“I care for you and I love you.”
Will you even be able to grasp that? The comment made to me from my counselor of four years in our apparent exit telephone conversation. We had a nice relationship as counselor and client. How could we not? The trust in her and care and a love felt was present from one another, along with the boundaries required in this equation.
There had been times I wish we had a friendship rather than being counselor/client but knowing I needed her in that role, I was able to adapt and respect it.
Our last conversation and toward the end, those words were said to me. While I knew I loved her as my counselor, a sister-like friend, I never expected to hear that from her. It definitely took me by surprise, and I froze. Did I hear that correctly as I gasped and rehearsed in my mind? Minutes later, to hear her say lightly, “will you even grasp what I just said?” Still in shock, I did not know. I heard her say that, questioning me because she knows me so well. I did not respond because of my shock and questioning myself if I heard her correctly or did I just hope and imagine that comment. While I know she did, the surprise was shocking. I do know, and I have repeated those words almost daily if not more, I still do.
You see, I never heard those words, ‘I love you’ growing up and still in a dead marriage of almost thirty years, nothing. Always, just to expect they loved me, leaving a big void in my life. So for me to gasp and wonder if I heard her correctly, it is understandable. Sometimes my heart aches from a lack of love. That, too, would be normal to feel, a definite loss.
Deep within, I do grasp those words as I repeat them as I mentioned; but also at times I question the validity just because it is not a usual comment made to me. Love, I always have to wonder or in my case, ponder.
So many throw around the words of ‘love you’ and ‘love ya’ and while they are true, I desire sincerity. Love means more to me than a word spoken freely. With her words, I felt them and I wanted to hold onto them. I need to, in order to get through the loss.
So as I grasp the words from her or others that are sincere, I do hold onto them and it seems like I put them in a treasure chest within my heart to keep.
To hear them, to feel them is to grasp and hold onto them forever.
Be sincere with your love spoken.
I have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings. I need her! All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life. Help me!
What in the world was I thinking? Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week. The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.
Just Pondering... 