In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable. At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop. They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them. When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.
How many days will the tears come? Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t. I have lost so many loved ones to death. I, too, have lost many in life. Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.
Questions emerge of asking God all the whys. Why did you allow this? All the symptoms of grief circle around me. Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.
One thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day. To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm. It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope. It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression. I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.
Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead. Either way, it sucks. Just keep walking through it. The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about. Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.
I’m unsure what lies ahead. Truly, do any of us know? Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists. I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.
With that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is. Isn’t that contradiction? Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.
As I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take. What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way. This time in waiting is painful and lonely. At times, I feel anger rise up. All of these emotions are normal. With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’
What in the world was I thinking? Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week. The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.
Just Pondering... 