Here I Am

76003392-CF8A-4321-A559-A3EBB9076D45Last night as I was walking, thinking about some issues in my life and praying, I could not help but continue to look up at the sky as I kept moving forward and admire the beauty of the clouds, sunset and the sunrays shining through. It was just beautiful and, of course, I had to stop and take a pic.

Sometimes in life we get overwhelmed with situations and issues and/or that we get so busy and forget to enjoy what is in front of us whether it is the sunset, friends/family or just a bee buzzing on a flower, etc.

I am sure you have heard the old saying, “Take one day at a time.” Someone told me a long time ago that when one day is too much, take one hour at a time. I do just that at times, I have had to.

Perhaps you are facing some situations or circumstances that seem out of reach for you. Do realize you will get through these periods of waiting, questioning why and even moments of anger.

While trusting the Lord and even questioning and even doubting Him, which is normal (Where are You?), He will give you the peace you need. Trust Him!

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Move!

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If you are not happy where you are, move!  You are not a tree. This quote is quite powerful, I thought.

I actually said this to someone the other night.

Maybe you feel stuck in a rut, as we sometimes get. I know I have. We all deal with circumstances that are unlike the next person so this covers many areas in our lives from our weight (start exercising), spiritual (read your Bible, worship, pray), health (eat better, drink water), employment, relationships, etc. The list can go on and on. This is just self-care and needed, it’s not selfish to take care of YOU.

Just start making small changes to help you be better and a happier person. It’s OK!

When you look at it, as in the tree, we are able to move and make changes so there is HOPE!

 

And I will always guide you and satisfy you with good things. I will keep you strong and well. You will be like a garden that has plenty of water, like a spring of water that never goes dry.” Isaiah 58:11 (GNT)

Sunny Side of 60

5840BA30-3C3A-487C-95AE-5ECB4074C002Recently, when having a discussion with an older gentleman, we were discussing life and how he wanted to fulfill many things before he dies.  Knowing my age, he said I was on the sunny side of sixty, which I thought was funny.  Sunny.  Sixty.  That number!

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Sunny side I get, but this sixty number is affecting me the closer I get. How did this happen so quickly?  I, too, have things I want to do as he does before the grave.  I was twenty one day, then forty and now on the sunny side.

019413E8-ECC8-44E4-9DB1-4EE2DE46C9EDNo doubt many of you have felt the same through the years or as the birthday candles increase.

While life has not been too bad, many rough patches came and not to forget the many blessings.  Life.

7D696DB1-F04C-471A-A8FB-E13C3DC61CCCThankfully, I feel more alive physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually today than I did almost five years ago.  It has not been easy going to counseling and opening up and dealing with areas of life and those rough patches.  It has been healing though while understanding the whys, questions, and uncertainties as I had to trust my counselor and moreso God.

D2005A85-4FAB-43B7-9B80-F41739348ECCI do not know what the other side of sixty looks like for me but I’ll be aiming for the sweet side of seventy and will be laughing and having fun along the way.

Lets make the most of our time left here on earth and be a blessing to others.  Remember…

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Forget Me Not

BAAB3740-FFE7-4AD1-819D-4F4B6AD5ADAAThroughout my life I have always dreamed of doing and giving to help others, which is a good thing, if only I had the millions of dollars to do so.

Still, I do what I can when I can and usually not on special occasions but out of the blue, just because.  Everyone needs to get a surprise now and then and plus it is fun for me.71799F7E-3E53-4D12-8FD0-B94D24337DD9

Realizing this pattern in my life, it was when my former counselor mentioned this to me.  It has been amazing how much she made me understand life and myself.  Asking me why I do this for her or others.

I find that throw pillows make a room.  I love pillows and found that you can buy pillow covers from Amazon to slip on and zip up to change the theme; so my life, in my own home, has been exciting.

With the pillows though, my counselor had purchased a new loveseat for her brightly, painted walls in her office, but I felt it needed a pillow to bring it all together.  I was on a mission and made sure this was done.  It made me happy 5CEE944E-BCBE-45A8-A0BC-74DFA8D7A6A1to do this for her and she accepted my gift, which I was unsure she would. It also settled my mind while in counseling as I could focus on the colors or rub my hand over the texture of the fabric to ground myself if in a deep, emotional moment.

Still, even though I no longer sit on that loveseat as she is no longer counseling, I see pillows that would be perfect and I just smile and think, that would be perfect.

With the pillows given through the years, to change out, I often wonder now if she still has them and uses and thinks of me, as I do her when I shop.896F8327-E201-435B-A212-4E1C958290A3

Her comment to me was asking why I give gifts.  Crazy enough, it is like how a cat shows its love by bringing a mouse to its owner, the cat is grateful and loves the owner.FCEF7A64-675E-40A5-8AEE-517720495064

It was when we had discussed abandonment in my life so much that she felt the gifts given were to remind her of me.  Leaving a piece of me with her so I would not be forgotten.  I remember that moment well and while shaking my head, I replied with, Yes.  Again, she understood me.  To be heard and understood, brings healing.0ACBF96B-DC5D-442B-AF24-CE7340C5CC0C

Abandonment, whether young or old, the lack of love shown through life will be visible to those that really care.  She did.  How could I not bring and give her gifts?  I was grateful for her bringing light to the dark corners of my life.  I love and miss her as my counselor, who knew me better than my own family and close friends.

Giving gifts is one of my love languages.  The five love languages are not just for spouses but in life and in all relationships.

For me to receive gifts, it is not easy although nice, but it is a joy to give.  I’ll take touch (all the hugs, mostly sincere, tight motherly ones I can get) and words (so I can write them down and repeat over and over to myself and be reminded of spoken love toward me).  Due to abandonment and emotional neglect, this would be typical in my situation.

Where do you rate in the love languages?

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Overwhelmed

Have you ever heard the saying, I have so much to do that I don’t have time to die? I have a plaque hanging in my attic bedroom relating to that quote. 60B33F47-76BB-4593-AE7C-7B7F835D5AC8 I have had it for years because not only is it funny, I feel it to be true. Too much to do. End result, if and when death happens, it does not matter. Humor helps when the stress of life seems to swallow one up.

Many times this week, I have been faced with the fact I need to do or that, etc., feeling overwhelmed and panic sets in. The panic of freezing because I do not know where to begin. Chaos takes over in my mind and I become stuck out of unknowingly what to do, fear of dealing with some issues and just plain thoughts of ignoring and that maybe it will go away.

I will face it all and begin but I think I will write about it all for now. Procrastination at its finest, just because.

When I started my present job many years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. It was out of my league I guess you could say. Knowing I can organize and bring order to an office so that it will run efficient is a talent I have. Some offices need my help. In all my years, I had never had an office job to make me cry but tears would fall at this one, early on, due to the amount of work plus long hours of staying late while others were home enjoying their family or perhaps already in bed.

2BF3F1BF-5C85-46AA-B6DE-79A1BEBBBF33To this day, I still have on my bulletin board above my desk that reads, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That was what helped me tackle the files in front of me day after day and some nights; one file at a time. Well, crying out to the Lord oftentimes of I need your help, direction and wisdom to get me through, or how can I make this better, etc. Today, my office run smoothly and very orderly but it did not happen overnight.

This week dealing with a health issue that put fear on me of death and the thought I do not have time to die, I realized I need to get some things in order. Last night I was informed of another matter that will affect me, I again realized that I need to get real serious of doing the same. The alarm is going off in my mind and it is time to problem solve yet again to bring order, not in my office but life. Pressure to push through when I would rather procrastinate and keep my head in the sand or feel like child and have a temper tantrum. Again, my quote came to mind of “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And again, crying out with Lord I need your help, direction and wisdom.

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If we do nothing, nothing gets done. Taking that first step, making an effort and pushing through will bring results. So if you are feeling overwhelmed as I am now or have been or later will be in a situation, know first off that the Lord knows where you are.

811F460B-9F1D-4726-8CDC-33587BE13524No matter if you feel as though you are begging for His help, and we often do, but direction and wisdom in an area that needs attention to go forward in an area or in a perhaps stupid mistake you caused, He knows already.  He is there for me, you and each of us. He wants us to call upon Him.

If the quote helps you, use it, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

We all get overwhelmed at times. The head in the sand trick will only cause more issues. Deal with whatever and move on.

Not Perfect

After years of counseling due to marriage issues, personal issues and realizing childhood issues, I realized it is just called LIFE. We all have it, in some form or another.

Just a bit ago, I was going through some emails of which I am behind in either reading or deleting and had to smile because I am so far behind on many things right now. Before that would have stressed me to the max and while I feel it somewhat, it is not keeping me up at night. My have things have changed. Even other insignificant things whether at work or home, if I do not do it perfectly, it is okay. While it is not 110% in my book, it is still 99.9% so I shrug my shoulders and move on.

01786893-AB4E-450A-84BB-197253DDC4EDRealizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.

I want my boss to know I have his back and will make him look good, a lot at my expense while working late and making that report look great, etc. Odds are, nobody is 00F8C389-8885-49B6-9146-0D8223FFDFF3going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.

Having a task for another boss years ago, I worked tirelessly on this to make the ending of this study lesson perfect. To realize later, another co-worker, I am sure at the boss’s request added an appreciation to me at the end of all the work put into this endeavor. It threw off everything and I was livid. Now my work was off and now my name is posted. Those words of appreciation were never felt, as it was not perfect anymore. I was no longer perfect and now everyone saw that. Panic.

Since recognizing the whys in my life and understanding what makes me push for that so desired love, it has taken pressure off of me. It has been a good thing. I am thankful I had a counselor to help me understand this in me. While I still give my best, it does not need to be perfect, enough to make me lose sleep or cause me stress. The other day, I read a blog recently written and a word was wrong, should be taking and not talking, it is still there. When I find myself in this mode of perfection and needs to be done now, etc., I stop and recognize what is happening. It has been a lifetime of performing this way to be somebody.

News flash! I am somebody. You are somebody.

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Those we live with, work with, associate with are all important but so are you, me and each of us. You do your best and let the Lord promote you, accept His Love and He will always have your back. He is all that matters anyway.

629128EB-F7ED-466C-9B82-279E002D9903I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.

Do your best and move on.

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A-Fib Fear

BDC8A620-C316-4C94-B67F-AA2AEE76FC56Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.

The first neurologist available was one I could not understand and there was limited communication due to the language barrier. Although, I did understand her quick and pointed comments like, you had stroke. Well, I was certainly not expecting that. Now I needed to see a cardiologist. Does it ever end? After being against talking Coumadin (warfarin) for clotting purposes, now I would be afraid not to take it along with meds to control palpitations.

BEDE4EFD-64F3-4C0F-AC37-D1D0A8C4A414I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.

I have not had an episode for a couple of years. Strangely enough, my last two were in the month of May. Today is May 18th so what is it about May, I wonder. I was doing well today, decided to take a nap and woke up in a-fib. Great. Ugh.

There is a fear, although my heartbeat was only 135, that is more than normal. Can you imagine 220? Not fun at all.

49EC6B43-06A7-4F73-A09B-459EB1702051Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.

Me being me, I think of everything that I do not have in order in case I die. A-fib will bring that much fear upon me and odds are others that experience this condition. There is a panic of when this passes, I will do this, that and other things to be prepared for the moment. While I make changes and all, I will never get things caught up.

Thankfully, this did not last long but takes my energy, as if you ran a marathon. I will be tired for a bit but at least I can read, write and watch tv. Still, I hate a-fib with a passion. There is so much I want to do in life and knowing this can cause my life to be cut short or have issues from it, makes me sad. Still, I cannot live in total fear but each palpitation, I realize what could come about.  Like a shadow of fear over my daily walk in life.

So if you also have a-fib, I understand. It is not fun. Hang in there.

I bought this unit years ago and it goes with me everywhere I go.  Alivecor… worth every cent, approximately $99. 65400786-07DE-4BCD-B75F-9C853C4F7D66