In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable. At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop. They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them. When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.
How many days will the tears come? Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t. I have lost so many loved ones to death. I, too, have lost many in life. Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.
Questions emerge of asking God all the whys. Why did you allow this? All the symptoms of grief circle around me. Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.
One thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day. To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm. It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope. It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression. I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.
Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead. Either way, it sucks. Just keep walking through it. The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about. Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.