Healing

Square Bushes

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For whatever reason, my mind jumped to the day my husband trimmed our bushes in our landscape after I had surgery.  This task was mine through the many years of home ownership and landscape care. 14c5f51f-9efe-4952-8db7-5b3d2f7ea116

Everybody has their own way of doing things and their opinions, which is fine but the OCD in me and the Aspergers in him collide.  This has happened so many times in our marriage to the point of craziness within me and no doubt within him, perhaps.

Since, learning of Aspergers just four years ago from my counselor and doing my own research, I have become more tolerant of him.  It is fair to say, I feel less crazy, too, by knowing why he does things, which is normal with Aspergers.

So often, I wish I had known going into our marriage what I was dealing with.  I think the outcome would possibly be different, but not certain.

Just the other night, he made a comment of something he does that is odd and as he recognized it and said, that’s just me.  I confirmed that in him, that’s just you and there is nothing wrong with that.  Oh my gosh, who am I?, I thought.  Before I would have rolled my eyes and let him criticize himself with the negative talk.  We went on our merry way while shopping.

While we all have our own idiosyncrasies, patience is always needed for one another.  The day of the square bushes, I remember so well, the shock within me seeing them.  Now, I can laugh.

cb5dc8ad-5d67-4122-b8f5-bad49a99f162Taking time to thank him for helping but to help him understand that trees, bushes and all do not grow square, look around.  Plus, it makes a yard look old, yuck.  With some direction, it was time to do some adjustments on the bushes to make them look more natural and, of course, time to grow out.  We still laugh over this at times.

986f0f64-3d8a-47be-8f9e-baed519c1c3fWe all have rough edges and we all grow and learn in different stages.  In myself, I am not where I want to be but I am not where I was.  We have to be kind to ourselves and understand it’s a process.

With others, we need patience because we do not know what they are dealing with.

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Perhaps this is just a reminder to me today, of what I might be faced with as my day begins, I don’t know.  In life, there are square bushes.

Enjoy your day! 😊

Seasons of Life

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For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change.  I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.
Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me.  I felt dead.  It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.
While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other.  So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up.  Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to.  Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life.  I had no energy to make it happen.
As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too.  As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one.  My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone.   It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.
Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.
While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that.  At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited.  Thank God I am not where I was!
My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again.  Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful.  I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.
No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us.  In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes.  Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

Dangling

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08473529-FA33-4C38-9A88-D15F42B4751CToday, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her.  At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions.  To graduate was always a joke between us.

D72D1370-20C6-4671-8399-530AF0C76E2DIt was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about.  It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave.  For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her.  But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times.  Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals.  I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path.  I just have to trust Him.

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