, I know He knows my name and I know He knows where I am. What is exciting, He knows where I am going. No hitch attached, I just need to trust Him.

For you, He knows your name, He knows where you are and He knows where you are going. TRUST HIM ✝️

Forgive? Forget?

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

When years have passed and a lot of bitter waters flowed within a family, there comes a time to block a relationship and go the other way. One of the best moves I have ever done and actually the first time, to block a member of my own family from the hatred messages received. There was peace. To block one is very powerful and freeing. Why didn’t I do that sooner? I allowed a lot of unnecessary stress and tears before hitting the option, to block or not to block. Block.

It was their choice to cut family ties years before and pretend I was dead, actually they wished I was, no doubt. After going through years of this, I welcomed this divide.

To my surprise, I had a message awaiting me, which surprised me as I blocked her. Apparently, a new profile requesting friendship on Facebook allows this to happen but all I could say or think was, “I’m Good.” I am. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet. Whatever is said or done, that is on them. I will not allow myself to be harassed or stressed anymore. A decision to be a ‘friend’ on Facebook and then to send a message of, “Let Bygones Be Bygones” still, “I’m Good” with no reply. It’s best to leave well enough alone.

So epiphany came to mind.

Epiphany is an “Aha!” moment. As a literary device, epiphany (pronounced ih-pif–uh-nee) is the moment when a character is suddenly struck with a life-changing realization which changes the rest of the story. Often, an epiphany begins with a small, everyday occurrence or experience.

The movie, "Monster-In-Law" of a daughter-in-law (Charlie) to-be speaks to an upcoming mother-in-law on the wedding day after being so manipulative and jealous of the couple's relationship and trying to stop the wedding in however way she could. Finally saying the marriage could go forward. Charlie says, "What, am I supposed to believe that you've had some epiphany? That all of the sudden everything is going to be different?"

Actually, a “Come to Jesus’ moment is another way to think of this epiphany when it happens after years of being gossiped and lied about for years to those I know. Hopefully, those listening to the non-stop lies and gossip, they realized just what the one speaking really is and sees them for that. I cannot concern myself with what was or is said or believed. I did for a long time, but I had to let it go.

As much as it deeply hurt, I wanted to go behind them to fight my case, as there are always two sides to a story. I could also smear their reputation just as well but it is not worth my time or energy. In time, all I could and can do is to wait and let God fight my battles. In time, those that heard all the talk will understand, as they definitely felt the need to be heard in order to feel bigger and better. Some need that drama. I don’t have to say a word or defend my position.

My place was to remain in peace within myself, process the hurt and pain as I could but in the end, to forgive. Forgiveness is for me.

You Can Forgive Someone, But That Doesn’t Mean They Need To Stay In Your Life. But forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to keep that person in your life.

In a word – absolutely! Forgiveness is the foundation that must be laid in order to journey toward healing. When we forgive someone, instant healing doesn’t come (especially when the hurt causes deep emotional wounds).

I am sure we have all dealt with situations in life that we needed forgiveness for ourselves or for others. The same holds true with unforgiveness, we may hold toward others or they may hold toward us. Not an easy situation most times but we are faced with it in life. At times, we have to even forgive ourselves and that is even hard. Sometimes we have to forgive by faith.

Do we forgive? Can we forget?

Do we not forgive? Do we not forget?

Do we forget? Do we not forgive?

Forgiveness may not happen overnight, as there will probably be a lot of emotional baggage and let’s not forget anger.

This past week, I have had to re-examine this situation in our family. There has been a lot of water under the bridge over the years. As requested, let’s let bygones be bygones. I’m good with that and we continue to go our separate ways.

I’m good and I do wish them well.