Pain

Goodbye Old Friends

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

This week has been hard, emotionally and physically. I recently had knee surgery and relearning how to walk after reconstruction. This on top of learning of two friends dying within days is too much.

The one friend, her and I have been friends since high school (late 1970’s). Sadly, her admittance to the hospital came after taking a dosage of medicine after hearing her husband tell her that he found another woman. This state in her body led to further complications, a medical induced-coma and death. My friend is gone. I can only imagine the anger felt by her family toward this husband of hers that is taking place, as I feel the same. Too many struggles in this marriage and now this. Just sad.

The other, was a guy I had a crush on since fifth grade. Later in high school and after we we graduated, we dated off and on. I loved him and his family but life took us different directions. This one hurt. Always a dream of us later in life reconnecting. That dream has vanished. There is still a love and connection, which now holds only memories.

Perhaps the physical pain but also feeling my age through it all and many as we age passing, grief becomes real and reality sets in with each one, knowing my time is nearing.

Enjoy life. Grief comes to us all in deaths or loss of a relationship for whatever reason. Grief is grief. Acknowledge, cry, wipe the tears and cherish the memories. We all go through this. We all will get through this.

What If?

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Make them stop! What if this. What if that. Just what if….

We never know the what if even though the question consume our mind at times. We deal with it and keep moving forward to figure it all out. Most of the time, the worry of what if was useless. We still do it.

Here I am facing surgery in less than two weeks. So much to do and prepare. Will I succeed in conquering everything, I wonder. It even comes to the point, if I do, great and if I don’t, oh well.

It’s crazy how our thoughts bombard our mind and place fear. Of course, surgery is serious and it is normal to feel anxiety and even fear. Even tonight, as my mind goes here and there, the BIG question, what if I die?

That also is a normal response. What if? Well, I realized there are things I need to get done or want to do and so on. It won’t matter. The constant ‘to do’ list in my daily life will not exist. I have to be honest, there was somewhat of a relief in that brief moment. It was a good thing, as fear left. It will not matter one little bit. Of course, others will need to take care of my leftovers but that’s normal, too.

So I get done what I can before surgery and what I don’t get finished or tended to, I will pick up after I am healed enough to do so and keep on enjoying life.

It’s nice to put the ‘what-ifs’ away. Worry adds nothing but additional stress.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Unforeseen Circumstances

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Last night I had many hours to view and think. Going to the emergency room is never delightful. Knowing time is going to be ate up with many hours of waiting. Waiting. Waiting to be triaged, called and tests done with results.

This was upon me. Seven days of pain was too much. I was over it. I had a choice of two hospitals to my liking. Lord, where am I to go? The one I chose, I found I was questioning my choice at five hour mark of waiting. It was a long night.

The place was packed. It was a Monday. Was it a full moon, I wondered but did not want to waste my cell phone battery? All these thoughts and wanting to just go home and suffer another night. Could I go another day? Already signed in, not knowing how the insurance would be affected. I stayed. I made a choice. Going forward.

Finding the right place to settle down was not easy, as I walked and looked. This is an ER, so the poor, pitiful looks was a lot to take in. I did find a place but a husband wife needed to sit together, so I was on the hunt again after I paced and felt a comfort location and sat down.

We were all sitting and waiting in our pod now. The occasional glance of each other, while we all watch the ER fill up non-stop. Sitting at the first pod, we saw it all. Amazing.

In time, one lady and I started talking, then another and another. Spending seven hours waiting, not afraid to talk and share, even though we each had an issue, we laughed and got to know each other in what time we had upon us.

Then one by one, we celebrated their name called to be seen. High-five moments. One guy was sharing his family photos of his beautiful family with me. The grandma, sitting with her ex-daughter-in-law, who brought her, was sharp as a whip and funny. That right there was perhaps the reason I chose this ER. The daughter-in-law, early on told me she divorced her son but kept his mom. Later, I had to ask her before leaving, if her and him are still friends and they are. My own situation, it can be done.

I left mid-point of our group saying our goodbyes, and I felt like I left nice people. Too bad we cannot reconnect in better circumstances. Still, we helped one another endure the dreaded time. I hope they sensed the same.