Author: ponderingmissylou

Digging Deeper

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There are things in life that you may know what you want to do, from education, employment, marriage, family, etc., but also personal desires such as painting, yoga, teach a class or whatever and possibly even writing a book, which is where I am.

All through my life, even from a young girl, I made notes, kept copies of letters I sent out, always writing down book titles along with the name of the book, to jog my memory of a place and time. I did this for the reason that I might need them one day. Now why would I do that without a purpose? I have often wondered if the Lord was preparing me then for now.

Many times my notes and journals through the years kept my sanity, as I questioned myself, did this really happen. As I spoke to my counselor of various situations, I could refer back and read my writings, almost to the point of feeling very emotional, the anger to rise up and wonder how I survived those years. This was my life.

Questioning myself as I write my blog with thoughts of who would want to read my writings. I have tried different ways to write and grow in this area through the years to where I am today, writing here. Just me and sharing a part of me that majority of my friends and family do not even know. Blogs are usually short and limited information but in each one, they are a piece of a puzzle to me and for me to possibly connect with others of same or similar instances, thoughts and feelings.

Last year I made a weekend trip to my hideaway up North. Just me. I needed to make some decisions plus get out of the four walls where I feel stuck.  Unbeknownst to me, a Christian writing conference was advertised on Facebook. No mistake, I was to see this. I signed up, paid and spent many hours over the few days, taking notes and learning how to start, consider, piece all my notes together, etc. A private workshop for me.

I am one that needs organization to get my thoughts together and that is okay. Recently, I ordered a plastic storage bin for colored hanging files to departmentalize everything. The colored files were for me, the colors are pretty. I was all excited to have these items arrive so I could start immediately. Why hadn’t I thought of this early on?

Now I had everything to get started but I could not do anymore than place my colorful hanging files in the clear, plastic storage bin to admire. I have a tendency to procrastinate with one excuse after another, and I did so. The desire was there but there was a dread of digging through all of the notes and memories. Fear of going back through some dark days with depression lurking and eager to choke life out me yet again. I knew this digging would cause some emotions within me that I would rather keep stuffed down, as my former counselor would say that I did. True. I knew I would have all sorts of emotions come up but it was the anger within that scared me.

Just as in a session several weeks ago, my present counselor and I discussed a situation I faced twenty years ago maybe. I have mentioned this before in a session with my former counselor but this time, it affected me. I could not stop the tears and I had anger for days, with my husband the father of our boys, which did in fact scare me. I avoided any and all situations with him, as I was angry. This was something I needed to deal with, within me, as he could care less, not remember what happened and what good would it do really, except make me look like a crazy person. My notes, prove otherwise.

So now, I had to go dig through my notes and read about the incident that caused this emotional outburst, questioning my own mental state. Did this actually happen? Was it a movie that I perhaps viewed? No, it was in real time, in my life.  With this, now I am digging deeper in my years of old notes, filing them by years. I can only do this a bit here and there, and that was in just reading the date and maybe a glance of my notes. Enough to remember what was happening and caused a lot or turmoil within. I had to and still take breaks from this digging in order to process, sometimes days or a week or so.

To even consider a book, of course, the thoughts of who do I think I am. Nobody wants to read my book, I have nothing to say, I am a fool and you know how the negativity comes. In return, to counteract the negativity, then it is just for me and my healing. Knowing, too, there are others that can relate to my story and perhaps provide hope when there is none.

As I was taught in counseling, turn the negative thoughts around, which I am trying to do more so. Why would I have made and kept all of these notes in my possession, if not for a purpose. All through the years, my fear was of a house fire to lose it all but they are all safe today. The iCloud holds a lot of my thoughts in notes and pictures now to do the same. Technology is wonderful. Like the old saying, ‘your head is in the clouds,’ well, actually it is.

Just this past year, I was standing in church holding my hands in front of me praying, Lord put a fire in my hands of your anointing, if I am to write. Nobody knew what I prayed, as I stood there alone. Soon after, two ladies prayed for me, as I wrote in a previous blog. It was when the woman grabbed my hands and said they were like fire of the anointing. How could that not be God? 

Several months ago. I was messaging my sister and sent her a picture of my Crepe Myrtle bush I had bought with her back in late 2018 or early 2019, when visiting. I came home, planted it where I could see it from my bedroom window. After the winter months, it was just a twig. It must have died I thought and I was so disappointed. 31F53C4F-A54B-49C3-B982-0C2E84098C07

As I was messaging my sister about the twig and how I thought it was dead, I even told my husband back in April to just mow over it, it’s dead. Hopelessness. 

Here is my bush that is growing, just from that twig, in April, 2020. I am so excited and this gives me hope and joy within. It is twice as big today.

This is just like life and of our gifts and talents. We think they are nothing and dead. Not good for nothing. Give up.  BUT GOD…. I joked with her that I was going to preach the next day at church. I realized I was preaching to myself.

Even if no book comes from digging deeper in my storage of many notes through the years, perhaps the Lord just wants me to dig deeper within for healing of many hurts, pain and trauma. There is a purpose. One day I will know, but I have to trust Him. For now, I am but a twig.

 

https://writingforyourlife.com/why-does-god-want-me-to-write/

Tomato Patch

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I absolutely love this time of the year when garden fruits and vegetables are available. Weekly, my stop on the way home, I get tomatoes especially as they are such a delight to have whenever, for breakfast, lunch or dinner. This year, the watermelons have been extremely good and I really don’t like watermelon. What’s up with that?

Whenever I visit my oldest sister who lives about four hours away, she is sixteen years older,. I usually travel with our other sister so we can all visit, now she is nine years older than me. It is always a great time of being together. Altogether, I have three sisters. Our other sister lives in North Carolina so we do not see her as often, and she is seven years older than me. I was the last, an oops, the baby of the family, and they all, with brothers included, one especially, made me know just that. Such warmth of love expressed from their jealousy of me.

As I am standing at my kitchen counter peeling my tomato to enjoy, each time, I always think of my oldest sister, with me standing at her kitchen counter those many years ago. When we visit, we eat, of course, and there is always a tomato to peel and slice for meals. We help her when we visit for those few days and it is fun. In that, I learned early on in our visits that she does not like the way I peel ‘her’ tomatoes. So this task now belongs to my other sister. Makes no difference to me but I know she would not say a word to her if not pleased. Whatever! I know, too, she would prefer to do the cooking and all with us not in her way in her kitchen. I understand that, I feel the same, and odds are we are most like that. Get out of my kitchen. This lady can cook and I tell her she could make dirt taste good. So, I back off and wait, as I don’t want to get in the way. I hate that feeling of being in the way, sadly a place I have been all my life.

I am usually on dish duty, which is fine but even with that I feel it does not measure up to her standards or she says she does not want me to get my nails messed up because I wear polish. I explain the gel type of nail polish and I will be fine. At times with such instances, when younger, feeling that I cannot do anything good enough, which in turn making me feel I am not good enough. Still. Thankfully, I did not ever feel unwanted. I know she loves me, always glad to see me, plus she is old enough to be my mother.

Now back to our sister that is peeling the tomato, she is not one to cook but thinks she can. Shhhh. I watch and wonder why she gets to peel and slice the tomatoes but I can’t. I do not even attempt to put forth an effort in that area while visiting. I remember for a long time, I quit trying to peel even my own tomatoes but just sliced, because I was told I did it wrong, I was a failure in this task.

One thing from that situation, I do know how to peel and slice and do quite well, as I have perfected my technique. Plus, I hate to eat the peeling on the tomatoes. Cutting the tomato yesterday, made me think back many years ago when I took offense of her taking this task away from me. Often questioning if I will ever please her (or anybody for that matter). Perfectionism had to be conquered, even with a tomato.

Our sister that is not with us due to distance, she is a good cook. Sadly, they really don’t know me enough, perhaps due to the age differences. I can cook, well I used to cook a lot but baking was always my favorite. Homemade yeast rolls, cookies, cakes, etc. I could throw a party like nobody’s business. They did not see me in this light. If I had a home party such as Home Interiors or whatever, I did not just serve finger sandwiches and cookies but a full meal. It was fun. When I worked at the funeral home, we would have a memorial service for those that lost ones during the year at the holidays. I loved this time and I made sure it was a plentiful, beautiful presentation of food. I have also made fruit and vegetable trays for people, which I enjoyed. My sisters don’t know that about me.

In all of that thinking while peeling ‘my’ tomato, I have tried to be a perfectionist in life and wanted perfection from others. Give your 100% if not more. Does it really matter though? We can all stand to learn and do better, sure, but if I peel my tomato one way and you peel it another way, it gets done in the end. Of course, learning to not waste is good and trust me, I could show my sister a trick, but I don’t dare even try.

Along with this somewhat, years ago when working in our church office, they hired a church administrator to oversee everything. This one day, I was typing a report or a letter and he came behind my desk and wanted me to use his way. I let him show me. He liked to use the symbol in between the paragraphs and show each line, etc. It made my report so busy looking that anxiety was happening within me. I realized, I have done this job long enough without the symbol to show me how many lines, etc., so I stopped. He may be in charge of the church grounds and departments but do not micromanage my reports or typing abilities. I felt competent in my work and so did the Pastor, then and in previous years, still. As an update, this administrator was not with the church very long. I guess he micromanaged the wrong one.

Years later, at my present office job, about ten years ago, I was training my assistant. I showed her how to do this one task. I did it one way and she said she always did it this way, but same result. Isn’t it funny how things stay in our mind and return? Cutting the tomato yesterday, it made me think back through the years when I took offense of my sister taking this task away from me, then the administrator correcting me feeling as though I was not doing it perfectly, which in turn made me feel not perfect. I am unsure why people feel that they can do this to me and I don’t dare do it or say anything to them. Just let it go, not worth my time and energy was often my thought pattern. Still, it hurts. As I was training, I remember my comment to her with, “Hey, if it works go for it with what you feel comfortable with doing as long as we get the end result.” Teach, be patient but do not make one feel incompetent or as a failure. I am sure I have failed in this area many times through the years, but I do try and be aware and to be patient.

I was thinking, of my oldest son when he was young and wanting to learn how to tie his shoes. We tried over and over again but one day he ran in the house all excited to say he could tie his shoes. Of course, he wanted to show me and I wanted to watch. He did just that, he tied his shoes. Nothing like I was showing him or how we tie our shoes but…he got the same result. ‘Well, there you go son, you did it.’ He was so proud and I was proud of him, even if different, same result. I still hear about this and we laugh. ‘Mom, why did you let me do it this way?’ ‘Son, because it worked for you.’

I never put two and two together until my former counselor brought the perfectionism up and it brought clarity to my life. So this is why I do this or did that in my life. Perfectionism. Perfection becomes a way to gain acceptance, love, and praise. This is what I wanted and needed from others.

“Bask in the glory of God’s love and for accepting your worthiness rather than trying to earn it by being perfect!”

https://focusoncampus.org/content/the-tyranny-of-perfectionism-and-6-ways-to-conquer-it

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

https://www.cleverism.com/37-inspirational-quotes-to-conquer-any-negativity-in-your-life/

The root of perfectionism is believing your self-worth is based on your achievements. Many perfectionists grew up with unrealistic expectations from parents, caretakers and/or themselves. Perfectionismis encouraged in some families. Sometimes parents knowingly or unknowingly establish perfection as the standard.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2015/12/what-causes-perfectionism/

Take the quiz: https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/quiz/perfectionist-quiz/

Just as a side note, I really dislike this new WP format. I feel defeated and like a rotten tomato. Ugh! The perfectionism is being pushed to its limits within me. I really am trying. 🍅

Woman at the Tree

ponderingmissylou3 Comments

Have you ever stopped and noticed an image in wood grain of a door, in various paintings or other inanimate objects? I’m sure you have at some point in your life, you have done just that with clouds. It’s fun and is actually relaxing.

I have lived in the present house for twenty years now. It’s an older house and actually it belong to my parents so I grew up in this house, too. The yard is about an acre, not too big and not too small although as we get older, it seems to get bigger and be more than we prefer to deal with.

The back yard was full of trees and bushes when my parents moved in, back in 1964 and was thinned out. When we bought it in 1999, we took out trees also. There is this one big maple tree in the middle of our back yard. This tree after all of these years still provides shade and perfect where it is, but I have recently noticed a figure of a body in the trunk of it, a full body. As I stand at my kitchen window doing dishes or just looking out and watching the birds, I look at this tree and realized it is a body of a woman. I felt she deserved a name, which is Tree-na, of course.

Apparently, I need to get out more. Throughout this pandemic, this has been fun to view and get lost in the imagination of the tree. Why have I not seen this before?

Do you see her? Her head is tilted down, my opinion. Once the weather is cooler, my intention is to give the body an outline with paint and color to enjoy even more and it will be a definite conversation piece. Perhaps a fright to some, which makes it even more fun. 

If all of these years living here and being in this house, looking out into the back yard, from childhood basically, this woman in the tree never stood out to me. Now though it is one of those things, I cannot unsee. I wonder, how much more do I not see around me or in front of me, wherever I go. Lord, open my (our) eyes.

This year has been a year that none of us will forget as we shake our heads in disbelief of the chaos, confusion and fear. I wonder the same, how much more I do not see around me or in front of me, wherever I go. Lord, I (we) need your discernment and protection.

“Open my eyes, that I may behold wonderful things from your law.” Psalm 119:18

“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12

https://www.buzzfeed.com/christopherhudspeth/pareidolia-quiz

Pareidolia was at one time considered a symptom of human psychosis, but it is now seen as a normal human tendency. Pareidolia is not confined to humans. Scientists have for years taught computers to use visual clues to “see” faces and other images.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/illusions-delusions-and-reality/201902/mind-controlled-motion-perception