Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!

 

 

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mum, Mother

6CE19055-E875-4DD2-8086-5D8FE4D508C3It’s Mothers Day! To each of you, Happy Mother’s Day. 💕

While this day is called out for mothers of which I am, I find it to be one of the most depressing days of the year. Let’s move on!

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, as I have read too much through the years. It could be a number of reasons why, such as loss of your own mother and feeling the grief, loss of a child that brings memories and an emptiness in your arms, perhaps forgotten by your own children due to their busy lives or whatever reason, it sucks. It just brings a depressing feeling and on a rainy day.

Even if my children would make a big thing of this day, I am unsure how I would handle. With my oldest being married now, I have been told over and over by my boss that once a son takes a wife, I will lose a son. I felt it last year and again this year.

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Different times today, I had to fight the thoughts that I did not do my job as a mother to help them recognize such days or perhaps I was a terrible mother and don’t deserve such recognition. Remember, I said fight.

While I did not have a lot of time to make such days special, I recognized them on their birthdays, etc. Usually, I was too busy to care about the other special days, such as today, so I did a disservice to myself and they know I can get through these days. As for being a mom, I have bent over backward and still do, plus I did do a decent job as well as stay in an unhappy marriage to make sure they had the best instead of struggling financially or have no direction or supervision. So those negative thoughts were just that. I know what I have had to go through.

0307DBD6-1E15-4D3B-A82B-F3913A1AB0D9So this quiet, rainy and subdued day after church, I took a long nap. I will finish my day preparing for my work week and be happier when I open my eyes in the morning, as I made it through. Being a mother is one of the best, fulfilling positions in life, ever. Sometimes though, it has been and it is hard. Still, I would drop anything to do for them. They have been my life and reason for living.

As I write, I did get a call from my oldest and an expected text from my youngest.  I do know they love me and appreciate me.  Something I have said many times through the years, ‘Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs but the most rewarding.’  I am blessed to be called Mom.

Be Present in the Moment

99945BE3-FF9F-4679-9A88-5A64A14E6702So many of us are apt to grab our cell phones to video or snap a pic to capture our kids performing, or a selfie of all while they are with is at a dinner or a family gathering, when we see something pretty, etc. While that is all perfect and fine to keep the memories alive but to be present in the moment is worth more and touches your own heart.

The other night I was so reminded of this fact. I did the exact thing mentioned as my husband and I drove through the Christmas lights that is a popular park to go through during the holiday season in our area. It was absolutely beautiful and some areas more than the others. Impressive.

Something I had wanted to do for years but nobody else did, so we or I didn’t.

As we drove and admired the synchronized lights flash to the tune of the radio station programmed, I was in awe. The little girl within me came alive, too, with joy. What a night it was to take time to drive the distance and go through the maze of lights.

Hanging out the windows somewhat as other children 07B9A640-9930-4AC6-9167-6BE826CBE793were, and adults also, I noticed the feelings within of the little girl that I lost long ago. Being old now, part of me could have just broke down and cried a river because I have had such a hard time connecting to my inner child, but I did while doing this simple act of slowing down and taking time.  We all have an inner child.

Connecting to that inner child, we not only experience the joy and fun, but also have fun and sense it within. I felt the child raise up inside me, if just for a little bit.  This was a breakthrough for me. In the inner child, we can also find answers to past trauma that has been buried deep within and with proper care and attention, healing will come. That night though, I need joy.

As I was taking pics with my cell phone in order to keep and perhaps share on Facebook, of course, certain times my light would come on, flash, and possibly distort the pic or annoy the car in front of us, no doubt. For the life of me, I did not know how to turn that flash off.

Just thirty minutes before, while waiting to start the light show, I skimmed my posts on Facebook. You know, just in case I needed to know what another person is doing, etc. This one therapy, encouragement post though was about being in the moment and how we must … Enjoy it!  I needed that and so glad I grabbed onto those words when I did.

Of course, after many attempts of finding the right icon to flip the light flash off, without success, I missed some of the lights while seeing them kinda sorta but not really enjoying them. The post I just read at the beginning popped in my head, which said, ‘enjoy the moment, take it in.’

img_0359With that, I put my phone away and did just that while even saying aloud, ‘be in the moment.’  I did! I noticed the joy and excitement grow within me as an old lady admiring the beauty of it all and appreciating the talent that went in to make this production happen.  Most rewarding was when my inner child that could sense the excitement of Christmas and joy she once felt as a child, which made it all worthwhile.

As adults, we need to learn to stop and play along the way.  Work is important and family, too, but we lose ourselves many times.  Sadly, sometimes many of us drown out trauma and abuse with many things to avoid the deep recesses in our lives.   I am no exception, I forgot how to play and enjoy life around me and I avoided areas through the years.

Go do something fun. If just jumping in mud puddles, blowing bubbles, making snow angels, take time to drive around to see or through Christmas lights, etc., as the child within needs to do just that. Have fun!img_0328

Lesson learned that night, as I plan to not make excuses of not doing fun things and to put the cell phone away and be in the moment.

Do it! Feel it! Enjoy it!

🎄 Merry Christmas 🎄