Fear

I’M A PRO

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have noticed that as I get closer to some big events in my life, as in this coming week, I tend to dread, I do anything other than what I need to do, I would do just about anything else. What is worse, I can totally shut down and waste my time with doing nothing. I feel overwhelmed.

I am a BIG PROcrastinator.

Of course, I tell myself I will start soon. Sounds good. I would rather not but I so want this task OVER. This time next week, if I pass, it will all be over. I know to study. I know I should bury my head in my book and endless amount of notes. I know, too, I would rather bury my head in the sand or under a soft blanket and watch Hallmark movies.

I really do hate this character flaw in me. It is like I am throwing an inside, emotional turmoil of a tantrum. As I walked from the kitchen with that much needed, additional cup of coffee today, I realized I was doing it again. Ugh! Still, I don’t want to do it, but I must. I am dreading this coming Friday. I have a busy week ahead, which is overwhelming enough and this weekend would be perfect time to study. I have but could have done more. I have procrastinated for this long-awaited test, thinking once I had a set date and time, I’d hustle and study until I know this information inside and out. What am I doing now? I am writing this blog, which is much more fun. Do you procrastinate?

GO FIGURE…. People often procrastinate because they’re afraid of failing at the tasks that they need to complete. … Furthermore, certain personality traits, such as low self-esteem and low self-confidence, are associated with an increased fear of failure, which makes people who have these traits more likely to procrastinate.

This test will give me a certificate, being a National Certified Phlebotomist. While I want, I don’t really, it is just an accomplishment for me. It is not that I will end my present job but it all came about, like a God-thing; feeling as though I needed this in my back pocket, just in case. One thing about it, if the bottom drops out in our economy, the medical field will always be in need of a Phlebotomist.

I just hope and pray, along in this procrastination, that my brain cells activate and can recall all the information needed to pass this dreaded test. Since starting this class, which as crazy as it was, it was an accelerated class back in 2018. What was I thinking, as I sat among all those young people and questioned what am I doing. It came at a time though, I felt it was to keep my mind occupied due to a loss in my life. I was a mess emotionally but managed to conquer this endeavor, which was not easy and working a full-time job.

The way this all started, was quite exciting but not understanding why. Lord, what are you doing in my life? This was a constant question.

Looking back, as my classes were starting, it was also when my counselor closed her office and that just about put me over the edge and my emotions were all over the place. If you have followed me for long and read my blogs, I share often about her and this incident. Finals for this class was right before Thanksgiving of which I canceled at our home, with our family. Struggling to be thankful and happy plus focus, was more than I could handle. Now feeling anger with it all. Lord, what are you doing in my life?

The process of this chain of events was an up and down battle. Here I am, my last and final step and I am dragging my feet, but kicking and screaming on the way. Still, I ask, Lord, what are you doing in my life?

I know there must be a purpose. One day I will look back and see the path I have been on and read my writing here. Hopefully, smile and perhaps say, Lord, I do see what you have been doing in my life.

This week though, I will be saying, Lord I need your help for whatever you are doing in my life. I have to trust the process and the timing, as I have done in so many areas and years in my life.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded.

Be Still… and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

I will not leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

I have a plan and a purpose for your life. Jeremiah 29:11

Photo from barbraveling.com

45 Bible Verses for Procrastination

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/procrastination

https://escapethewilderness.com/god-what-are-you-doing-with-my-life/

I now must study. First, I need to ….. just kidding.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

I will not procrastinate.

Of which I am doing. 😜

Fear!!! I posted this blog. I removed this blog. If you are reading, I re-posted this blog. That has been my week of the ups and downs and ins and outs with this test, many medical tests and my emotions. Good News…. I passed my phlebotomy test. The others, I will find out soon enough, probably another pill and another test.

Come Home

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Here we all are. Again with shutdowns happening, fear being increased and are to avoid our own family for Thanksgiving and you and I both know, Christmas also, already, the same. Plus, stay locked up in our four walls while it feels our world is falling apart. In the meantime, many feel they are doing the same. How many will be in total hopelessness as this continues? If not already.

The other night, I read the mandates and knowing day by day it will probably increase with rules and directions of what we should and should not do. How much more? Many cannot take much more. My heart hurts for them and those that have lost and will lose loved ones, businesses, jobs and their homes. If I am overwhelmed at times, how many more around me feel the same or those further away. We are all in this together.

I have heard the words, “While we enjoy Thanksgiving with our loved ones, in January we will be planning a funeral.” Talk about fear. Talk about reality. What do we do? What is right? What is wrong? It seems like the very beginning of this pandemic, we all became aware of this virus, confusion has been in the midst. It continues. Loud and clear, they clammer. Just stay home! Stay secluded. .

Many will disregard the rules and mandates, as we have all seen and heard. Many still detest the mask wearing. Just wear the mask and wash your hands. It’s that simple. Opinions and thoughts along with the rolling of eyes are made if a plan is made and shame for doing so is added. Many will plan to gather with family members and friends. Some will lower their number in attendance to help stop spreading the virus.

I have not seen my youngest son since July 4th. My oldest, I did see last month briefly but no hugs and the distance was too much for me as his mom. I wrote more about this in my blog, The Bubble.

In my case, I have narrowed down my Thanksgiving gathering to just my immediate family and my daughter-in-law’s parents. They need to see their daughter and I need to see my sons. Our children, no matter how old, need to see their parents. Might I add, my son could not have picked a better set of in-laws and wife. We used to have MIL’s day out and shop or walk a marathon or two, until this pandemic. We are all family. Normally, I would have up to fifteen in the house so I have cut this to help, and I hope we all do well. I dislike that the other family members are not getting together in our home, for yet another holiday. I hate this virus, period.

I so want to hug my boys but I am afraid to hug them, too. As I wrote before in a blog, if it was just my chance of getting sick and possibly dying, okay, but I want to hug my boys. I also have to consider, what if I hug them and they get sick. The mom guilt would always haunt me. What if I do get this virus and die? The ‘what if’ and questions that follow of what is right and what is wrong just toss in my head, from day to day. Fear of living. I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this tug, and a grieving.

Mentioning this to a medical technician the other day while I was having a test, we discussed families being together, and my ‘what ifs’ and her comment was, ‘You may not have another Thanksgiving.’ True! In her words, my mind was made up, and I felt more peace as we will gather together.

Of course, later I had to wonder about what she saw in my ultrasound, knowing I may not make it to the next one. Just a passing thought that I could have got serious about and worry or I could laugh, which I did. We do not know what tomorrow holds or even next year. I am going to see my boys (grown men) on Thanksgiving.

Living in fear is not the answer. I have lived with fear shadowing me majority of my life. As we all go about our daily lives, we are around people unknowingly that may be contagious and we make choices to be around others in work possibly the same, getting gas, groceries, etc. So, as a family, we choose to be together with the ones we love. It just might be our last time together.

We do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. I have to trust God and not live in fear.

My cry is to and for my children and that is to ‘Come Home’ and that they feel the peace and comfort, being reminded and knowing they are loved. Praying constantly for them yesterday, today and all of the tomorrows. If I am apprehensive with all that we are experiencing, they also are and need to be reminded of their mom’s love along with her prayers, and having parents here for them.

May your Thanksgiving be a time to enjoy and love your family and friends, whether in person or on a Zoom call. May each of you be in good health.

Depressed Dreamers

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

What a week it has been. Well, this month, too. Let’s not forget this whole year. Whew!

This year has been an introvert’s dream and noticed life is good, with less chaos around them. The extrovert is more nervous than previously, not knowing what to do with the down time. I am in the mix but more introvert. I feel there is always something to do, improve, clean, etc., but I also enjoy the downtime, naps and writing. This year, we have all had to adapt.

This week and past month especially, I have heard many mention, of course, the Presidential election. It is in process and soon we will all know the final decision. This blog is not to express my choice of candidate or yours, just the observation I have had and found interesting. Odds are, you have also.

My mom used to say when in such events, and that is somebody will win and somebody will lose. Usually from her, it was in regard to my athletic ability, of which I had none or no interest. Looking at it though in this way, it takes away the pain of being a loser. Here we are with the big boys. One will win and one will lose.

No matter what side in this election, one side will be happy and one side will be sad, angry and depressed; perhaps feel fear over the future. No matter, one will win and one will lose.

In this year of 2020, a time that will go down in history with the Covid19 and the Presidential election, many predictions have been made. I am sure we all have had a thought of predicting ourselves of the outcome, whether spoken or not or that desire of such to come into fruition. Time will tell.

Here is where I find all of this to be of interest. In the months getting closer to November 3rd, I know many that are glued and watch television and listen to those that have had a dream of the outcome or shared their predictions. These are those that have deep faith and hear from God. While I understand faith and have faith, I do believe that God can and does speak to us or felt in our spirit, which I have experienced myself in my own life. I do believe that dreams can be spiritual dreams, too. I do know also that everyone that has a dream can be just that, a dream.

My friend was so convinced that this one man was the real deal and then another and that continued through many Christians that heard from the Lord. I found her to be in confusion and the anxiety building. My advice was to turn off the media. It was her husband that added fire to the chaos between them and tossing which one to believe or all of them.

Now this week, both of them are definitely confused and doubting the prophets. It is not doubting God, it is those wanting to be God. In this, I have heard prophesies and have seen healing before my very eyes. God is not an author of confusion. Those that had dreams and professed how this election would go, but didn’t. I wonder if they are also doubting themselves and also God. It is easy to feel confused and disappointed in man, yourself and God.

“My heart is not full of faith. So many prophets have said Trump would win. Did they all miss hearing God?” In this, with her mentioning the many names of those that they listened to and their faith was placed. Her text continues on with many questions and doubts. “I still can’t wrap my mind around what is happening. How did so many highly, reputable prophets miss God?” This is one friend that will dip into a state of depression and feel the doom and gloom and it is the end of the world. How many others will?

This is not only one but many to experience this possible outcome. I may not like it and you may not like it but one thing about it, this is no surprise to God. Many will be shaken. Many will question their own faith, as my friend, and doubt all those that had a dream and predictions, with faith being lifted. Many voices were heard and believed. Could this be where Satan wants Christians, pulling away from their faith? Could this be where we fight the good fight of faith, to remain true to God and His Word even in the face of opposition, oppression and adversity. We each have a choice.

In the end and whatever the final count in this situation with what the election will be, one will win and one will lose.

Our position at that point is to pray for our President. Most importantly, to keep our trust in God.