Today at church, which has been great to attend again, a late, smaller service and no cameras. Just for me. Too many have been ill with the virus through the months, so I declined going. The morning was beautiful with the sunshine, even though it was quite cold. The joy of knowing springtime is near.
I was reminded today of how far I have come.
As I am sitting there waiting for church to start, a lady commented that my face looks thinner. I had to laugh and said, yes I hear that all the time. While nice of noticing a difference in my face, it actually hurts me when this is said. I get frustrated more with myself. It makes me feel hopeless.
Also, it is my internal thoughts that start stealing my peace and my joy each time, because it is like a look of disgust received that I am still fat. I am.
As I turned to sit in my seat ready for service, for a couple of minutes, I had a war within. All the negative thoughts were being thrown at me and an urge to go hide. Just go hide, as it hurts too much. I was considering to leave and go home to feel safe in my rocking chair, throw the covers over my head and call it a day. All because I am fat, the thoughts of unworthiness, I should hide my fat, I am a disgrace nobody wants to see me, etc. WOW
The struggle was real but I worked through it soon after and stayed. I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. There were many years. I did hide.
Life can throw some heavy rocks of condemnation, unworthiness, shame and every negative word or thoughts to the point of hopelessness. I was there, in a pit of despair for so many years due to several circumstances. I had given up. What’s the use, just hide and let my comfortable chair hug me to a long deep sleep, sometimes hoping I would not wake up.
Even though I deal with weight issues, which I allowed to increase over the years. Depression will do that to you, as some of you may know. I have had to deal with being over weight. We probably each have a struggle in one way or another. Exactly where the enemy wants us, to hide and be depressed, believing the lies.
This won’t be the last time that I will be told my face looks thinner and then they glance at my body. It hurts because I see it happening, and I know I will need to deal with it afterwards. Thankfully, I did not leave church. I did not go hide in my bedroom and rock the negative thoughts to sleep. It can feel like a prison, locked up.
The first worship song, I sang along and clapped my hands, while still tossing a few of those negative thoughts. It was about the third time around of hearing and seeing the words on the screen and me singing, “He set me free, Yes He set me free, and He broke the bonds of prison for me” I actually felt joy rise up within me.
I know I have been in prison, not actual prison, but one in my mind that I am no good, etc. I don’t want to even type the words now of what I struggled with again or elaborate. I think you get it.
I am worthy of God’s Love whether I am overweight with a thinner face or whatever. He loves me. I don’t need to go hide away from life and people. I don’t need to fear but have peace knowing He is doing a work in me.
Perhaps you understand and at times want to hide yourself as the negative thoughts bombard your mind, or people are unkind in their words whether they know it or not. Whatever it might be. Please know, YOU are Worthy of God’s Love. He loves YOU.
I felt the prison bars opened for me today. I just need to walk out with my head held high. I don’t need to run off and hide. Just shut the door for no re-entry when those moments come and I want to hide.
Lord, don’t let me hide.
“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” (Isaiah 45:2-3)
..if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free. John 8:36
“God has opened the prison doors for you to walk out into the freedom He promised through Christ.“
https://findingtruthwithin.com/2016/04/29/freedom-friday/
https://bessg.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/prison-in-our-life/
https://biblestudentsdaily.com/2016/08/18/isaiah-611-the-opening-of-the-prison/
I know to pray, I know that the Lord hears my prayers whether in my thoughts, silently or verbally. Had it not been, I would not be here, right now. At times, all I could muster up was, Lord help me. My heart being in such despair and nobody to turn to or trust, He was all that I had. He was all that I needed. Even though I felt alone in the thick of it all, and even felt at times He was nowhere to be found. Although, I know now that my faith grew in those dark, lonely periods, it had to in order to survive.
to say lump on a log, smacks me. To bring it home to understand and to grasp, I feel he is mad and hollering at me, his finger pointing confirms I am unworthy, to say sitting like a lump on the log is that I am also lazy. End result, convinced I am a good-for-nothing person on the face of the earth or in my family, now church family as a Christian.
In a church service or in our private time, we worship and praise the Lord to usher in His Presence. His Presence is precious and I am fully aware of Him during such times. I do not have to put on a full production of waving my hands, shouting praises and being something I am not. If I do all of that and I have tried but that is my time between me and the Lord. I can stand or sit quietly and feel His presence all over me with tears flowing down my face, dropping from my chin in my worship, praise and prayer. This is my personal time with Him. I don’t need to care what others think or expect of me, although at times I do and accustomed to, which has always held me back.
So as I toss this back and forth the past few weeks due to the COVID19 situation and the seriousness of it all, the finger pointing and preaching returns, of saying do this, do that. Again, I get it, I really do, but each time, I still get that unworthy feeling. I know, too, that the enemy wants me, us all to feel the unworthiness and to remain stuck. Am I going to act and put on a show just to please the preacher? No. Will I still get frustrated with him when he pushes this down our throat once again? Yes. I do understand he is trying to help us grow in the Lord but it is a big turn off for me. I love my church, my pastor and the anointing. I have considered finding another church at times, which may or may not be any better. I know that the enemy antagonizes me and I realize this could be a ploy to separate me from the church. So with that, something is about to break, a battle within. I have been at this church since 1985 so change is hard, too. This is when I need to be rebellious and stubborn, not with the Pastor or even with myself but the enemy wanting to halt my praise, worship and prayer.
Knowing and understanding this, perhaps praying, praise and worship will come easier for me. Still, I know the Lord meets us where we are and He is the one to direct us and help us in areas to get us to where we need to be. To be a willing vessel, He will do just that. I do not need to put on an air to appease the preacher or anyone around me. The Lord is all that matters and my relationship with Him. To acknowledge how this has affected me, I do not need to accept the feelings of unworthiness. I am worthy!
While each of our normal routines are disrupted with work schedules, appointments canceled one by one, nowhere to go, so on and so forth, as you know. Of course, I’d like to go out and eat but not by a drive-thru. This will be missed by many, especially as the weekends roll around.
the head of the household to stand up in the home and pray. Pray for a hedge of protection around our families, stop being a coward and be the covering over the home, wife, children. In many homes, the head of the home, normally would be the husband/father. Nowadays, he has either taken a backseat or may not even be In the picture. If that is the case, YOU are responsible to pray putting all intimidation away to speak and pray the Word of God. Just go through your home praying and speaking the Word of God, put post-it notes up with scripture, always putting in faith, pushing out fear.
I am one of those in church or in a group that always remained quiet, a bystander letting others do the praying, as they were or are the more spiritual ones. Although I know, He has equipped me just as much as them. I know He has heard my own, private prayers, whether in my thoughts or verbally, through the years.
The next time we walk through the church doors, we will not be the same as the last time we walked out. Our prayers will be different. Our worship will be different. Our lives will be different.
through the church doors. This is a time that many will call upon the Lord in desperation and hopelessness, we all will possibly, but knowing we ALL must call upon the Lord, be saved and know deep in our heart that He loves us, He holds our hand, He will never leave or forsake you.
Just Pondering... 