Fear is no stranger to me or me of it. Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.
I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit. The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s. At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor. Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.
While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return. Will she call me? Will I be invited back? Am I anybody to her now? The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.
While all of this seems to last forever, it did not. I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.
The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident. What am I going to do? How am I going to make it? I miss her. I need her. Oh my God, help me. Panic!
Fear is tormenting no matter how it comes or what about.
Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work. Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.
Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.
Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.
While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are intact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her, and I pray for her.
When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.
I have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings. I need her! All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life. Help me!
Another day. Usually, the next part of that is, another dollar. If only. For me today, it is another load in the washer as I catch up on the household cleaning due to this ingenious idea of mine to join a class weeks ago. Counting down, I have twelve days left. Well until I start the next phase, clinicals. Again, what was I thinking?
Sitting in the small class, it is a lot like I remember in high school. There’s always one that is above the others. When she handed in her test paper, my mind went there. I’m old enough to be her mother, all of them in fact. Still, the horror of high school and feeling that same pressure, I went down and went down fast. There were two questions, I totally knew the answers to but did not answer them correctly, for whatever reason. Panic. Others, too, but those two are rehearsed in my head causing me torment. Make them stop! 
Just Pondering... 