Hope – Page 9 – Just Pondering…

Good Isolation

December 24, 2018December 24, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Lord, what is happening?

For years upon years, I had been so hurt, accused, lied about and lied to, betrayed, and it came to a point that I totally shut down, became a hermit, isolated myself besides going to work.

I had always been a strong, independent individual because I had to be but it came to a point, I doubted my very being. Who am I? Maybe I am bad and everything said about me was true, but I tried and did what I felt what was right in God’s eyes. Realizing Satan was successful in his plan to isolate me, and I was too weak to fight.

I quit a lot of social events, made excuse after excuse of not attending church, changed jobs because of stress of the one and with that it was as if I was walking blindly into the new job, questioning that, too. With that move, it was a God thing!

So many things started to line up and I felt I was getting stronger but needed a push, which was when I started with my counselor. I did not make that decision in haste but with prayer, research of many and of her and more prayer.

DF52497E-40A8-4AD2-8244-DBDFA6DC6148 As we discussed and as time went on, my isolation became less and it was nice to feel life once again. The door of the dark despair of isolation was opened.

Here I am again though but a different type of isolation.

Now, it seems like everyone is leaving me. Two of my best friends moved out of state. Now who am I going to meet for lunch or shop with? My counselor took a leave of absence and may or may not return so I really feel lost, my office moves in an office area of being off the beaten path in a large building and seeing nobody for hours on end and not to forget, there are no windows. Where is everyone?

Leaving work one night, yes at night because I am so alone in there and no windows, I lose track of time. I realized I am yet again isolated. It kind of stopped me in my tracks, questioning the Lord what is up with this.

I get a grip and my wings start to flutter from being in a cocoon for so long and yet I feel as though I am back in it, kicking and pushing through the emotions and fear but yet there is peace.

Sometimes I feel we are alone to put our focus totally on the Lord, and I understand that and I am doing just that although I fail. What is the purpose of this aloneness and walking alone? There a lost, blind feeling in my steps right now.

FBFA9104-AE45-4C8C-9E75-2E2D27F3F122 Perhaps He is carrying me yet again. I have to hope for just that as I did years ago.

I will not give up and if you are in this journey, too, don’t give up. He knows who you are (I am) and He knows where you are (I am) going. There is hope. Trust Him.

Sometimes it is easier said than done.

Seasons of being alone and isolated can actually bring about a lot of spiritual growth. I welcome that.

My Little Girl Within

December 11, 2018December 9, 2018ponderingmissylou2 Comments

E8F21D4F-FF17-42A0-8746-882C77B74462 Years ago, I started counseling mainly due to marriage issues and just at a loss, feeling crazy, feeling alone and no hope in life. Stuck.

It was after we got through that part and I understood what is what, finding answers, setting boundaries and hope restored within me, did the counseling turn toward me individually. No more marriage discussions, although we touched base off and on in areas of concern.

Now, fearfully and not at all what I was expecting in counseling, it was all about me. Realizing, with each counseling session, I had a choice to dig my heels in and grasp what is or high tail it out of there.

Depending upon the session, I have felt both ways and at times frustrated, angry, emotionally distraught and you name it but oftentimes, too, I was grateful for a counselor that was just as determined to see me healed from childhood issues and life experiences.

Still I am amazed how well this counselor picked up on things and understood me. Nobody ever did that with me and to explain why I do or did things, validate the confusion I felt all of these years.

If you have been reading my blogs, you realize how thankful I am for her in my life and God sent, just for me.

Adult problems are childhood issues, a phrase I have heard and understood, but not in depth as she helped me understand within my own life.

For most, I could comprehend and wiggle through to understand. When the inner child and it is necessary to connect and re-parent the wounded child within, I could not grasp although I understood what she was trying to tell me.

Part of me felt it was crazy thinking how to do this and get to the point of making this work. Honestly, I still have issues with this.

C51A7CD3-2255-404F-BC14-C9167C89F867 Thankfully, I know to give myself grace and in time I will have my inner child trusting me and knowing that I love her unconditionally.

I don’t know what all happened to me as a child and if I am in total denial or blocking pieces out, but I do know that the Lord is healing me. I have to trust Him in this journey and be patient and willing to be healed.

The other night, while driving through the Christmas lights, feeling the excitement and being in the moment, was probably a true connection I had with my inner child. While that may not be of exciting news to you, I am still on cloud nine as they say because I felt like a child enjoying the lights. I loved the sights, smells and the joy of Christmas as a child and all those memories flooded my soul last night. Little me was present. That was a gift to myself. I’m slowly grasping this inner child stuff, which I need to do for healing in my life.

Perhaps you, too, need to connect to your inner child. Maybe you have heard of this and thought it was crazy thinking. Are you too wrapped in work and doing for others, even church work? Stop, reflect and love the inner child within you.

As I mentioned early on with my counselor and the inner child stuff, I was lost and unknowing of such a thing. There are a lot of books, Facebook group pages, research articles on Google, etc., available to read and gain knowledge and hopefully healing. I hope that my story helps someone.

E8341B37-CCFA-485A-ADCB-2D30CC878CF6 Growing up, I yearned for love and attention and sadly, I do as an adult. With counseling, understanding why this caused such in my life, I am doing better. I’m understanding that the little me needs me to love her and care and have fun, too.

I was worth the love and attention as a child that I did not receive.

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WTH Am I Doing?

November 2, 2018November 3, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159 What in the world was I thinking? Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week. The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness. Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am. What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan. Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me. Where am I? Where am I going?

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me. Where is my counselor? Why did she have to leave? Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down. My support has been taken from me. With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all. A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer. Now, nothing! Gone. I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often. Who am I? What is this purpose? When will this pain be over? Where will tomorrow take me? Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come. Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand. We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period. Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

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