I’m Tough!

5C37B256-78F6-4DEF-973E-D24C16AEC912With the past Labor Day holiday, it throws off my counseling appointment, which is on Monday.  Oh how I do not need to miss an appointment as things in life feel so overwhelming.4A65A96C-DAF2-4A5B-BFF2-6989006CF4F8

While I enter my counselors office, sit on her bright-colored loveseat with the door shut, of course, I can feel safe.  While not always easy, I know I have come a long way with her help.  I trust her although at times I must deal with the mental lies that are thrown at me that she, too, will hurt me.  I have voiced that to her as in many things that only her and God know.  That’s trust.  With that, Satan knows how to get my goat due to that fact.  Amazingly, I find that she is aware, it seems of my body posture, facial movements and my breathing, where I do not.  Sometimes I am just amazed.  Most of all thankful to have her in my life.

Making my appointment on her normal day off, her suggestion, I felt bad doing so.  Unbeknownst to her or to me, she became ill prior to my appointment, she had to cancel, so no session.

Even before, contemplating of cancellating myself, I thought to myself that I can make it to the next Monday.  Well, now I will.  Thinking to myself, I’m tough.

In all actuality, I am.  I have been through the years.  What’s a few more days?   I have been through hell, which some have experienced much worse than myself but my journey holds its own.  Some would run or cower with what I’ve dealt with but it was what I have been given to deal with.  I’m still here, although worn and battle scars within.

Even so, while not to the expertise that my counselor has taught me, it was by my faith in God and what knowledge I had to grasp, also gut feelings.  By the Grace of God, He has lead me, directed me and kept me.

When I get down and out and that old depression sneaks in to rip my confidence apart and my faith, I have to remember I am tough.  Tomorrow is another day.

No matter what we go through, the important thing to remember is that you go through.  We are not promised a life free of problems but are told that He will not leave us or forsake us, we can call upon Him.

Search the scriptures and pour yourself into His Word and let Him pour His Love into you.  I’m writing this to remind myself.

I’m tough but odds are, you are tough, too!  We just don’t feel it sometimes.

Trust Him!


Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.


Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

I’m Fine, Right?

62E5C4A9-D1C7-4AAD-A78B-C704D55FCB4C.jpegSo often we reply with the words, “I’m Fine” when in all honesty, we are far from that fact.  Still, it rolls off the tongue and for the most part and people around us don’t think anything about it and/or if it is true.  Just accepted.

As much as I try not to use this phrase, I found myself using it last week and regretting the words once I let them slip.  I knew the words were not true but came easy.  Thankfully, I have a counselor that picked up on that right away.  Knowing me too well, she called me out on it.

Realizing what I said and this discussion that came afterward, I remembered back many years ago to a time I said it moreso and was told that this phrase, ‘I’m Fine’ EB6DA888-705F-4D9D-B416-87BCBBBC6B4Dmeans another thing for others.  Which is ‘F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional’ and from that day, I limited and was cautious of using.  But I did it anyway.

Looking back, I think I was each one of those words that week and by the time meeting with my counselor, open and honest, as my true self came through.  It was a bad week and actually a peek of several weeks of being overwhelmed.  So, it appropriately fit when I said it.

Life can be too much at times.  Perhaps when you hear others say those words, pay attention, take time to listen and show you care.

I know in times past and still, I would love for somebody to just grab me and hug me.  Let me cry.  Tell me I am okay.  Sometimes we just need that.



Look Beyond the Glass

BFBD7697-F9C9-4C2A-81F2-089A9358A0F1Oftentimes we are held back by what we cannot see in front of us.  Fear is one major drawback that comes into play.  Many other areas pull in the same force, as hopelessness, tiredness, etc., just no get up and go.  We all run into this at some point in life, if not often.  Pushing through what is necessary and helpful whether it be within yourself or a friend.  Come on, let’s go!

Today, I was reminded of this incident by my friend that I walk with and we still laugh over it.

The morning hours when we start walking, it is still dark, somewhat scary, but we push through to daylight, usually a forty-five minute walk before work.   Through the night, it rained and humidity levels were higher.  As with most nowadays, the air conditioner runs within the homes so condensation builds up and fogs the windows.

As we make quick contact with one another as to being ready or not, I get a text saying it is too foggy out, still remembering it is dark.   I, myself, like fog so I did not see an issue.  I look out my bedroom window and it seems fine.  In that time, my friend texts back and reports that it was her window that was fogged up.

Upon being picked up that morning by her through the darkness and ‘apparent fog’ we immediately start laughing.  We still joke about fog. 19DE7B78-404C-49CB-A180-3C85B7DD5895

So as I remembered the fog incident today, seeing it at a distance in our walk, I could not help but to think we sometimes feel we walk in a fog, our brain is in a fog state, not knowing what to do in a situation, feeling stuck, etc.  We all go through this at some point in our lives, overwhelmed with what is before us.

It is when we look to the Lord and pray for His wisdom and direction that our peace will come.   We have to trust Him and be patient.  We have to look beyond the glass that is fogged up realizing He has a purpose and a plan for you, me, all of us.

Trust Him!

Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”


Today I realized I still deal with rejection in my older years.   From childhood, this remains while I understand it happened through my counseling sessions. Never to this degree that I knew it had ahold on me, still.

While the rejection was not really directed at me, I assumed the feeling and just about lost it.

Working on a tax issue at work, I was given the information and amounts involved.  I went to the Clerk’s office to make payment of such.  Usually, this trip is speedily but today, the clerk made it her main job to check off and inform me that the numbers were not right, the amounts were wrong, the total payment was incorrect.  All I could hear was Reject Reject Reject.BA542300-47FD-4FE7-8832-601F86B42750

Thinking to myself and getting irritated, I did not just pick this information  out of thin air but given it like all other tax bills payable from my office.

The slow motion and precise job that she was portraying was grating on my last nerve.  I could feel my emotions changing, the fear of rejection rise within me, embarrassment if I made the costly mistake and failure within was booming in my head. The root of rejection was taking hold, in full force.

When she finally would not accept the payment because it was wrong, handing me the check and paperwork, I said I just want to get out of here.  A task that normally would take a few minutes turned into a half hour.

What she did not know and I realized once I left and calmed down to think through, my amount is correct.  Tomorrow, I will once again go and deliver the tax check.

With all that, we do not know what another is going through or experiencing in life. Have grace.  Not just with another but also yourself.

We all need Grace.


Holding It Together?

As  I scanned my Facebook pages today, the counseling/therapy/positive group pages, I am amazed of how many, just today, are on fear and anxiety.  E4744521-880F-438D-9E28-1238D89B698D

While I know this is an everyday occurrence for many, myself included, today they just seem to stand out more.  Perhaps this is a sign, I need to focus more on and get a deeper understanding of what I am going through myself.  No qualms there.

Sadly, these days there are many that are experiencing these emotions and feeling hopelessness.  It’s not just the average Joe out there or those down on their luck, but Pastors, Attorneys, etc.  Nobody is exempt from the thoughts, emotions and even suicide.

Many will say ‘I’m Fine’ but that is not always true. Pay attention if you say it or hear that. We are ones to use that phrase so casually, to ignore what is really happening within or to not bother others. Oftentimes, others won’t bother to ask if that is fact and ask, are you really?  People just need to know somebody cares.
I don’t know where you are in this phase of life or others you may know, but know this, there is help.

Of course, I am going to say God and truly He is there 24/7 and loves you like no other but even with Him, many feel so worthless to call upon Him.  How do I know?  I’ve been there.

Hopefully, just talking to someone whether it be a friend or family member will help but I know that can sometimes be futile, as nobody is available to listen and leaves you feeling more alone.  Again, how do I know?  I’ve been there.  Why try.

If you are able, find a good Counselor that will listen and guide you.  There is nothing wrong if you see one.  Don’t let others place condemnation upon you for taking care of you.  Sadly, church and/or its members are typical of placing this stigma, as in having a lack of faith.  How do I know?  Been through it.

Seeing a Counselor, it will be helpful although not always easy as you deal and dig into areas that you never dreamed was an issue but makes sense of why you may be feeling these emotions.  You know what I am going to say next.  How do I know?  I am presently seeing a Counselor and have been.  I’m taking care of me.

So dear friend, know that what you are experiencing is only temporary.  We will all go through things in life and will feel overwhelmed in areas that can take you by surprise at times. Just don’t stay there.

Practice self-care, get some rest, breathing exercises, go out and walk.  Easier said than done, I know, but it does help.

Life can get overwhelming.  You are stronger than you think. Trust Him!

You’ve got this!