While taking a break from studying since mid-terms, which I feel I did not do well on, I know myself well enough that my thoughts go downhill. I beat myself up and feel as though everything, everybody and life is against me. Whoa is me! I’m sure I am not the only one that hits this wall. It’s tormenting.
With everything else, the class is just one more heap of coal on my head burying me with defeat.
Today, in between cleaning and laundry, I would check out Pinterest, an enjoyable addiction I have. Different times, this one post would come before me. That is one to walk, if just for ten minutes. Of course, the rebellious, stubborn attitude within me, says NO! I don’t want to walk, I want to stay inside my four walls and avoid life outside. Isolation. Just having an adult hissy fit, for two days, feeling like a child. 
Knowing today was a beautiful day, I finally gave in. If just ten minutes. Usually, my friend and I walk together two or more miles a day, weather permitting, but she is out of town. So, who cares if I do or if I don’t?
Off I go with my earbuds and sunglasses, as it was a beautiful day indeed. I try to listen to Christian messages or music when alone and I chose Joyce Meyer today. The first message was good but the second was for me.
I love when this happens. The message is, ‘Overcoming Worry and Anxiety.’ He is with me. Say that! Say that, or think that when all hell is breaking apart inside. He does knows where we are and most importantly, He knows where we are going. We can rest In Him. I Am because I Am and we can trust Him. Believing this, lessens the load on our mind with anxiety and worry. I know it’s true! Even when I don’t want to.
Will I fail and mess up again? Probably so but that’s what is good about God, He has enough mercy and grace to see me through again. The walk did help my outlook so I am glad I pushed myself while moaning and groaning within, throwing my hissy fit.
You know what? He knows me and He knows my hissy fits. He knows why I am experiencing what I am and He sees the tears that fall. He is with me!
In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable. At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop. They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them. When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.
One thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day. To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm. It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope. It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression. I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.
What in the world was I thinking? Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week. The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.
Just Pondering... 