A Good Heart, Dies

All week, I keep coming back to the comment that says, be worried when we don’t talk and I don’t share. It means I’m done!

I watch what is happening and the distance growing like wild fire. I am okay with it. I’m done! Perhaps he is done, too. Odds are, he is okay with it also. It’s over and coming to a close. The timing is right on time. One more big hurdle to overcome and the curtains close, no further acts to follow or hoops to jump through. I see it falling into place. Sadly, there is an excitement.

As I pondered this scenario and remembered back of all the years, certain comments, situations, etc., I felt sad but I realize that I needed to walk over some shards of glass to be tough enough to stand tall today. Painful years feeling alone in a relationship. Perhaps the Aspergers I just learned about and is as clear as day in him. A good man but it takes a desire to be a better man and husband. The wife is not to do it all, she wears thin and develops health issues. That is not fair, as I contemplate recently with my health, yet again. I am paying dearly and have while he walks with his head in the clouds and mine is near the burial ground. Lord, I want to live and be happy before I die, my mind rehearses over and over as tears seep out at times.

So many details or water under the bridge, as they say, but so little time or even interest to deal with the past. The one I remember this morning was when we were in our early marriage, I asked why he never said I was beautiful to him or I would have been happy with being pretty to him. The comment made and from him as a compliment, was that I had a good heart. While that is nice and true, the enemy had a hay day with me. Convinced and confirmed that I am not pretty and that I am ugly. An area I had always dealt with in life, he was the one to say it. If I would go back through my journals and many notes written of my thoughts and cries on paper, I would say that I gave up then. Not knowing how to deal with this. I am nothing but his wife and a mother to our children. Thank God, I had the children to love and recognize what real love was because I never knew before, in life. Neither one will ever have to doubt my love for them.

The quietness surrounds each of us, as there is no further communication, unless absolutely necessary. Many would be long gone, whether it be the wife or the husband, in most cases. Knowing him, he will not move unless I said to do so and made preparations to ease his journey. I stayed in order to get the help and healing within myself to move forward. Year after year of having a good heart, the heart weakens in many ways. It has taken years to get to this point and there is joy within that I had lost. A slow move but to a much better place. I have faith and I have hope. In God’s eyes, I am beautiful.

Psalm 139 says, God knitted us together in our mother’s womb (verse 13), carefully detailing our shape and outline and artistically forming our idiosyncrasies.

Psalm 139:14 says, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart

Why Should Men Worry When Their Woman Goes Silent

https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-your-relationship-is-dead.html/

https://biblereasons.com/womens-beauty/

Invalidation

312E6086-FA19-47FD-999C-B90D852D5941Have you ever thought, just perhaps you are making headway and then the bottom falls out?

Being full of hope and excited about a dream and a goal that is beginning to take shape and you make a mistake, realizing afterward, by sharing and shot down with negativity. It was my own fault to even share and now kicking myself, as I pondered the words and unsure how to digest but also fighting to not give up. Through the night, tossing and turning, I realized just the degree of invalidation received F1975275-42B4-4FC1-BD46-5D0052528116from one that usually is supportive. I think that is what shocks me more. What gives? Is it that I just need to accept and move on, and then not expressing how insensitive it was, all of which I did. Now clinching my jaw in despair working through the chaos within, choking back my tears.

It is the after thoughts, when it is too late to express by being shocked and not wanting to hurt their feelings. I should have replied, “Thanks for your invalidation.”

I am reminded, we should not share our dreams and our goals with another, as it is not their dreams and goals, for this very reason. Got it!

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Psalm 20:4 “May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” Psalm 33:11 “But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Psalm 37:4-5 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.