Depression

Holiday Withdrawals

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The days after Christmas is such a letdown for me, after all the hype of shopping, mostly online for me; decorating, what little I did and already have taken down and put away; being with and visiting my boys, now at their own home; listening to Christmas music or watching the Christmas movies, knowing that they will abruptly end within days, if not already. Over and done! Christmas 2020 is all wrapped up, pictures taken and memories we hold dearly as we go into a new year.

I tend to go through this withdrawal mode and a sense of depression hits, as the month of January is boring to me. The weather is too cold, it gets dark way too early and nothing is happening. With this Covid19 mess, things are even more at a standstill. Yes, Valentine’s Day is to follow but that is just another day for me. At least it pushes us all into spring, better weather, longer daylight hours to enjoy outside and upcoming Easter, etc.

The country song by Merle Haggard, “If we make it through December, everything’s gonna to be all right I know,” fits except December replaced with January. One day turns into the next and soon adjustment of it all falls into place. Just like that, January will come and go, just like it does each year. Slowly I will and we all will adapt, and we will do it all over again next year for Christmas 2021. I will still struggle with the withdrawals of it all, yet again.

Do you keep your Christmas decorations and tree up until after the New Year? My parents did, but I could never do that. To have time off work, I put it all away. Maybe I do need to leave it all up through January. Nope. I don’t think I could handle it. Let’s just get the new year started and hope for the best, better than this past year.

Let’s keep moving forward, hope and pray that the 2021 New Year will bring back the hugs we have all missed, the social settings and get togethers with family and friends. I miss all of those moments and I would say that you do, too. Stay safe and healthy!

Seasonal depression: What you need to know - New York Daily News

Psalm 3:3  But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/depression-bible-verses/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/202011/how-cope-the-winter-blues-and-covid-19

A Good Heart, Dies

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

All week, I keep coming back to the comment that says, be worried when we don’t talk and I don’t share. It means I’m done!

I watch what is happening and the distance growing like wild fire. I am okay with it. I’m done! Perhaps he is done, too. Odds are, he is okay with it also. It’s over and coming to a close. The timing is right on time. One more big hurdle to overcome and the curtains close, no further acts to follow or hoops to jump through. I see it falling into place. Sadly, there is an excitement.

As I pondered this scenario and remembered back of all the years, certain comments, situations, etc., I felt sad but I realize that I needed to walk over some shards of glass to be tough enough to stand tall today. Painful years feeling alone in a relationship. Perhaps the Aspergers I just learned about and is as clear as day in him. A good man but it takes a desire to be a better man and husband. The wife is not to do it all, she wears thin and develops health issues. That is not fair, as I contemplate recently with my health, yet again. I am paying dearly and have while he walks with his head in the clouds and mine is near the burial ground. Lord, I want to live and be happy before I die, my mind rehearses over and over as tears seep out at times.

So many details or water under the bridge, as they say, but so little time or even interest to deal with the past. The one I remember this morning was when we were in our early marriage, I asked why he never said I was beautiful to him or I would have been happy with being pretty to him. The comment made and from him as a compliment, was that I had a good heart. While that is nice and true, the enemy had a hay day with me. Convinced and confirmed that I am not pretty and that I am ugly. An area I had always dealt with in life, he was the one to say it. If I would go back through my journals and many notes written of my thoughts and cries on paper, I would say that I gave up then. Not knowing how to deal with this. I am nothing but his wife and a mother to our children. Thank God, I had the children to love and recognize what real love was because I never knew before, in life. Neither one will ever have to doubt my love for them.

The quietness surrounds each of us, as there is no further communication, unless absolutely necessary. Many would be long gone, whether it be the wife or the husband, in most cases. Knowing him, he will not move unless I said to do so and made preparations to ease his journey. I stayed in order to get the help and healing within myself to move forward. Year after year of having a good heart, the heart weakens in many ways. It has taken years to get to this point and there is joy within that I had lost. A slow move but to a much better place. I have faith and I have hope. In God’s eyes, I am beautiful.

Psalm 139 says, God knitted us together in our mother’s womb (verse 13), carefully detailing our shape and outline and artistically forming our idiosyncrasies.

Psalm 139:14 says, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart

Why Should Men Worry When Their Woman Goes Silent

https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-your-relationship-is-dead.html/

https://biblereasons.com/womens-beauty/

Come Home

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Here we all are. Again with shutdowns happening, fear being increased and are to avoid our own family for Thanksgiving and you and I both know, Christmas also, already, the same. Plus, stay locked up in our four walls while it feels our world is falling apart. In the meantime, many feel they are doing the same. How many will be in total hopelessness as this continues? If not already.

The other night, I read the mandates and knowing day by day it will probably increase with rules and directions of what we should and should not do. How much more? Many cannot take much more. My heart hurts for them and those that have lost and will lose loved ones, businesses, jobs and their homes. If I am overwhelmed at times, how many more around me feel the same or those further away. We are all in this together.

I have heard the words, “While we enjoy Thanksgiving with our loved ones, in January we will be planning a funeral.” Talk about fear. Talk about reality. What do we do? What is right? What is wrong? It seems like the very beginning of this pandemic, we all became aware of this virus, confusion has been in the midst. It continues. Loud and clear, they clammer. Just stay home! Stay secluded. .

Many will disregard the rules and mandates, as we have all seen and heard. Many still detest the mask wearing. Just wear the mask and wash your hands. It’s that simple. Opinions and thoughts along with the rolling of eyes are made if a plan is made and shame for doing so is added. Many will plan to gather with family members and friends. Some will lower their number in attendance to help stop spreading the virus.

I have not seen my youngest son since July 4th. My oldest, I did see last month briefly but no hugs and the distance was too much for me as his mom. I wrote more about this in my blog, The Bubble.

In my case, I have narrowed down my Thanksgiving gathering to just my immediate family and my daughter-in-law’s parents. They need to see their daughter and I need to see my sons. Our children, no matter how old, need to see their parents. Might I add, my son could not have picked a better set of in-laws and wife. We used to have MIL’s day out and shop or walk a marathon or two, until this pandemic. We are all family. Normally, I would have up to fifteen in the house so I have cut this to help, and I hope we all do well. I dislike that the other family members are not getting together in our home, for yet another holiday. I hate this virus, period.

I so want to hug my boys but I am afraid to hug them, too. As I wrote before in a blog, if it was just my chance of getting sick and possibly dying, okay, but I want to hug my boys. I also have to consider, what if I hug them and they get sick. The mom guilt would always haunt me. What if I do get this virus and die? The ‘what if’ and questions that follow of what is right and what is wrong just toss in my head, from day to day. Fear of living. I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this tug, and a grieving.

Mentioning this to a medical technician the other day while I was having a test, we discussed families being together, and my ‘what ifs’ and her comment was, ‘You may not have another Thanksgiving.’ True! In her words, my mind was made up, and I felt more peace as we will gather together.

Of course, later I had to wonder about what she saw in my ultrasound, knowing I may not make it to the next one. Just a passing thought that I could have got serious about and worry or I could laugh, which I did. We do not know what tomorrow holds or even next year. I am going to see my boys (grown men) on Thanksgiving.

Living in fear is not the answer. I have lived with fear shadowing me majority of my life. As we all go about our daily lives, we are around people unknowingly that may be contagious and we make choices to be around others in work possibly the same, getting gas, groceries, etc. So, as a family, we choose to be together with the ones we love. It just might be our last time together.

We do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. I have to trust God and not live in fear.

My cry is to and for my children and that is to ‘Come Home’ and that they feel the peace and comfort, being reminded and knowing they are loved. Praying constantly for them yesterday, today and all of the tomorrows. If I am apprehensive with all that we are experiencing, they also are and need to be reminded of their mom’s love along with her prayers, and having parents here for them.

May your Thanksgiving be a time to enjoy and love your family and friends, whether in person or on a Zoom call. May each of you be in good health.